the Fashion Suicidal.

Blue roses

2012-01-15T21:24:00.002+08:00

now playing: Sara Bareilles' Uncharted from Sara Bareilles' album Kaleidoscope Heart

I really didn't want to make a blog post on this, since I think it doesn't really mean anything big, but it's been creeping in my brain for a few days now :)) I'm so pathetic.

I was talking to by friends-slash-orgmates Isay, Alleana, and Maia one day in our org's nook. I showed them my notebook (which Denise gave) which contained some random thoughts and sketches. It also had some mini quotes-slash-conversations of my fanfics, like how I want the next chapter to go for my two ongoing fanfics.

Maia suddenly said that if anyone would court me, it'll be really hard for the guy. Because when you read my fanfics, and get to all the giddy stuff, actually you'd think it'd be really hard to court me :)) Not that anyone has ever tried to court me or anything, but oh well.

I guess, if someone HYPOTHETICALLY liked me, wanted to court me, and read my fanfics first before actually trying to court me, then he'd most likely get intimidated :)) I mean, the scenes in those fanfics are just. I can't even. :"> And yes, realize how I emphasized the word 'hypothetically'.

But, truth be told, I'm a really really REALLY shallow person. I mean, It's really easy to make me happy. And I get giddy over the silliest of things. If you see me write the giddy chapters (especially for 'Emergency Boyfriend') I have to literally stop writing for five minutes every time I write something romantic. See? Just by writing it, I get giddy. I swear, I'm a really really easy person to woo :)) Well, yah :)) I mean, I get happy over the shallowest and silliest of things, so I don't think it'll be that hard.

But if there is one thing I would probably want that takes a LOT of effort, it would be this (I'm quoting it from a previous blog post):

when someone "proposes" to me, I want it to be in a really nice place, doesn't matter where. but I want it to be filled with tons of blue roses. and sunflowers. actually just blue roses since I know they are impossible to find. but for that guy to take me to a place with tons of blue roses, it would mean he actually took the time to paint white roses blue, or at least ask a lot of people to paint tons of white roses blue. and he actually took the time to find some way to bring those tons of blue roses to a very beautiful place which he took time to find. and he would be the sweetest person in the world if he did that.

but yah, no one would ACTUALLY go out of his way to find a beautiful place, buy tons of roses, ask people to paint them blue (or just paint them blue himself), put the painted roses in the beautiful place, take me there and "propose". okay as if that would actually happen.

According to this, blue roses mean mystery, the impossible, an extraordinary feeling, enchantment, secrecy. I first saw blue roses in an anime (no, I have never seen one in real life) called Paradise kiss which is undeniably my favorite anime ever. I think, George said that blue roses meant paradise and love, or something like that.

So yah, looking at the 'real' definition, it doesn't make me wonder why I love blue roses that much.

Well, see? That's like, a really one-time-big-time thing, and I think I'd die of happiness and palpitation if someone did that for me. But in all honestly, I'm not expecting anything big :) And it's not like anyone will like me anytime soon :))

I actually think only two things would happen to me in this area of my life:

1. The person who will feel something towards me and actually do something about it will be the person I'd spend the rest of my life with, meaning he'd be the first and last; or
2. I will stay alone forever, designing wedding dresses for gorgeous women :))

Oh well. It's not like I'm looking for anyone right now. My life isn't even that good right now. I still have a lot of things to do on my own :) And like how Yana said it before, I think I'm still too selfish right now to find someone to share my life with. AS IF ANYONE WOULD ACTUALLY LIKE ME HAHA!

So yah. For now, I would just be getting giddy by writing and reading stories about a love that only seems so romantic when in written words. I should go out more :))

now playing: Sara Bareilles' Bluebird from Sara Bareilles' album Kaleidoscope Heart

Hmm... When I have new stories to tell? :))

Mandatory year-that-was post

2012-01-05T18:42:00.002+08:00

now playing: Epik High's Heaven ft. MYK from Epik High's sixth album [e]

Hm... I'm really really considering that year-that-was post, but somehow, I guess, I'm just not up for the detailed shiz right now, so I'll just give a run-down of it, I guess.

i. SCHOOL -- School has been a very complicated situation for me last year. I got my first 4.0, I screwed up a lot of my subjects, had my lowest GWA so far (hopefully I won't get a GWA lower than that), and I just basically had a wake-up call. Thank you so so much Bio 1. And yes, all this happened during the second semester of my first year. Let's go to the first semester of this school year later.

ii. TRICIA -- Basically, this still hits some part of me. It's already been nine months plus plus, but still, it's still there. Sure, we can all live our lives normally, but it's still there, and it'll never disappear. I've never cried because of a situation like what happened that day: not when some of my relatives died, but somehow, that week, the tears found themselves flowing without warning. If anything, she's one of the few people I'll remember in my lifetime. Sure, I may not remember every single memory I had with her, but up until now, I still wish all those people whose names are Patricia or Patricia Anne or anything close to that will change their names. I'm so glad I was addicted to taking pictures back in 2010, and she's one of my favorite subjects.

iii. DEBUT -- The debut I honestly wish I had done differently. I know I'm not supposed to regret, but looking back, I realized that I wanted to do so much for for that debut. Had I planned it earlier, it may not have been that brand of disaster. I should've invited less people, the program should've lost the '18 Shots', and I shouldn't have let other people (aside from my family) influence my decisions. Yes, I said less people, because I only found out after my debut just who I really treasure right now, who I've treasured all along, and it was less than half of the people who attended my debut. If anyone from my high school batchmates ever read this... Well, I never did hide these kinds of emotions, did I? I didn't disconnect myself from you guys without reason :)

iv. KOREA -- I have to admit, I sucked bad that interview. I mean, looking back, I probably looked like a really desperate person, and I only realized it now (well, around two months ago). But now that my head is a bit clearer and my emotions are a bit more stable, I realized that if I really want to go to Korea, that'll happen. I shouldn't be hurrying myself to go there. That'll happen one day, so I don't have to be that desperate.

v. LIBECOM -- So yeah, I became the Library Committee Chairperson for this semester because the previous one resigned, and since I was the deputy last semester. I'm not gonna lie by saying I had no intentions of being head of the committee, because I had. To be truthful, Libecom was the only reason why I was hesitant on shifting last semester. Because honestly, in PsychSoc, Libecom is the most neglected committee; no one cares for it, to be honest. So who else would run if I shift? Jsyk, only Psych majors can be the head of the committee in our org. So I'm really thankful that, even for just one semester, I had the chance to be head and try to put things in a better direction for the committee so that whoever runs for the position next year (or, if no one runs, whoever gets appointed), s/he'll have less things to worry about with regards to the committee. Do I still want to be in Libecom next year? I don't know, to be honest. But Libecom has become this important part of me while I'm in PsychSoc, so let's see.

vi. SHIFT -- So I finally decided that I will shift to BS Clothing Technology next year. They don't have the forms yet (last time I looked, they said they'd release it by March), so right now I'm doing my best to go a good job with my GWA so that it'll be a more-than-okay one when I submit my forms. And to make up for that freaking 2.1 something-something GWA I had two semesters ago. And maybe this is one of the reasons why my head has cleared up a bit: I'm finally doing something I really want to do. Right now, I don't feel like I'm being forced to do anything. I love being in Psych, but somehow, even with just the three majors I have had, I feel like somehow, I felt forced to so some of the requirements -ahem 140 ahem- so I'm glad that right now, I'm just lighthearted about things. Even though Chem 16 is hard (since I am in no way a science person), I still feel more okay with doing it. And it's required for CT as well, so yah.

vii. LIFE -- If I learned something last year that I'm truly thankful for, it's that I shouldn't hurry. I shouldn't hurry to go to Korea, I shouldn't hurry to graduate. Because the more I hurry, the less I see. I don't want to just see things pass by without feeling them. I want to be able to feel many things, observe them. I don't want to hurry up everyday anymore. I realized that that was the reason why I was over stressed with life in general. When I finally realized it, life just became a little bit easier and happier.

viii. FANFIC -- And, last but not least (actually I put this last because it's definitely far from least), last year was the year I started writing fanfics. It started with Our Twitter Secrets [우리만의 트위터 비밀] which is now done (don't tell my subscribers there, but I'm trying to come up with a story for the sequel even though I'm no fan of sequels myself. If I get to come up with a cool storyline for the sequel, then I'll do it -grin-); then came Emergency Boyfriend [긴급 남자친구]which is currently one chapter away from being officially complete (since I already wrote the last chapter), which also has the most number of chapters I got giddy and kilig while writing; Permanently Sober [영구히 제정신의] which is honestly, the fic I have the most trouble writing since I'm still not sure how I want the events to unfold; and, a recent addition to the family of fanfics I've created, Valentine Baker [발렌타인 배이커] which has the corniest Korean translation (it's not even a translation! It's Konglish: bal-len-ta-in bae-i-keo) and also has the cutest start ever since I started it from a childhood time of the main characters. 2011 was the year I got my creativity back thanks to the fact that I started writing 'Our Twitter Secrets'. Because of getting to write again, I got back to designing clothes again. I guess this is what I'm most thankful for last year. I realized that I want to create: whether it be stories, clothes, songs/poems, I enjoy the most when I create. And I guess that ties everything together: why Psych isn't for me, and why I'm better off in CT. I like myself the most when I'm creating.

So, I think that pretty sums up 2011 for me. I'd rather not talk about BoAPH because all of them are being strangely unreasonable and irritating LOL.

So, just to say it, the two most important things I've learned this year are:

I shouldn't hurry my life up.
The thing I want to do the most is to create.

It's not much, but I'm glad I finally realized this.

Happy new year guys! I hope everyone realized something important last year. And I hope all our hopes for this year will happen. :)

now playing: Epik High's 흉 ft. MYK, YDG, Dok2 from Epik High's sixth album [e]

새해

2011-12-31T20:59:00.001+08:00

song playing: Troublemaker's Troulemaker In case nobody knows, that's BEAST's Hyunseung with 4minute's Hyuna.

I'm liking the song and mini album, sans the fact that Hyuna always looks and sounds like she's having sex or seducing people all the time. OH WELL.

새해 복 많이 받으세요~~~~
Yay! I'm getting faster in typing Korean woot! :D

Hmmm, actually, I already wrote a happy new year thing on my 2012 planner (it looks very very childish but then again, I'm not good with lettering so oh well).

I also wrote my resolutions-slash-goals for the FIRST HALF of 2012. I didn't write the goals for the whole year because it would just look really stressing and almost too impossible to do. So, I set up the goals for the first half (IN CHECKLIST FORMAT -grin-) and hopefully check them all off by the end of June. Then I write the goals for the second half by the end of June :) Basically they all comprise of the old goals I need to tick off and new goals -ahemTHEFANFICSahem- and they're not really a lot... I think. All of them just require a lot of patience, time, conviction, and... some other big words that all mean sticking to the plan :))

I have a really really REALLY good feeling for 2012... I'm usually not this enthusiastic when this time of the year comes, but I'm pretty psyched about next year. Maybe it's because I decided to finally do the things I really want to do? Hmm. Hopefully this 2012, I get most things right :)

I'll be hopefully making the looking-back-at-the-year-that-was post tomorrow, so yah haha! I just want to write like this on the last day of 2011~ Plus I don't really wanna think about what happened in 2011 and just face midnight with positive vibes. :)

It's my first time using the new look of blogger~~ And I really like it LOL Blame me for not writing here for a whole month haha!

There's a lot to do next year; joining a new org (UP Arirang) and shifting courses (to BS Clothing Technology) being just to of them. I hope I get good results!

song playing: Troublemaker's 아무렇지 않이 Actually it's more of Hyunseung's solo song :)

Ja~ I hope everyone receives good fortune this new year! (Jsyk, that's the literal translation of 새해 복 많이 받으세요 heehee)

PRN :)

2011-11-30T20:20:00.001+08:00

song playing: KARA's STEP

Haha I know I haven't blogged in a long time, but I just wanna say this:

I proudly vote for Pop Reviews Now for the 2011 Philippine Blog Awards Bloggers’ Choice.

So many reasons why, but I'll just mention one: she makes understanding music so much easier, and when you read her posts, you just can't help but agree. She puts into words the things about music you just cannot pinpoint. She's, in my opinion, one of the most amazing young critics today :)

I hope everyone sees that and votes for her as well! :)

song playing: KARA's Rider

P.S. I shall blog about life soon, hopefully :)) Ja~

Dreams

2011-10-12T18:18:00.004+08:00

song playing: HoMin's Introduction ~ magenta ~

Hi! Uhm, okay. It's been a long while since I last blogged. I'm sorry.

Actually, I'm supposed to be busy reviewing for my 108 finals on Friday, but since this is bothering my mind at the moment -- and is gravely important in my life -- I shall take the time to write about this.

And right now, I'm actually planning on being honest. So I hope -- if anyone actually reads this -- nobody laughs at what I'm about to blab about. Because honestly if you plan on laughing I don't even know why your bothering with reading this when you can spend your time doing more useful stuff for your life. Anyways, here I go...

To start off, I'll probably fill you guys in on what I've been busying myself with the past few weeks.

Well, the answer to that question is actually just one thing: WRITING.

No, I'm not writing anything else other than fanfics. Yep, I started writing in August (I actually posted the first ever chapter of my first ever fanfic on GD's birthday; and the fanfic's about him, silly VIP underneath the Jumping BoA that is me ㅋㅋ) and since then I haven't been able to stop. I've already got two fanfics in my hands.

I guess it's a way for me to spill out all the creativity I've been hiding within myself for basically my entire life. If it's too much to say then I'm sorry, but looking back on my entire life, half of which I do not remember, I can say that the amount of creativity I have that I've actually shown the world is... less than one percent.

I'm not a popular writer (mainly because I just started) and honestly I'm fine with being unpopular; as long as the people who actually read the stuff I write like it.

So, I'm sharing the links if you guys want to drop by and read it:

Our Twitter Secrets (this one features GD as the lead)

Emergency Boyfriend (this one features Junhyung as the lead)

So, with that, I'll probably go to the main reason why I actually got myself to write a blog post after who knows how long (and no, I'm not really planning on checking; it ruins the momentum).

So yesterday (yes it was yesterday), I was walking up the stairs of AS when I came across the most amazing publicity material I have ever seen: a pubmat for the graduation show of the BS Clothing Technology graduating class.

To simply put it, my entire world felt like it would break apart.

Because my heart suddenly broke into a million pieces, knowing that I would never be part of any BS Clothing Technology graduation show. Even though I know in my heart that I'm supposed to be.

Have I mentioned before that it was a dream of mine since I was nine? To become a fashion designer? And then I finally realized I wanted to be a wedding gown designer after designing my tita's wedding gown back in 2008?

Do you guys know what I thought when I saw my tita walk down the aisle that day? It wasn't 'OMG my tita's getting married', or 'OMG she looks gorgeous', or 'OMG they're so good for each other'. It was 'I designed that dress. I'm not part of the program as a bridesmaid or whatever because I designed that dress'. And the happiness I felt that day was just indescribable.

Anyway, yesterday, I was this close to deciding that I would shift out of Psych next semester to CT; the SoFA crash courses pubmats adding fuel to the fire. But after ten hours of sleep (I didn't bother doing any school work when I got home because I was practically broken), I decided I would just take CT electives and crash courses from wherever when I can.

But then I thought about it again today, as in just now, before I started writing this.

I was complimenting my friend Nicole (who, by the way, is one of the most amazing music critics in the world, check her site here) about how amazing she writes. Then I realized how freakishly incompatible I am with my course right now (jsyk, it's Psychology).

If I had to list down the fields I am most interested in, they would be:

- Fashion & Styling; the whole lifestyle that is this.

- Music

- Dance

- to some degree, Acting (which makes Theater so enticing)

- Art

- Writing

So basically, if I had to choose courses that would suit those interests, it would have to be:

- Fashion Design (which in UP terms is Clothing Technology because of reasons I do not even know when they basically learn the same stuff in fashion schools to a certain degree I do not know of since I'm not a CT major)

- Music

- Dance

- Theater

- Comparative Literature (or Journalism but I honestly find writing news too boring for my life; and yes, I've written news)

But I know how Music, Dance, and Theater are too much for my life simply because the dream I aspire to be with those things involved is an idol (which brings me to another frustration that I didn't audition for tvN's Kpop Star Hunt but whatever; that's the least of my frustrations now) and I know I don't really need a degree in Music or Dance to be an idol.

So, it's either CL or Fashion Design, or in UP terms, CT.

But I don't like writing when I'm required to do it. I like writing, but when it's required of me to do so, I don't like doing it anymore. Because I don't like writing without inspiration (which would make me a bad songwriter; and yes, I've written a few songs, but they're all kept in my laptop or in my room). For me, the things I write without inspiration always end up wrong beyond belief. So I just write when inspiration strikes me.

So, CL's out. CT remains.

Do you know that feeling wherein everything just seems to fit perfectly just by the thought of two things together? Because that's how I feel whenever I think of myself in Fashion Design, or in UP terms, CT. It's like, the whole would suddenly becomes this place filled with rainbows and happiness and everything just seems right.

It's like, when I saw that pubmat yesterday, my heart just started to beat really wildly and I just had every urge to run to CHE and claim my spot as one of the CT students? Because the first thought that entered my mind when I saw that pubmat was: "I want my own grad show, my own fashion show".

So, I have every reason to be there, in CT. Actually if I had the say in it I would drop out of UP right now and enroll in SoFA or FIP.

But why am I an Psych?

Honestly, I don't know anymore.

Yes, I'm interested in all these Psych concepts; yes, I want to learn more about how people think; yes, I want to help the people important to me with their problems. But is that enough reason?

Because honestly, I feel like Psych is too rigid for my life. I mean, look at the interests I have. Yes, all of them have a certain rigidity (I cannot believe there is such a word) to them, but in essence, they're free, shapeless. You can let your creativity flow in them. I mean (and this is a pretty bad example but just to drive home the point) Lady Gaga did wear a dress made out of meat, right? Psych revolves around concepts, rules, theories, and strict ones at that. I was writing my behavior modification paper for 140 a while ago and the only thing I thought of while writing was 'too formal for my life'.

My entire life, I've been trying to make other people happy by doing things not really within my grasp, because I can only be rigid and formal for so long. Sometimes, I shock myself whenever I write my fanfics, because I honestly don't know how I can write such things. Sometimes, I sit down and read my fanfics again (as a way of critiquing myself) and I don't know why, but the stuff I've written so far is, in my own personal opinion without any bias, good. They're not the most amazing stories and I'm only just in the point wherein I'm finding out how to incorporate as many stories within the story as much as possible while still making the story good and how to make good twists in the story, but if I read the stuff I wrote and it can from someone else, I think I'd be hooked.

Again, I'm not complimenting myself.

And it makes me realize how much freaking creativity I have that I haven't showed people in the past how many years of my life.

My family knows I want to be a fashion designer, but I don't think they've seen what I can do (aside from the wedding dress I designed for my tita).

So, what am I doing in Psych?

Is it because I want to graduate soon? Is it because of Psych Soc (because there's something in our constitution which says that only Psych majors can be head of the committee I'm in now, go figure)?

Or is it because I'm too scared to actually do something I want for once in my life?

I'm scared to do impulsive things that I know I won't regret, but aren't in my comfort zone?

Which is why I just want to escape. Because I don't know who I should satisfy right now. I don't know what I should do with my life. I'm confused; confused being an understatement.

song playing: KARA's STEP

I'm sorry if the post is too long and scattered, I don't wanna edit it anymore. I said what's on my mind and at the end of it I'm still confused. It lost form at the end, just like how I am right now: scattered and broken.

I'm not trying to sound poetic.

Ja.

2011-10-03T21:07:00.001+08:00

SORRY I, UH, HAVEN'T BEEN BLOGGING.

I'LL BLOG TOMORROW, I PROMISE.

GOOD NIGHT LOL.

2011-08-31T18:53:00.002+08:00

song playing: G.NA's Top Girl

I'm trying not to listen to ballads as much as possible.

It's raining so hard outside~ Actually the weather has been so bipolar haha.

Anyway, I've been busy with something lately that's not related to acads in any way.

I started writing a fan fiction two weeks ago! Haha. Been posting it on asianfanfics and so far everyone who's been reading has been liking it I'm so happy.

Been trying to get back my creativity which I know I've lost for a while now. I feel so lost so I decided to try and give a shot at writing again. So far it's been really good. But I can't wait to finish it and maybe start writing another story. Or maybe a song like I used to. I miss writing songs haha. Just saying.

Anyway, that's not really the real reason why I wanted to blog today.

The truth is, I've been really depressed lately. It's not really the kind of depression that's like, a clinical sickness that I need to get treated medically (at least, not yet), but I have been really sad lately.

At home, I feel so much like trash. Okay there, I said it. I feel like nothing I'm doing is good enough, and I feel so unimportant. It's like they're not really treating me like how I treat them. I dunno why but I'm feeling that way. I know it's kinda showing in just really really shallow ways, but sometimes when those little things build up, I end up exploding. And I can't explode on my family, so I just hide it.

The worst part is that I know that they don't deserve the negative feelings I have right now because they're a really nice family.

It's my fault actually. I can't always seem to find the right inspiration to get things going. It's like I'm forever stuck like this until something important happens to my life.

That's why I'm wishing that I get accepted to the Student Exchange Program I applied for.

I know that it's gonna be hard for me to do this on my own; without any kind of external motivation. I know that internal motivation is also pivotal but look where it's gotten me so far.

I really want to change; it makes me cry to think about it. I feel so weak and insecure and shit.

I FEEL LIKE SHIT RIGHT NOW K. I hope it'll stop raining soon.

song playing: BoA's Dangerous

In other news, guess who became a happy fangirl just now~ ME!

Ja~~ :D

2011-08-19T17:28:00.002+08:00

song playing: 슈퍼주니어의 Y

So it's been a while since I blogged :D I have stories to tell yay!

Just this past Tuesday, I finally got interviewed for the Korean Student Exchange Program I applied for! :D

To tell the truth, I was really nervous and my hands kept on fidgeting haha! I didn't know what to expect of the questions (DUH) but in the end it was all good. I think they had a good look at who I was and what kind of person I am. I couldn't remember all the questions they asked me (blame my crappy memory) but it was fine. I think I answered them well 'coz I don't really have any regrets in my answers :)

They said they would just let me know the results in a while. So yah, I'm still waiting for the results to be out :D

To tell the truth, my heart is still 50-50. I mean, I want this so bad, everyone knows that, but then I think about what will happen to my committee in PsychSoc if I get accepted. But whatever happens, I'll accept it and make the most out of it :D And of course, I still wish I'll pass so for once, I can finally do something I've always wanted to do -- even if it's just for one year.

I had three exams this week T_T Well, one was a quiz but whatever haha! Wednesday, I had a 140 quiz (SEE WHY I CONSIDER IT AN EXAM HAHA) and I was pretty confident about it since I studied for it mahahahahaha! Then 108 exam which was O_O I studied, yes, but not so much as I should have because there were so much stuff to read and I was a crappy student at the start of the semester. Anyways, I hope I pass :) AND OMG MY ANSWER FOR THE BONUS =)) The question was something like, how do you use your knowledge of Kapwa theory to convince your crush to like you. And my answer was so funny =)) I already forgot the exact words. I'll make a now post when I remember it haha!

Then Thursday I had the Anthro 10 exam. It was easier than I imagined and I was so relieved to know what I studied was sufficient :) Of course there were some I didn't answer (the identification part) but in the essay parts (yes, with an s) I really gave it my all and my hand hurt from writing haha!

Then I attended PsychSoc's ACLE about Information Dissemination through Media. It was so fun haha! THEN BNPN WOOT. Haha I was in my own world that night. No I wasn't drunk, just a bit bored? Don't get me wrong; BNPN wasn't boring :D But I just didn't feel like really going wild and partying. Guess I'm not that used to it anymore? Plus I'm really just a person who likes the quiet in general :) But I had a lot of fun of course; PsychSoc is the best :>

Uhm... Well, aside from the interview there isn't really anything significant that happened to me this week =))

song playing: f(x)'s Gangsta Boy

I'll write again when I have new stories, as always :D

Oh! And I'm writing a fanfic LOL. A first for me :> I decided to let it out of my imagination and type it :))

Ja~

2011-08-08T19:59:00.002+08:00

song playing: Super Junior's Mr. Simple

Can I just say I'm loving the song? And the album as a whole? Haha! Of course some songs are stand outs, but I'm loving the vibe of the album as a whole :) Oh, SME, you don't do anything wrong~ EXCEPT not put Super Man in the album!! Whyyyyyyy~ Haha!

So today, I started out with TWO behavior modification projects: one for school, one for a more personal thing :)

The first one (the one for school) is having a regular, daily study time. I need this because I'm not really studying HAHA! I mean, I only study when there's a need for it, and I don't think that's helping out with my life. It's like, I have time to do it, but I spend it on useless stuff (like surfing the net for 35723085 hours). So I have to study! Plus I already said I wanted to graduate Magna Cum Laude (or higher Cum Laude) in college so nothing can stop me from doing what I want in life. :) I said, for my motivator, that if I get to reach my daily quota for the week, I'm able to watch ONE movie at the end of the week which is really nice 'coz I want to have time to watch one new movie, I can finally do it! :)

This week is still the baseline week (so I know how much I need to improve) and I'm using Changing-Criterion (basically the change is gradual so it won't cause too much shock and it can be more permanent, like what I want) so I'm just monitoring myself and my almost non-existent study habits =))

The second one (the more personal one) is losing weight! Well, now, because of the 140 project (and the fact the Denise's debut is in two weeks), I decided to finally do it using what I've learned so far haha!

I didn't make this my official project for 140 since it's harder to explain it -- like, how I want it to happen and shiz :))

Anyways, I have to go to gym everyday (Monday to Saturday) and work out DUH haha! I've allotted four hours per day for this but I'm not that strict on it since my body's still not used to it. And yah, I have an initial goal (for Denise's debut), and an overall goal (for the end of the year) :D

My motivator? For every kilogram I lose, I immediately allot P50 for future use of treating myself. I had this dream that I was buying the AMAZING medium-sized, nude-colored leather bag with a floral lining and I thought I should save up and search for a similar bag and buy it haha! So what better way to motivate myself to save money, right? Plus I think it's an awesome motivator because, like what I heard or read someplace before: FASHION is the MOST EFFECTIVE motivator for a girl to lose weight. It's not making a guy like you or for you to look more likable and stuff; it's the CLOTHES. The thought of actually being able to wear ALL the clothes you WANT to wear and NOT WORRY whether they look good on you or not.

I know the bag isn't really CLOTHING, but my other motivator, if I reach my overall goal (hopefully by the end of the year), is that I'm going on an awesome shopping spree and change my entire wardrobe (or a large portion of it) :D The P50 per kilo lost is only an additional motivator so I can buy something PARTICULAR with the money since the shopping spree isn't really specific :)

It's hard to explain but oh well, I hope whoever reads this blog (i.e NONE) can understand the stuff I said. :)

I thought not talking about it to other people would make it easier for me but I was wrong; maybe that's why I didn't succeed in my first 3513541235 attempts haha! So I'm being open about it, especially to Denise, Isay, Chok (my older brother), and this blog :) I guess it's good to talk about it (or write about it) so I can be more motivated to put another chapter to the story everyday :)

I'm just really motivating myself right now and keep on telling myself that I can do this :) I really feel like right now, I'm gonna be able to do this. I hope this works out because -- like I said a million times before -- I can't wait for my life to happen; I have to do a few (or a lot) of things myself in order for my life to happen.

Oh! And I got advised today as well haha! Our adviser's so nice :)

song playing: Super Junior's 기억을 따라 (Memories)

Ja~~~ Until I have more stories to tell :)

2011-07-24T14:25:00.002+08:00

song playing: 이민우의 The 'M' Style ft. Tablo

Yesterday was strange. I was supposed to meet a friend, ate Pia, for lunch but Jona called me for something important so I met her instead. Then I went to Starbucks Katip and was with Kaka and Holly for about two hours until our other friends came. We were waiting for time to pass before going to Psych Soc's Acquaintance Party.

And then, while talking with Denise, Yana, and Gina beside the cafe's bar, I saw someone in the table nearest looking at us, or at me? I looked and saw this guy, looking, just looking. At first I didn't mind and I just went to the bathroom. But when I got out and me and Denise were about to return to our table on the other end of the store, this guy again looked at us, or at me? While walking, I suddenly remembered why his face seemed familiar: I've seen it before. I looked back twice to make sure, he was still looking at me I would assume. And that just made me surer about it.

I've seen him before. His face was familiar. It belonged to someone I thought was important to me. It belonged to a friend I once had about two years ago.

But surprisingly, I'm not that bothered. I thought, if I would see him one day, I would be so bothered and I would spend the next few days thinking about what happened two years ago and I would bury myself in regret again. But I'm not. I honestly don't even know if it was really him.

Right now I can just say "Oh well" and get on with my life. I didn't feel bothered at all. And for me to not really feel bothered right now is amazing imo :))

So right now, I'm just living my days in happiness and optimism, I guess. I mean, I'm not like, wearing yellow all the time and desperately trying to spread sunshine all over. =)))))) But I am trying to be more energetic and happy :)

Let's just hope it works out :)

Ja~ :*

2011-07-08T20:53:00.003+08:00

I never thought I'd ask myself this question but here I go: DO I really have any REAL friends?

I thought my high school close friends were it; they would be the ones I would be friends with forever. I knew that we would meet other people and be friends with those people as well. But I thought nobody could compare to them, that nobody knew me like they did. But, was I wrong?

Because now that I think about it, I don't think they really know me, like REALLY know me. Because now, I feel anxious whenever I see them or whenever I feel like I'm going to have to see them. Right now, I don't really want to be with them, or maybe just with this one particular person.

With college friends right now, I feel like I'm most comfortable. Not just because I'm sharing the same experiences right now with them, but because I feel like they understand me more as a person than the high school friends. With them, I'm not afraid to say what I feel about someone or something, I can laugh with them and not feel obligated to laugh. I can tell them secrets I don't really tell the hs friends because I don't wanna tell them. With the college friends, I WANT TO TELL.

I don't know how you'd take this (but I know no one even reads this blog) but this is how I feel right now. And since I've been honestly thinking about it the past few days, I think this was written with a lot of thought and not just an initial reaction.

2011-06-29T16:55:00.003+08:00

song playing: 소녀시대 태연의 사랑해요

So, hi haha! Before anything else can I just say that I totally regret buying that cheeseburger a while ago because now I don't have any extra money to save haha! Good thing I have this current obsession for collecting five-Peso coins and putting them in my cute piggy bank (which isn't really a pig) =)) So now I promise myself that I will never ever buy anything other than one meal for lunch and a drink. And I shall no longer treat anyone =))

And! I already figured out how to put Korean in my keyboard so now I can type Korean! :D Thank you to whoever answered the question on Yahoo! Answers :D

song playing: 3!4!0! from Lie to Me OST

Is Lie to Me a good drama? Hmm...

Anyways! I tweeted that I was going to blog about something! And here it is! =))

I finally submitted my requirements for the Korean Student Exchange Program! \:D/ I was working on it myself without any help from my parents and stuff because I wanted to do it by myself; getting recommendation letters and all that stuff. And I'm really proud of myself for having to do this and really finish all the requirements and submitting them on my own.

I'm saying this like it's a big deal because I'm normally the kind of person who would shy away in someone else's shadow -- anyone's shadow -- because I'm too scared of taking risks. And so for me to step up like this -- even for just something like this -- is already a big deal.

And what makes me happier is that everyone's been supporting me and they all wish that I get it and they're all saying that I really deserve it. Well, I haven't really told the UPIS friends about it yet since I don't really see them and it's not really something to announce out of nowhere, but the PsychSoc friends who I talk to everyday know and all of them are so generous in showing their support. And it just makes me more determined to do what I can to get it, since everyone's showing that much support.

Even 수정 언니 is supporting me when I told her. And even though she lives in Busan, she told me we'll find a way to meet if I get it. :)

I hope I get it. It's something I've wanted ever since I can remember and trust me, what I can remember in the course of my life so far is not a lot. And I want to know what it feels like to get something you've been dreaming about since, like what I said in a blog post (or a post on Tumblr, I think) and a tweet, I've felt like I working hard towards something I won't have in the end; I hope I get it in the end. If I don't get it, then I'm just gonna have to work that much harder to study and get high grades and save money so that hopefully one day soon I'll be able to get it, right?

Right now I'm just filling myself with positive and optimistic energy because I can't really be anything else other than that. The guy at OEC said the interviews will more likely be by the third week of July since they moved the deadline to July 15. So I hope I'll do well there. :)

song playing: 클래지콰이의 라펀젤 (Rapunzel)

Trying to get used to typing in 한글 haha! :)

안녕!! ^__^

2011-06-24T11:41:00.002+08:00

song playing: Brown Eyed Girls' Letter of Separation

Yah, it's my own translation of the title (Ibyeol Pyeonji). :)

So I'm sick. :(

Well, it's the reason I'm home on Friday morning; there are no classes because of the heavy-like-hell rain haha!

But still, I haven't been feeling well since Monday.

Meh, I don't actually know why I need to report this haha!

Oh yah.

I've had to be really sedentary (?) (if it's the right word for it haha!) this past week since I don't want to feel worse. But I think Imma start "moving" again (and by moving i mean exercising) tomorrow since I don't think I'll feel better if i just sleep the whole day haha!

But my laziness is kicking again! :(

I have to do things but I'm kinda lazy to do it right now. :( It's because of the rain haha! I love rain, btw. :))

Anyways, I think it's because I haven't taken a bath yet. I will after this post so I can start reading and doing the things I need to do :)

Oh! Me, my mom, and Chok went to The Platform at Galleria last night. The place is really nice. But it makes me sad because the 23085230524 insecurities I have about myself are still here that I can't wear the clothes I'd wanna buy there.

I did buy two motivation clothes though. The clothes that I can only wear when I lose weight. :)

Well, I already have a lot of those kinds of clothes haha! Hmm... I should clean my room again! :) Well, at least rearrange it... Okay I already have something in mind :)

Haha my mind is blank now :))

Okay I have a new plan for my room now haha! Where did that come from? :))

=)) I was just reblogging stuff on Tumblr when I thought of it so, yah :D

song playing: HoMin's WHY (Keep Your Head Down)

Ja! :D

2011-06-17T20:59:00.002+08:00

song playing: SeeYa's Crazy Woman

December 27.
That's my deadline; the deadline I set for myself.
I want to greet myself differently at that time.
All those goals, I want to achieve them by this time.

Okay, that's all. I just wanted to blog about it :)

same song playing :)
Ja. :)

2011-06-14T20:04:00.002+08:00

song playing: SM The Ballad's Miss You

No, I didn't dl their single, I'm listening to SeoulFM haha. It's really cool 'cause I get to listen to all those other Korean songs I chose not to listen to plus my faves :)

So today, I went to my Bio 1 prof to settle things so I can finally work on my requirements for the Korean Student Exchange thing. And it turns out, I can only remove the subject at the end of the sem. She said I'm gonna have to take the final exam at the end of the first sem to be removed.

So, you can maybe sense the depression I feel right now, right?

And then it hit me:

I don't even know who are the other people applying for the program, but I already know that out of the majority, if not all, of them, I have the most drive and reason to go to Korea. If you've been reading this blog in the six years it has been existing, you would get a huge feel of what this program means to me. And there's a huge possibility that i won't get it simply because of a 0.034 in my GWA? Isn't that the most stupid reason ever?

So I decided, I would still submit the requirements because I don't really have anything to lose but everything to gain. And I don't want to regret not submitting the requirements just because of that.

And I told myself, I MUST GRADUATE MAGNA CUM LAUDE IN COLLEGE. IF NOT MAGNA, THEN A HIGHER CUM LAUDE.

Because if those stupid grades are what will keep me from doing what I want, then isn't that stupid? So I'll do everything to get high grades so no one can ever tell me that I can't do this or that ever again.

Honestly I just want to cry right now. It's just so stupid. My grades, my GWA, those don't show how much I want and need to get this. And yet because of it, I might not get through. Isn't it stupid?

Ja. I'll write my essay now. I'll pour my heart into it. I always pour my heart out when I write, but this time it's different. The emotion has to get across because right now, it's the only way I can show them how much I want this.

song playing: GD&TOP's Knock Out

2011-06-11T21:45:00.002+08:00

song playing: HoMin's MAXIMUM

Okay so I'm just pissed. Not as much as I was a few minutes ago, but still pissed.

As you guys know (whoever's reading this), I have FIVE MAJOR priorities:

MY LIFE, STUDIES, PSYCH SOC, SoBPH, GUTSY.

My life and studies are somewhat hand-in-hand since all those other things are incorporated in these two.

But for the other three, there are times when I have to choose between them; which is more of top priority AT THIS TIME, where am I needed, etc etc.

Today, I had to choose between PsychSoc and SoBPH.

PsychSoc had the video shoot for the apps' orientation today. And aside from that, Libecom also had their photoshoot (I'm the deputy of Libecom jsyk).

SoBPH had a meeting on the future of the FC (I'm a core staff at SoBPH jsyk).

So, where am I more "needed"?

I chose PsychSoc for a few reasons: one, up until 1PM today, Libecom didn't have a very solid idea of what we were gonna do for the photoshoot. And I was still very pissed off because no one was replying to my brigs.

Unlike in SoBPH, I'm core staff. But there are still the admins and founders. And I already gave out my ideas for the FC to one of the admins so I think I'm less needed there.

OKAY SHE JUST MESSAGED THAT I'M AN EXCEPTION BUT I WILL STILL STATE MY BEING PISSED OFF ANYWAY.

Our main admin said that she was disappointed with everyone who didn't attend and today was when she knew who're really committed to the FC. Well, she cleared up that I'm an exception to the statement, but when she didn't clear it up I was clearly pissed off.

I give 100% to all those priorities, okay? But there comes a time when, like I said, I have to choose, esp between PsychSoc and SoBPH since GUTSY doesn't really have a lot of activities. I'm sorry if today, I felt like I was more needed at PHAn than at Makati.

I just hope you understand that.

That's all. Not pissed off anymore since it's been cleared up on my end so, yah. :)

Ja.

2011-06-10T12:27:00.003+08:00

song playing: BEAST's Virus

I'm actually draining by phone's battery.

So I just finished enrolling for the first sem, AY 2011-2012. Haha meh.

So. My sched's really pretty.

And all my classes end by 1PM yay me :)

So what I'm planning is that:

Every MWF, I go to the gym at 6AM for one hour before going to school.

Every TTh, I go to the gym at 4PM-ish. So I can have time and bond with the BOPS haha.

Yep, basically that will be my life for the first sem: work out hard and lose weight, study hard, save a lot of money, get high grades, get back on track and run for honors.

And then suddenly, AJ messaged me a link on FB, and it's about... A one-year student exchange program for South Korea next school year 2012-2013.

The criteria are:

1. Undergraduate students who are currently enrolled in the university (YEA DUH)

2. 2nd-3rd year standing or not graduating during AY 2012-2013 (Uh-huh, I'm graduating 2014)

3. GWA of 2.0 or better for Korea; GWA of 1.5 or better for Japan (Let's get back to this later)

4. (It is a must): Knowledge of Nihongo or Korean (has previously taken language courses or is currently enrolled in a Japanese or Korean language class) (I'm enrolled for Koreyano 10 right now and I'm taking Koreyano 11 next sem)

I don't have problems with the others but, the third one I am worried about.

I have a 4.0 for Bio 1. And I need to get a 3.0 for that or else.

I computed my grades:

If my Bio1 is still 4.0, my GWA is 2.034. If my Bio1 grade becomes 3.0, my GWA becomes 1.953. AND CAN YOU SEE HOW FREAKING CRUCIAL THOSE THREE DECIMAL POINTS ARE.

Usually the University considers up until the third decimal.

So, in simple terms, here's the case:

IF I DO NOT GET FUCKING REMOVED I WILL NOT GET THE FUCKING CHANCE TO GO TO SOUTH KOREA IN THE SPRING NEXT YEAR.

That's the case, and so I have to get removed.

I have to talk to Dr. Amparado (hopefully she hasn't retired while I was contemplating about my grade over the summer) And find a way to get a 3.0. I honestly don't think she got to record ALL the stuff I submitted so Imma have to talk to her SOON. As in after my classes on the first day of classes, June 14, I will stalk her right away.

So right now, I'm just going to have to take care of my other reqs (excluding the TCG) so I once I finish the Bio1 craziness once and for all, I can submit ALL the reqs on time or earlier.

--------------------

I seriously have to start living my life. It's not even funny anymore.

I'm not being serious or anything, I just have to start doing the things that I want before I run out of time.

No song playing. My phone's battery died in the middle of my writing this post and I don't wanna open my Media Player yet haha.

Ja.

OH! Btw, I created a Tumblog. Finally. =)) It's: http://akodawsileni.tumblr.com Of course it is :)

2011-06-07T21:26:00.001+08:00

NOW I REMEMBER WHAT I WAS GOING TO SAY AT THE START!!!

I STARTED WATCHING SECRET GARDEN ALREADY YAY!

I'VE WATCHED TWO EPISODES SO FAR HAHA! SO KILIG AS IN I WAS JUMPING BECAUSE OF KILIG HAHA!

K THAT'S ALL =))

2011-06-07T20:33:00.002+08:00

May I just say, in all honesty, that it is quite hard choosing which album to play whenever I'm writing a blog post =)) I mean, I want the ambiance to be good so =))

song playing: GD&TOP's Intro

OHYEAH :>

So, hm I was supposed to say something before I start out on how my day went but meh. =))

So this morning was ENROLLMENT DAY ONE (and cue the scary music). And since I'm not a freshie anymore, I kinda got it hard. I only got NINE UNITS from CRS which sucks but oh well at least not zero units plus nine's my favorite number so haha! Anyway.

I didn't get 110 because all classes are full (boo) and Chem 16 so I lined up to enlist for Chem 16 and it just so happened that there are NO MORE CHEM 16 SLOTS K. So, I went to AS Lobby and me and Carl were supposed to enlist a GE together but his sched sucks haha! Joke no, we just don't have the same free time in between subjects so I ended up enlisting for Kas 2 and Math 2. And I'm pretty sure I'll be taking Chem 16 next sem already since there's no chance that someone would be stupid enough to cancel Chem 16 so yah. I'm going to be enlisting an AH GE tomorrow so I can have 18 freaking units and I'll just decide how I'm going to live my life =))

So I went to the gym today :)) That's the thing I was supposed to blog about yesterday but I couldn't find my laptop's charger plus I got home late so meh, I'll blog about it today haha!

So yesterday was when I enrolled for a membership in the gym kinda near UP; if you know the gym I'm talking about then meh.

So I went there today to just try it out, see what happens in my life haha! And then a trainer saw me and decided to train me so yah. Two hours of extremeness haha! It was really fun! It was like, I know I'm gonna be liking this and I know I'm going to go through with it no matter what :)

It's too early to say that but hey, I already have one really good reason to go through with the gym: MONEY. I'm spending money on this, so better use the money I spent wisely right?

Speaking of money, I think I'll only get to start saving once classes start since this week, enrollment week, will be full of spending: Lunches, water/juice/coke/shakes since I'm gonna be helluva thirsty haha!, and Gang bondings =)) WE'RE SO CLINGY =))

Hm. Is that all I wanna say? I guess haha! I've been typing like crazy here it's weird I feel like my keyboard's gonna give up on me I hope not! :))

song playing: GD's 악몽

Heehee I like how I'm always thinking about which album I'm gonna play while blogging =))

Ja!

2011-06-05T14:26:00.002+08:00

No song playing, but I'm kinda watching this movie called Glitter and it stars Mariah Carey haha! And I think it's already finished :))

Anyway, hello!

I finally finished cleaning my room mansae! But I still have to talk to my mom about some clothes and accessories I'd like to get rid of since they're not really that much useful anymore.

song playing: The Pretty Reckless' My Medicine

But yah, other than that, I'm done. :)

I realized I only have two pairs of jeans, two pairs of shorts, and I think around four or five skirts haha! Which means I really need a new wardrobe haha!

Well, I don't have money right now so I'm gonna have to save up for that.

Uhm, actually, I'm planning to start going to the gym tomorrow *insert huge grin right here*. I'm gonna use some of the money I received on my birthday to pay for this month/first time and well, duh, save up money so I can pay for the next few months since I can't ask money from my parents for it. :) I'm really just planning to save a whole lot of money for the rest of the year so I can buy new clothes hopefully by the end of the year. Oh yah, and I need an EHD as well. Right, I stated that already in a blog post a few months back haha!

So, I don't really know how I'm going to save money aside from bringing packed lunch or starving, walking and all that shiz, but yah, I'm gonna have to do something somehow haha! I'll be a really good person this year and not go out much except when I really need to. :D

In all honesty, I'm just hoping this can be a good enough motivation for me to keep going. I can see myself at the end of the year, when we have our tradition inuman session, looking like how I want myself to look like; and I like it. A lot.

And so, with that image in mind, I can hopefully go through with this for the rest of the year. I'll be the grade-conscious-health-buff-ish-gym-going Libecom deputy for the rest of the year so I can be proud of myself once I get my life. Well, I don't know if I'm still going to be deputy during second sem, so the deputy thing is only applicable for first sem. :)

Hm, what else should I write about haha!

I dunno anymore. I'm just honestly quite bored :))

So uhm, ja? =)) Until I can tell more stories of boredom :D

song playing: The Pretty Reckless' Goin' Down

2011-05-30T23:50:00.002+08:00

song playing: BoA's OVER ~across the time~

CONGRATULATIONS TO BoA WHO'S CELEBRATING HER TENTH ANNIVERSARY SINCE DEBUT IN JAPAN TODAY! ACTUALLY, IT'S ALREADY 12:51AM IN JAPAN HAHA ANYWAYS.

THANK YOU FOR CREATING AMAZING MUSIC OVER THE PAST TEN YEARS IN JAPAN. THANK YOU FOR CONTINUING TO STAND ON STAGE AND PERFORM YOUR AMAZING SONGS THAT INSPIRE ALL OF US; ESPECIALLY ME.

HONTOUNI ARIGATOU GOZAIMASU BoA-SAN! DAISUKIDAYO! *HUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGG* OMEDETOU!!

2011-05-30T02:02:00.002+08:00

I DON'T WANT TO EDIT MY PREVIOUS POST BECAUSE I'M LAZY SO I'LL JUST WRITE A NEW ONE TO SAY THIS:

I DID NOT CRY BEFORE, DURING, OR AFTER MY DEBUT. LIKE I SAID A LOT OF TIMES ALREADY, I GOT EMOTIONALLY DRAINED DURING FOURTH YEAR HIGH SCHOOL SO I DON'T HAVE THAT MUCH EMOTION NOW. SO IT'S NO SURPRISE THAT I DIDN'T CRY.

I almost cried during Isay's part in the 18 Accessories and when I was talking about Tricia during my thank-you part, but I didn't cry. I honestly didn't wonder. I knew I wasn't going to cry. :)

That's all :))

song playing: BoA's the meaning of peace

2011-05-30T00:12:00.002+08:00

song playing: BEAST's Fiction

So, before I go to sleep because of the fact that we have a meeting at 10AM later haha, I just have to blog about the debut I had because I've been ranting about it here haha!

In general, I had a whole lot of fun!

That morning, I was still worried because the tarps were yet to be printed and there was a whole lot more stuff to do. Then as time passed I was getting more and more relaxed and then relaxed turned into excited once I was getting my hair and make-up done hee hee. :> Ooh segue! :)) I actually went to the supermarket at around 11-ish AM to buy drinks haha! I was wearing a TOPS (the one out of nine), pambahay shorts, my black jacket, and slippers and then I thought, "OMG I do NOT look like a debutante haha!" Anyways...

So where was I? Oh! Hair and make-up haha! The original plan for my hair was: it's gonna be ironed straight and then the top part will be teased. And then in the middle of fixing my hair we decided to just curl the bottom part which was a good thing because it looked nicer that way.

After all the preps in the house, we finally went to the venue. During the car ride, I can feel my stomach twisting into knots and I can't stop tweeting haha! I was getting really nervous. And it was already one hour late. =)) When we got there I was already so nervous but really excited at the same time. Finally, I went down to wait for my name to be called. I heard the people's reactions while the AVPs were being played and I was dancing to BoA's ID; Peace B while waiting haha!

So, that was it. After the second AVP, The MCs (Chok and Nika, my older siblings) finally introduced me haha! I went down the stairs and my dad was waiting for me and we went to the "stage" together, signalling the start of the 18 Dances.

I seriously don't know if I should tell EVERYTHING that happened because I'm just going to sound stupid and incoherent so I'll just randomly write from here haha!

The 18 Dances were super fun because we were all just dancing like complete idiots haha! When it got to the 17th dance which was Carl. Yah. Everyone was. Yah. And then my siblings decided to let us dance longer which was more awkward. OKAY IT WAS REALLY AWKWARD.

Then dinner came yay! I was finally able to change to my shorter dress which was the one I liked more haha! After changing, I got to eat some food and I went to my BJJ/SoBPH family and just sat there haha! THEY HAD FOUR SLRs WITH THEM SO IT WAS JUST PICTURES GALORE =)))) After them I went to my PsychSoc family :>

After dinner, there were song intermissions from AJ&Taj and Gab, mom's workmate's daughter. During Gab's performance of Bruno Mars' Just the Way You Are, Chad suddenly got up after the second chorus and pushed Carl to the center and told him to dance with me. TALK ABOUT AWKWARD. So we danced. And it was awkward. And Gab seemed like she wasn't going to ever end singing Just the Way You Are. It was really dragging and awkward. =)) Good thing it finally managed to end =))

Then 18 Accessories! All the accessories were soooooooo pretty! I was so shocked with ate Lara's gift: a pair of earrings which were just like the ones BoA wore during her Valenti era O_O I was just like "OMG OMG OMG" while she was saying the facts about the earrings.

What really shocked me during the 18 Accessories was what the ladies from the Gang were saying. We've only known each other for almost a year but I just can't believe the stuff they told me. I can't remember the exact words already because my memory sucks, but I never thought I had already done that much for them according to them. Hmm... I just can't believe it. I was touched the most by what Isay said. I actually almost cried with her message for me if I had my previous amount of emotion.

Then 18 Shots. Haha what can I say about the 18 Shots? =)) Well, they answered the questions =)) And then another awkward Carl moment comes. YES CHOK AND NIKA THANK YOU. One of the questions Chad made up for the 18 Shots was "Bagay ba si Leni at Carl Celino?" and Levi just happened to get the question :)) So then Chok and Nika called Carl over to act as my "escort" and stand behind me while Levi was answering the question. So he answered yes and everyone was like, wooh~. After the question was answered and both Carl and Levi were going back to their seats, Chok and Nika called Carl for him to answer the question Levi answered. And Carl, thank you for being a sport and playing around with my siblings haha! Even though it was really AWKWARD (I wonder how many times I've said "awkward" already haha!) you made it less awkward so thanks :D And btw, YAY FOR BACARDI even though it wasn't 151 because it still gave the response I wanted with the alcohol :>

After the 18 Shots, Gon&Gab&Hec performed two songs. SuDuJu didn't dance because they didn't practice a lot and Jonathan was sprained, I think. So yah. They just sang, which was fine :) I couldn't understand what Gon was singing during the first song because it just sounded like slurred words haha! But the second song, Jason Mraz's Remedy was decent. :))

18 Models!! I was so glad everyone was game for it :D And I was glad most of the ones who qualified to be part of the 18 Models were from PsychSoc :D And Dan got in as well yay!! (Dan from SoBPH :>) In the end Holly won she's so awesome yay!! It was a close fight between Holly, Denise and Taj :) But in the end, Holly won :)

My parents prepared a letter for me which was really touching :) And then the singing of happy birthday and the wishes from my family. :) To end the program, Chok asked me to say a few words. Basically what I said was:

Parents: Thank you for raising me the way you did. I could never imagine myself being someone else.

Relatives: Thank you for supporting me and my family.

UPIS: 11 years! I hope our friendship would be much deeper than it is now.

PsychSoc: We've only known each other for a year, but I already feel comfortable with you. I hope we'll have a deeper friendship in the following years.

BJJ/SoBPH: As long as BoA still sings and performs on stage, and even after that, we will be friends. I promise.

And that ended my 18th :) Everything worked out in the end :)

I'm sorry if a lot of the stories are about Carl :| tsk tsk.

But in all honesty, right now, what happened last night is all a big happy blur with hints of awkwardness =))

------------------------

I opened my gifts the following day I was so happy with the gifts I got. :)

My favorites? Aside from the money? HAHAHAHAHAHA!! :D

- The gray bag Ninong Jim gave me.

- The star earrings ate Lara gave.

- The purple wallet from Ninang Let.

- The white bracelet from Denise.

- The red bag Carl gave.

- The hand-held sewing machine from Rhea.

All of the gifts are piled up beside my bed and I will sort them out later after the meeting haha!! But for now I will sleep because, like I said, I have a meeting to go to later at 10AM =)))))

song playing: BoA's Nobody but you

I'll blog about something important later. But here's a teaser to it: #BoA10thyearJP <-- TREND THIS ON TWITTER NOW. :>

2011-05-24T20:06:00.001+08:00

After Saturday, can I please run away? Run away from everything? Because I don't want to be here anymore.

2011-05-24T19:38:00.002+08:00

song playing: Maroon 5's Never Gonna Leave this Bed

FUCK. Can I just rant for a bit? Honestly I can't take this anymore, I'm sorry.

Okay, so just a while ago, the designer of my dresses went here for the final fitting before finishing the dresses I'll be wearing in four days. Okay.

So, I don't really have any complaints with the cocktail dress aside from the length because I just wanted it shorter.

Actually I wanted it to have lots of layers of tulle underneath it and I don't know why there's no tulle but since I can no longer do anything about it, oh well. I like it nonetheless. Take note: LIKE. Not love. But it's on the way to being more than like.

I'm having the most issues with my long dress which my mom wants to call a gown. Okay.

Just to be sure of what I'm going to say, I took a look at the "original" design of the dress; where my dress is based from. And yes, all my arguments are valid.

First off, I specifically said: "purple and pink, the lighter shades" for the color. I remember it clearly. I wanted light shades of pink and purple. And I got plum. I mean, that's my first disappointment which can easily be erased because I've come to terms with the color.

Second, the design itself; or rather the execution of the design. I looked at the original photo of the dress, and the one I have isn't near it. I'm sorry, I'm being honest.

I can't honestly explain my frustration over it because I have to show the photos for comparisons. It's not because I'm fat or what. The clothes themselves are different. It's really frustrating.

And during the first fitting, I drew a new version of it which came to terms with the color, yes, but I changed it to make it more A-line. I didn't get that during the second fitting. I don't understand why it didn't change. I mean seriously, it was a week! A freaking week! I don't care if they had other dresses to tend to, but the thing is, it didn't even look like what I had designed during the first fitting. I don't freaking understand why it's like that!

And of course I couldn't say ANY of these during the fitting time because my mom would just bullshit me and tell me more bullshit. Seriously I don't freaking know what to do.

I feel like I'm gonna be wearing the long dress with a whole lot of insecurities because as of the moment, the only way to fix it to make it look half-decent is for it to be a tube dress which would show 9999 of the 10000 issues I have with my body. But that's the thing: I would rather have to forcefully show all my insecurities than wear an ugly dress. FASHION KNOWS NOT OF COMFORT. I heard that on Gossip Girl. And it's true. Suffering for the sake of fashion is more than a valid excuse. I don't want to wear an ugly dress just to save myself from my insecurities.

But back to the bullshit. Well, I can't say much about it anymore. And to tell the truth, I'm not feeling better. I have to cry this out of my system.

How I freaking wish I had a freaking boyfriend right now. Seriously.

Oh well.

song playing: Maroon 5's Get Back in My Life

FOUR DAYS. I HOPE THAT EVERYONE REALIZES I AM STRESSED TO THE POINT OF BREAKING DOWN BECAUSE I CAN NO LONGER TRUST ANYONE AROUND ME BECAUSE. I HONESTLY DON'T KNOW HOW TO ASK FOR BULLSHIT HELP ANYMORE. PUTA. FUCK.

song playing: Maroon 5's Just a Feeling

2011-05-21T00:17:00.002+08:00

Of course now I'm a bit depressed.

I honestly don't know why, but every time we talk about the debut thing that's gonna happen in a week, I get emotional and I just don't wanna talk about it.

Can I cry for a bit now?

Sigh. I honestly wish I have someone to talk to when I'm like this. A boyfriend, maybe? Haha but no, of course, I don't have one. I've never even had one so I don't know what it's supposed to feel like. Chad, Rhea and Jona all have boyfriends and me? Yah. I'm the chaperon. That's the way it is.

Sorry I'm ranting about it. That's just how things are. :)

2011-05-17T17:49:00.002+08:00

song playing: BEAST's The Fact

So I just downloaded their new album and I am now listening to it haha!

The last time I blogged was last month whut? Haha sorry! The debut planning, Math 100 and other shits have been occupying my mind haha!

So, I don't really know what happened to me but I just wanted to blog about stuff haha!

Hm... My eighteenth's fast approaching. I'm turning 18 in eleven days haha! And that's when my debut party will be as well. Imma be wearing two dresses which actually sort of depress me because I wish I was a bit thinner so I'd be able to look good in it haha! Every time I imagine myself wearing it (it's not yet finished btw) I imagine myself looking like I stuffed myself in it and I would look so awkward =))

I also realized my dresses (esp. the second dress, the shorter one) is too simple that I wouldn't really stand out. :) I mean, I'd probably look simple there compared to my friends. Anyway, I realized I'm not really the kind of person to wear really eye-catching stuff plus I don't really like it when I'm the center of attention. Maybe that's why I planned my party to be the way I planned it: so that not all the attention would be on me all the time. :)

So why the sudden talk about this? Well, I was looking at myself in the bathroom and as usual, I saw a person who looked like me but was in a body that wasn't really mine. Like I've said a lot of times, I'm happy with who I am and I love myself, but I know I can do so much better than live with this body for the rest of my life. But the thing is, I'm not really in much of a hurry to lose all of it. Well, I mean, I really want to lose all the extra extra weight as soon as possible, but not as soon as eleven days. I know that would be impossible. I can lose weight in eleven days, yes, but I cannot lose ALL of the extra weight; that much I know.

I've comforted myself in the fact that I would be turning 18 in this kind of body, and I'm okay with it. I don't want to be some pretentious person who almost killed herself just to lose a lot of weight in eleven days so she could look sexy JUST for her debut. Looking sexy and pretty for my debut would be nice, but if I'm not sexy in eleven days, then I would just live with it, right?

I've already realized that this debut isn't much of a motivation for me to lose weight. I tried to, but I didn't succeed, obviously. I'm a really hard person to motivate because I lose interest in the middle of everything, so quite obviously this party that's coming soon isn't enough. I don't want to force myself to do something if I'm not motivated enough to do it. I've decided to make the D-Day for the losing weight goal the last day of this year, 2011. At least that way I won't be stressing myself out and trying so hard to lose weight. I need to somehow make it part of my daily life so eventually I wouldn't need motivation to do it because I've already embedded it in my daily life.

So I decided I would have two main goals for the rest of 2011:

1. Lose weight I actually don't know how much more weight I need to lose since my last weigh in was like two months ago oh well I would find out soon enough.

2. Save money for:

a. Clothes Enough to change my wardrobe and this actually coincides with goal 1 because I would have to buy clothes that would fit the new and improved body I want to have.

b. Make-up I'm really tired of using the same colors all the time plus I only have one eyeliner, one mascara, two colors of eyeshadow, and one cheek tint. I don't even have the decent foundations and essentials, poor me.

c. External hard drive Because any fangirl in her right mind would have this. I run out of PC memory but not of things to download. From stuff in the past to the present. So I really need this.

Honestly I don't know exactly how I'm going to achieve those goals right now. But I realized that if I actually plan every single detail of it, I would end up losing motivation. I tried planning it last year, but it didn't work. So I'm gonna be trying this new thing now.

So, what's my motivation now? It's actually those things I would buy by the end of the year. I heard/read somewhere that fashion is the biggest motivator for a girl to lose weight, and yes that applies to me as well. I'm always somehow finding myself going back to fashion even the smallest of things. And I like it. A lot.

song playing: f(x)'s Pinocchio (Danger)

I just wrote and wrote and wrote so I know that's pretty much what's on my mind right now. Just the plain truth of it. I'm not really into wordplay because I suck at it so.

song playing: f(x)'s Beautiful Goodbye

I read the stuff i wrote before publishing; just so I know I didn't write a junk full of nonsense :)

So, that's it for now. Until I find myself writing about something :)

2011-04-24T23:06:00.002+08:00

song playing: San-E's Different Dreams ft. So Hyang

btw, that's my own translation of the title. :))

So.

Before I said, I never thought I'd ever make a resume.

But at the end of writing the post, I got to come to terms with the idea.

This time, I sent another resume. This time for a famous designer in the country.

Actually, I want to make it, I really do. I don't know what I want to make out of my life right now, but I want to make it. I want a bit of assurance that one day, everything's going to work out. And maybe it will come in this form.

I really want to be a designer. In my heart and soul I do. I don't think the kind of fascination I get whenever I see designers and clothes compares to other experiences. Watching a fashion show on TV, seeing designers, seeing a sewing machine, I get this feeling inside me.

More than anything else, I can see myself doing this. Because I can't really become a singer or an idol even if my singing is okay. Even though I write songs, I don't think I can go very far in that field. In painting or drawing, I don't think I'm good enough to do that. But whenever I sketch clothes, I get this strange feeling. And whenever I feel like the dress I'm sketching can be perfect, I don't give up on it until I'm satisfied.

Right now I'm confused with what I want to do in my life, but in the end I'm hoping that I would be in the kind of work I want to do: fashion design.

OKAY WAIT. Seriously I keep on thinking in Korean now haha! I don't even know how to speak the language fluently but when I typed that paragraph, my thoughts were in Korean. =))

ANYWAY.

I guess you get the idea. More than anything right now, I love designing clothes. I love designing clothes that would make people happy about themselves. I want to make clothes for people that when they wear them, they would be happy.

OKAY I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF I'M MAKING ANY SENSE HAHA! I'M SORRY IF I WRITE LIKE THIS. It's just that whenever the idea is like this, it's still jumbled up in my mind, the outcome is like this.

song playing: Miss A's Suzy's Winter Child

ja. Until I have another story. :)

2011-04-13T17:10:00.002+08:00

song playing: Big Bang's INTRO (Thank You and You)

I've never imagine myself writing a resume.

When I graduate college, I've always imagined myself studying fashion and after that, I would create my own clothing line. I would be my own boss. Therefore I wouldn't even need to write a resume; people would be sending their resumes to me.
But just now, I submitted my resume for an interning gig (I don't know what to call it haha). And then i sort of realized something: I would definitely need to write a resume one day for a job. And since I'm at that stage wherein i don't even know what I want to do with my life, I guess interning or getting a job or whatever would be a nice way to fill in the time when I'm not doing anything.

And what's funny is that now, I'm actually motivated to lost weight haha what?! I know it's funny but true. Okay I'm sorry it's so random haha! It's actually really weird but I suddenly thought of it after submitting my resume!

So I guess, for now, I will be working hard in losing weight and planning for my eighteenth and looking for what I really want to do with my life. I hope I can get in the interning gig. Or I can tag along with my older brother in his work because that will be so much fun. And I think the two work places are the same in the first place haha!

song playing: Big Bang's CAFE

I AM ALSO FRUSTRATED WITH MY BIO1 GRADE.
I know that I just practically threw the second sem away and didn't even do half of what I can do. i just got filled up with so much crap and problems that I didn't perform will this sem. But the reason why I'm so frustrated with my grade is that one, it came really late; two, I have no way of contacting my prof. Okay I expected I could get a 3.0, a barely-hanging-there-passing-grade because that's how I performed. My first long exam was above average, I failed my second long exam so I took the final exam because I don't know my standing and I want to be safe, I passed all assignments and even though I got low to okay scores in the quizzes/attendance, at least I took a majority of them. I think I did enough to get me a passing mark. Or now that I know I'm at this standing (okay fine I got a 4.0 which is subject to removals), I should at least get a chance to talk face-to-face or at least by email with my prof but NO, she doesn't have any contact details AND when I went to the Institute of Biology this morning, she wasn't in her office.
Sure, okay, maybe I do deserve my 4.0 and I should get removals, but at least I should've known about it FROM THE START, BEFORE THE START OF SUMMER ENROLLMENT. Why did the grades have to be submitted LATE AND LAST?
So now what? I have to go to IB every single day and wait for her to come so I can talk to her? I already left a letter with my contact details inside but should I wait for an e-mail or a text that will never come? She didn't even. UGH. Seriously I don't like her very much. I'm really sorry but I don't.

I'm very sorry if I'm offending anyone but I don't think it's very fair on my part, even though I know life's not fair. So maybe I just have to wait until next semester to have it removed? I should just keep this from my parents because honestly, even though I publicize my blog they never visit this anyway. And when they do find out, I can explain myself; I'm not really afraid. I just have to find a way to fix this because i don't want to sleep at night knowing I have this unresolved grade issue.

song playing: Big Bang 승리's 어쩌라고

So yah. Bye. Haha!

2011-04-12T14:57:00.003+08:00

song playing: JYJ's NINE

haha. I don't know what to blog about. I just wanted to blog hee hee.

my head hurts, actually.

okay, I'm getting nowhere.

so, today's enrollment for summer classes. and I'm almost done. but then, it's UP, and something's bound to happen. and yea, assessment was too slow so I didn't get my Form5 today. I have to go back for it tomorrow haha.

I'm actually just going to prepare for my eighteenth this summer; aside from Math 100 and PE.

I'm really pretty sad right now. I don't think I'm getting any support for the losing weight I'm trying to accomplish. :|

well, yah of course I'm motivating myself, but I don't think other people are. not even my best friend haha. well, I know he's that type of person but still.

okay, I'm ranting.

but here's the thing: I wrote stuff on my mirror to motivate myself, and then when I saw them this morning, it got erased a bit. so of course I had to tell our househelp that they shouldn't really do that haha. I don't know why but it just got me angry to the point that I was sort of crying when I was walking to get outside our subdivision. I don't really say anything in the house in general but it just kinda pissed me off because, well, it's my room. haha sorry ranting again.

I know it's just really really really shallow but I get pissed off at the most shallow of things because I really rarely say anything in general. maybe everything's just building up that by the time something shallow happens I get pissed. ugh. sigh.

I'm such a bad person. everyone says I'm a good person, I don't know why. I don't think I'm good enough to deserve that kind of credit. I sometimes think I'm a good person but when things like this happen, I just think that I'm a bad person. I backstab, you know. I don't like telling people straight at their faces what I think about them when I'm pissed off, so I tell it to other people. it's really kind of like backstabbing. see how much of a bad person I am? haha. I don't really like telling people bad stuff about them to that point.

do you know how much I hate it when people ask me "am I fat"? my sister asks me that a lot and I just hate it. I also hate it when my friends talk to each other about how fat they are when in reality they're not. okay, I'm fatter than you guys but I don't really rant about it. whenever they say that I just go on and get insecure and shy away in a corner of my own thoughts. they don't have model - by model I mean the skinny type - bodies but they are most certainly not fat. and duh, I don't want to tell them "no, I'm fat" because then I would go on about how miserable my life is and when I tell them "you're not fat" they don't believe it so I just have to shut up and listen to them whine about their bodies when they can wear whatever they want whenever they want. seriously. YOU GUYS CAN WEAR WHATEVER YOU WANT. YOU CAN WEAR A BIKINI THIS SUMMER, YOU CAN WEAR CROP TOPS, SLEEVELESS TOPS, MINI SKIRTS, SHORT SHORTS, ETC ETC ETC. DON'T CALL YOURSELVES FAT. you can work your way to be a bit thinner if you want but you are most certainly not fat. fat is different. your bodies are in perfect proportion to your body types, okay. I'm sorry I just really hate it. they can only be satisfied when they finally get a model's body but right now they think they're fat. I'm sorry if this will sound really selfish but if you guys are fat, what do you call me? okay, I'm just ranting out my insecurities here. I don't want to care about this but whenever you guys talk about it I just get pissed off inside because YOU ARE NOT FAT. do you get my point?

okay sorry. rant rant rant. my head's slightly better. maybe because of the air conditioning. I'm at my mom's office right now to look at fabrics for the scarves and my cocktail dress for my eighteenth.

I'm really working hard to lose weight.

I'm not yet stressing myself out to get model-thin (because I have naturally big arms and big bones), I just want to be able to wear normal clothes. for my body to be right, you know. a stomach that's not bulging and thirty-something inches like mine, etc etc. I really like who I am right now but I know I can be better, that's why I want to lose weight. and I really really really want to wear a lot of clothes that I can't right now because of body reasons. seriously it would look NOT GOOD if I wear those clothes I want to wear.

I should stop ranting about weight and body things right now because it's irritating.

song playing: IU's 좋은 날>

I love this song. it's like BoA's Moon and Sunrise and >하루하루: happy music/tunes, sad lyrics. the song seriously hit home once I go to know the lyrics translations.

okay bye haha. I'll blog again once I get some good story to tell haha.

2011-04-09T12:01:00.002+08:00

song playing: Big Bang's Stupid Liar

I'm in love with the new tracks. :""> as in, I love them more than Tonight. :D

so, hi. =))
hm. what to write about? haha I dunno.
that previous post still stands, I guess.
I still don't know what to do with my life.
I'm still doing things halfheartedly. I feel like a lot of emotion in my life is gone and I don't know where they went.
maybe I'm not watching enough movies? or enough series? I dunno.
or maybe I'm just not getting enough life.

I should probably do something about this. I'm not even fangirling the right way anymore. =)) I think.
but what? I don't even know what the problem is. so how do I solve it?

song playing: JYJ's Ayyy Girl ft. Kanye West and Malik Yusef

bye. =)))))

2011-04-07T08:55:00.001+08:00

can I please go ahead and drop out of UP Diliman and figure out what I want to do with my life before enrolling in another college? because right now, I feel like I'm not doing anything right.

2011-04-04T13:57:00.002+08:00

song playing: T-ara's Bo Peep Bo Peep

I've been watching Dream High and He's Beautiful - actually I'm done watching Dream High, just not yet with He's Beautiful - and they made men realize something. again.

I have absolutely no idea about what I want. and for me to realize that just sucks.

I was so sure that i want to be a fashion designer, but now I don't know anymore.
maybe it's because the dramas are about singing and shiz that I slowly think of wanting to be a singer. I dunno.
singing has always been this taboo dream for me. I never really mention it out loud because, come on, it's one of the most unrealistic things in life for someone like me.

so yah, right now I'm back to square one.
I honestly don't know what I'm living for. and it's not really a good feeling. it's actually a really bad feeling. I'm always doing things halfheartedly. my emotions are starting to bail out on me, meaning if this keeps up, I'm going to graduate college without any kind of feelings whatsoever. I've become this apathetic person who doesn't know what she wants for her life. this really sucks because the more I feel this, the more I feel the need to just drop everything and go somewhere far. and that won't work because well, I don't really have any money. and no, I'm not even joking.

I really envy those people who do everything with such passion. I don't even do anything with any emotion anymore.
TOP lost all the weight he lost when he was high school because he wanted to be an artist, a rapper in YGE.
and here I am thinking, why am I losing weight? because it's my eighteenth? is that enough of a reason? I don't know. what do I want in life? I don't know.

I seriously feel like I'm losing all my emotions. I even think I'm laughing halfheartedly.
it's like, I want to do a lot of things, but I don't know why. I don't know what's in it for me. I learn something new? I gain new experience? I don't feel that. why do I want to do it? I don't know. I'm not even picking up my pencil to design anymore.

what's happening to me? when did I get broken like this?

I seriously need to get away. away from all the things that made me like this. which is basically everything.
I need to find myself.

2011-03-14T16:39:00.002+08:00

this morning, I was laughing. I was preparing myself for watching a PE req, an exam, and a shooting. but it seemed that I was actually preparing myself for something much worse.

I found out that one of my friends had... yah. I still can't bring myself to say that word - or any other word or synonym of it, to be honest.

time literally stopped; I didn't know what to do.

I sat in my room for thirty minutes. just breathing. I think.

and then with a text, I got myself together and went to UP.

since 9AM until 3PM, I cried, I got it almost together, I teared up. we all did. we still couldn't believe what was happening.

we were hoping it was all a joke; that she'd magically appear right in front of us, laugh her signature laugh, say "JOKE!!!" in her own unique way. and we'd all just be happy and go on. but that didn't happen.

it's strange how someone important to you can just be... yah.

but what was amazing to me was what I saw after I left PHAn.

everyone else was out and about, doing their own thing.

I was amazed because time had literally stopped for me and I didn't know what was going on. but for everyone else, they're simply living their lives.

and now that I think about it: maybe one time someone was feeling what I'm feeling now and I would be one of the random people they see living their life.

it's amazing because for the first time, I saw how life was continuing even though time has stopped for you.

life still goes on.

right now, for me, I still can't comprehend everything that's happening. I'm still pretty much confused.

but one day, pretty soon, life will go back to the way it is. I think.

I miss you and I love you forever. I know you're happy. and your family is happy with you. I will never forget you. even if forgetting is a natural feature of the brain. *tight hug*

2011-03-13T19:30:00.002+08:00

I keep remembering all of the things I want in my life. all my dreams. :|

well, yah of course it's essential in a way for me to remember them so I can make all of them come true. gah I'm just so tired. and I'm not even doing anything. =((

I just want this semester to end already.

I'm gonna get bad grades after all. I know it, okay. haha.

song playing: Sara Bareilles' Uncharted

I need to get a hold of my life already. I just feel so weird. :|

okay, why don't I just start NOW? I mean, there's no better time to start, right?

I don't know. I honestly do not know.

there is a post-it LITERALLY FULL of UNCHECKED things to do which I need to do hopefully by the end of this week. well, for the ones I need by this week, duh.

I have my laptop with me for this week (OMG YAYYYYYY!!!!) so hopefully I can do some things. I honestly cannot do anything in our PC. haha I don't know why. the room where our PC is just looks so gloomy and my room is so bright even in the night (the walls are yellow, in case you're wondering :)) )

so yah. I have to finish a lot of things by this week. and I plan on doing ALL of them. :) and once the sem ends, I can focus on me, myself, I, Math 100, and PE2 for summer. =))

my life.

my dreams.

everything i want in my life.

well, not everything; I'd get too confused.

just one step at a time. :)

song playing: Sara Bareilles' King of Anything

hee hee I love this song. :)

ja~ :*

2011-03-11T20:04:00.002+08:00

I feel so weird that this loss of mood of mine is not showing any sign of disappearing any time soon. I feel like shit.

when someone "proposes" to me, I want it to be in a really nice place, doesn't matter where. but I want it to be filled with tons of blue roses. and sunflowers. actually just blue roses since I know they are impossible to find. but for that guy to take me to a place with tons of blue roses, it would mean he actually took the time to paint white roses blue, or at least ask a lot of people to paint tons of white roses blue. and he actually took the time to find some way to bring those tons of blue roses to a very beautiful place which he took time to find. and he would be the sweetest person in the world if he did that.

but yah, no one would ACTUALLY go out of his way to find a beautiful place, buy tons of roses, ask people to paint them blue (or just paint them blue himself), put the painted roses in the beautiful place, take me there and "propose". okay as if that would actually happen.

I'm sorry I'm just in a really bad mood and I don't even know why. I just actually feel like shit, like I said. I just feel so random, I actually want to sleep right now but I can't because my mom has guests over here and of course she can't entertain them alone; I mean someone would have to wash dishes and shiz so that's what I'm here for. I just have to wait for her to call my name and would be right over.

anyway. I don't even know why I freaking wrote what I wrote there; about the blur roses. I just think it would be so romantic if someone would do that for me. since no one actually does something special for me. haha. I mean seriously. no one. okay I'm just complaining about my pathetic life. I'm sorry.

I know how everyone's all about the tsunami in Japan and right now, somewhere in the Philippines. but unfortunately my mood came way before i found out about the unfortunate event. so my mood wins the battle. okay. anyway.

okay. bye. ja.

2011-03-04T20:32:00.002+08:00

song playing: T-ara's Falling U

I suddenly realized I never put titles anymore haha! I've always sucked at supplying titles for ANY of my writings. =))

so, today, we had another one of those usual awesome English 1 discussions. this time, it was about Definition. and the example Sir Galang thought of for the class was, "How do you define a Filipino?"
and there went all the stuff about Filipinos and being Filipino, etc.
that's when I realized something (and yes, I realize a lot of things about myself inside the four walls of CAL312 every WF 8:30-10 AM).

I realized the reason why I'm not yet dropping from all of my subjects. because, like I said before, if I had any choice I would drop from UP altogether and just beg my mom to but me lots of fashion books, a sewing machine, and everything else I would need.
I think it's because I still want to do something and get the Philippines back on track (if it ever was on track, which I knew it was) and just help it stop being a third world country. in short, help it grow and develop, in a way. and I know that one of the ways to do it is to invest in myself to have a good educational background and one day, use my knowledge to help it. in any way I can. because I know in my heart I'm not fit for any kind of office work. but maybe, in my own crazy way I can help.
because I'm sick and tired of a government who doesn't have enough courage to, just for once, really work for the REAL citizens of the country. a government who just can't stop satisfying their own personal whims when there are millions of people they pass by everyday who can't even eat three times a day and children can't even experience a proper education. a government who doesn't have the courage to tell the Catholic Church that the matters of the state are different from the matters of the church and the church should not deal with the matters of the state. yes, they can state their opinions on the matter (everyone has the right), but not to the point that they actually threat the government on whatever just for them to stay in power. I'm sorry, who made the priests President? certainly not me (and not just because I'm not yet 18).
and I'm also tired of those millions of people who just hope on a better tomorrow and just wouldn't start working hard to get themselves out of the poverty hole they are in. I mean, seriously, I know Filipinos are VERY OPTIMISTIC, which is good, but to the point that they just trust on lotto or jueteng or whatever means just to have money. or worse: just sit and watch TV everyday and hope for a miracle. I know, I don't have the right to judge like that, but come on, when ABS-CBN or GMA insists that a lot of people watch their pointless melodramatic telenovelas, who do they seek for commentaries? it's those people who live in "slums" (for lack of a better word) who manage to have a TV set of their own and go out of their way every single night to watch whatever telenovela is on. seriously, why don't they make a TV series that's more sensible to watch? the people are getting less and less intellectual because they're not using their brains to their full capacity when watching these kinds of shows.

of course I got lots of the information from Sir Galang today. but what he said, all of those things, made me really realize that, yes, I can just stop caring about the Philippines like most people and just care about my future. but I honestly want to see the Philippines rise from this - excuse my language - shit hole it's in right now.
you know what I honestly want to see? I want to see every single child from 6 to 17 or 18 years old, waking up early in the morning, taking a bath, putting on a school uniform, having breakfast, and going to a school wherein there are enough classrooms so that each classroom doesn't have 70 students crammed inside, school books which have CORRECT information, and teachers who actually graduated a degree in education and know what the hell they're talking about to these innocent young minds. in short, I want every child to experience the kind of primary and secondary education that I had. because I know that I got one of the best primary and secondary educations in the Philippines. because, in REAL knowledge, a person can have a broader and deeper mind that can actually think, and they would know what the hell this country needs. if not for the benefit of the country as a whole, then at least for their own benefit; we're all entitled to have dreams for ourselves. but only those who are educated enough, in this world today, can make those dreams a reality. they don't really have to go all the way and graduate college or get an MA or PhD, although that would be highly recommended, they just have to have the brain and mind that they need to survive in this world. and with the education of the youth, everything else follows. that's what the government needs to invest on; not on infrastructures or whatever. it's EDUCATION. AND HEALTH. of course THAT SHOULD BE A GIVEN.

okay, I'm sorry if I didn't make any sense since I just kept on typing, but that's really where my brain is right now: that sudden realization. if it wasn't there I would've forgotten all the things Sir Galang said this morning and wouldn't even write a blog post about it.
if anyone ever reads this blog and doesn't really agree to whatever I've been saying, then it's okay. i don't need to convince everyone that my opinion is correct. it's just an opinion after all and like I said, everyone's entitled to it. just don't use your power to shove your opinion down everyone's throat. :D

so, yah, that's it haha! my sudden epiphany in English 1 this morning. :)

song playing: Mike Posner's Bow Chicka Wow Wow

oh yeah! I ALSO WANT THE PHILIPPINES TO HAVE DECENT ARTISTS AND SINGERS WHO WOULD ACTUALLY CREATE THEIR OWN MUSIC AND ACTUALLY STOP ALL THOSE STUPID REMAKES BECAUSE I AM SICK AND TIRED OF THEM. I NEED REAL OPM PLEASE. before I lose all hope in it.

ja! :D

2011-03-02T18:22:00.002+08:00

song playing: Mike Posner's Cheated

ugh this weekend was emotionally freaky. I think all my problems in life suddenly appeared before me like a torrent this weekend. my problems on studying, procrastinating, losing weight, planning for my eighteenth, being a good student... it all just made my cry a lot of times this past weekend. and the saddest part which just made me more frustrated was that I was the cause of all those problems. they weren't caused by some external supernatural force, but me.

I think that's the real problem with me. and that's what I need to change.

I told myself that in college, I'll definitely change my ways for the better. now, it's almost the end of the second semester, and I'm screwing up, big time.

I'm not really the type to get motivated by anything, but this weekend was such a shit weekend that it just forces you to open your eyes and look at all your all so obvious mistakes. well, for me, at least. I'm sure a lot of people had awesome weekends.

well, now, I'm going to try really hard to change. I really want to change because I think that if i don't change now, this shit of a life of mine won't change until a very, very long time.

that's all. ja. until something awesome happens. :)

2011-02-09T15:57:00.003+08:00

song playing: IU's 이게 아닌데

hello. :)
so, before I review for my Geog1 exam tomorrow, I just have to let this out. I never exactly, concretely knew what I wanted in life until today so, please bear with me. and I'm pretty sure no one reads this blog anyway so. yah.

today was one of those ordinary awesome English1 class with Sir Galang. yes, I took Arnel Francis Galang Jr.'s English class, any problem? anyway, I hope he gets to read this because I'm always quiet in class so just so he knows that I really hear and listen to everything he says.

he was discussing Causal Analysis and to explain it, he asked us a simple question: "Why are you here?" so, he made it broader with "Why are you in UP?" he gave a few answers like because our parents want us to be here and because we ourselves want to be here. and another answer came up: we simply did not know. I raised my hand when he said the third 'choice'. guessing by his tone when he called me (since I wasn't looking at my classmates) I was the only one who raised my hand. and so I just briefly explained what I wanted in life: be a Fashion Designer.

anyways, some time after that, he used his own life story to explain Causal Analysis. he just told about his life after high school until today. and maybe that's just when it hit me. well, it (whatever it is) hit me a long time ago but I just think today was different.

I don't know how to really explain it since right now I am literally running out of words and my mind's going blank, but... ugh I don't know.

I need to get out more. in fact, I just really need to get out of here. UP is not a new world for me unlike all those other people who have never seen activists before (just so you know, it's actually in my blood). I have lived and breathed in UP for more than eleven years now. honestly I don't even know why people think UP is such a sacred place; why passing the UPCAT is worth a lot. I didn't even jump for joy when I heard I passed. I'm sorry but that's just how I feel and I'm entitled to my own feelings and opinions. maybe it's because I've been in UP for such a long time that I don't see anything new with it. I suddenly felt sorry again to the person whose slot I took away. someone else should be in BA Psychology, not me. then maybe I would be somewhere living my life, getting robbed or bankrupt or whatever. but no. aside from the fact that I passed UP, all my older siblings and cousins are in UP, I am also the only one in our family (including the extended family: titos, titas, cousins, nieces and nephews etc etc) who graduated in UPIS. see the pressure? haha. it's so funny. I care more about what other people think than what I think. that's why I wrote BA Psychology in my first choice and not BS Clothing Technology.

I'm really an honest person to other people; but I'm not that honest to myself. I honestly just want to drop from UP and ask my parents to buy me lots of fashion books and a sewing machine and fabrics and everything else (and a driving lesson plus gym on the side) but I can't. we can't afford it. my sister's studying Medicine in UPCM and my parents are still having problems with uprooting my brother from UPLB. how can I come in and ask my mom if I can stop studying in university when I'm supposed to be the most near-decent one of us? I'm the one who goes to school everyday and gets above average grades and works hard to please everyone who cares.

I'm really running out of words since everything else is abstract so right now that's what I've got.

during my advising just a few hours ago, I said i wanted to take Math 100 in the summer and another GE if possible. my adviser, Ma'am Cantiller suddenly asked me, "Nagmamadali ka ba?"
outside I just laughed but inside I said, "Yes. I want to get out of here as soon as possible."

song playing: Bruno Mars' "Just the Way You Are"

I really want to get out of UP as soon as possible. only then would I have any real change in my life.
ja.
until I have another story to tell. or if i have anything else to rant about. or whatever. next time.

2011-01-06T22:52:00.002+08:00

song playing: GD&TOP's 집에 가지마

my post summing up 2010 isn't finished yet. but I just had to let this out:

I WILL NEVER MISS ANOTHER CLASS IN MY LIFE. EVER. NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS. I DON'T CARE IF IT'S "JUST A G.E", I WILL NOT MISS ANOTHER CLASS.

KILL ME NOW. FML. SHIT.

2011-01-01T19:55:00.003+08:00

새해복 많이 받으세요!!

Happy New Year everyone! :)

yay I missed blogging.. :D

hm... well this is the time I look back at 2010 and just realize how awesome it was. :D

i. HIGH SCHOOL

I cannot believe this just happened this April.

HIGH SCHOOL ENDED.

I graduated.

how amazing is that? :))

after eleven - count that, ELEVEN - years in UPIS, all (well, almost :|) of UPIS batch 2010 gathered in the UP Film Center for the graduation rites.

\m/

well, life goes on and I'm just happy I survived everything. :)

thanks for all the lessons and awesome memories UPIS. :*

ii. COLLEGE

it still feels so surreal. I'm already in college.

not that I don't want time to move or anything.

it just seems so fast. :))

oh well, life won't wait for you to get ready anyways. :)

plus you wouldn't know if you're really ready until the thing you're getting ready for is right in front of you. :)

and I never really went far away from home anyways..

UP DILIMAN. Bachelor of Arts in Psychology. Student Number 2010-*****. :))

iii. PSYCHSOC

I never really planned on joining any organization during my stay in UPD.

but due to some new friends (FROM BLOCK 3 WHICH ROCKS BY THE WAY) and a bit of riding the wave, I got myself in this situation wherein I became an applicant of the UP Psychology Society. :))

and so, since I got myself in the situation, I might as well do it. I didn't have anything better to do with my life at that time so.. yeah. :))

and now, I'm a full-fledged member. :)) funny how life is. :))

iv. SoBPH

I became a member, then a staff, all in *counts* less than five months! =))

I joined the forums in April, and I became a staff in I think July or August. :))

and now I am an audience in their show. :| a lot of issues and shiz. it's just too irritating.

and I'm not even required to think about them. but I have to because I'm part of the team.

and the worst part is that their issues aren't even related to SoBPH activities! =)))

I just laugh it off with ate Lara. :))

and of course, it's all for BoA, so... :)

so now, thinking about everything that happened last year, I can say it was okay. :)
I mean, it wasn't the most epic year I've had but still, it was decent. =))

so now, for 2011, I plan to change a whole lot about me, since what's been keeping me from everything is the whole lot about me that needs to change. :D
I don't really want to say a whole lot right now but I have everything in my mind. all that's left is the action part of it. HAHA!

so, after one month delay of this post, happy new year everyone!
I hope everyone sticks to their resolutions HAHA! and have an awesome 2011. :*

2010-12-28T22:48:00.002+08:00

hello.

I shall be back next year. (meaning in a few days HAHA!)

I'm just collecting a few pieces. :)

but I'm fine. :)

HAPPY HOLIDAYS GUYS! :D

eew I'm a loser I know it's a late greeting HAHA.

2010-11-08T00:59:00.002+08:00

someone please stop me from this insanity because there can be no way that this will happen to me so please please stop me before I can no longer stop myself.

I'll end up hurting myself again. damn.

SEMBREAK!!!

2010-10-13T10:01:00.002+08:00

song playing: Big Bang's 하루하루

I'm sorry! I fell in love with Big Bang once again... actually with just TOP. :"""""">
I was watching IRIS (actually, I'm done watching it!!!) and as you all know, TOP is one of the characters...
and okay, you have GOT to admit:
TOP + THOSE EYES + A GUN + HIM KILLING PEOPLE = ♥ no matter how wrong killing people may seem.
anyways, I've always been in love with him (IN A WEIRD FANGIRL WAY) since before but it just resurfaced now... :)))
because the only artist whose Japanese activities I follow is BoA's and so ever since they (or any other artist) went to Japan to promote, I never actually got the will to follow them... so now that I've watched IRIS, HAHA! I fell in love again. :))))
and now I'm downloading every KOREAN release Big Bang has had. :D

ANYWAYS!!!

SEM BREAK!!! YAY!!!
it's my sem break already!!
and what's my goal for this sem break?
to watch a LOT of movies and series. =))
I'm downloading movies now and I'm halfway through RIVALS so I should be good. :D

Denise and April listed down *counts* 23 movies I should watch to become a, as I quote Denise, "a full-fledged girl of this era". =))))
so, duh! I'ma be watching those movies... :)))
except during CULMI of course. :D
but anyways... unless an important event comes my way, I'll be at home, busy watching movies. :D

I actually wanted my goal this sembreak to be: lose weight... :))) but I decided to stop eating rice as of this morning since there's bread and sweet potatoes. :D so that'll be my way to do that...
plus I'll be helping out with chores if I'm not watching... :D so that'll help. :))))

but as of this sem break, my goal is to become a full-fledged girl of this era... =))))))
so later, I'll be looking for the movies (and more) Denise and April have listed down in the many DVDs my mom has already bought... so if it's not there I'll either buy the DVDs or download them.. :D
and btw, it's not just those 23 movies I'll be watching... there's also about 10+ Korean movies in line with those 23 movies and those Korean movies are the ones I'm downloading right now. :D

plus there's Glee and Hellcats.
and I have to update all my music. =)))))))
this is gonna be a hectic sem break for my pc. =))))))

song playing: Big Bang's OH MY FRIEND

ja! until I have another story to tell.. :*
p.s, TOP is ♥♥♥

a look back at August

2010-09-01T17:49:00.002+08:00

song playing: BoA's My Prayer

haha, no, I didn't intend to write while having such a ballad for background music. :))

I was at AVE (Aklatang Virgilio Enriquez: the library at PHAn), when I decided to look at my planner. as in, I just wanted to see what I would be doing for this month.

and I saw almost nothing. HAHA! I mean, of course there's something written there - things I'm supposed to do, but it was emptier than how I was used to looking at my planner.

then I decided to look at what my planner looks like during August. and I found out why I found the September part awkward: August was FULL. and when I say full, I mean FULL. there's something written in almost every single day. some are checked, some are erased, some are written with back or blue or purple pens, some in highlighter (BoA related :D). what I mean is just that it's full. that's why I found everyday sooooooooooooooooo stressing!

and now, for the first day of September, I realized how much I had to do for August; may it be for PsychSoc, for acads, or for something else.

there's really good and bad parts about having a planner. let me just enumerate.

GOOD:

you have a basis for what you need to do. it's not just in your head because you might forget it. if, for example, you set a day out with your friends in two weeks, you'll most likely forget it in one week. that's the purpose of the planner: so you won't forget previous engagements. and yes, I have found it very helpful because I can see if I can be with this group for this day or not because I already promised something with that group. that kinda stuff.

it's also a good diary-ish. it keeps track of where you've been so when you look back, you can remember the happenings of the day. :)

BAD-ish:

your planner can take over your life. like what it's doing with mine! =))

every time my friends ask if I'm available on this date, I always have to consult with my planner first. I can't say yes to everything if my planner doesn't say yes to it as well (meaning I already have something to do that day).

I wrote -ish because it's not really that bad; although some of my friends kinda pity me... HAHAHA!!! it's absolutely fine! it's better than promising to be in two places at the same time when you obviously can't; and then you end up hurting friends or family.

VERDICT: your planner can help you! :)) it's really helped me out a LOT these days; especially for July-August. when I was in high school I didn't really need a planner because one, my class schedule was already fixed; two, I only had one group of friends (i.e UPIS OWTEN) so no conflict involved; three, it wasn't as stressful as now. and then at the start of college I said to myself, I need a planner. and thank goodness I got one. I don't know how I'm actually living right now without it. :P

I actually got a traumatic event with a planner-ish during 2nd sem, grade 10.

my Math notebook had two parts: the Math notes part, and the to do list part. the first half had my Math notes, and the second half had everything I needed to do: from homeworks to projects to etc. stuff. and I basically depended on it during 2nd sem and I got to do most, if not all, my homeworks because of it.

and then sometime in January or February, I lost it. just like that. and I basically did NOT know what to do. I felt crippled, to be honest. and then I just stopped doing anything. I stopped copying Math notes (since it was my Math notebook), and I stopped doing homeworks, especially in Math. I got to do other stuff too but I only did it on the day of submission when my classmates would remind me.

so that's why I promised myself I'd get a planner for college. I don't want that to happen again... :D

so here I am. :D

anyway, I 'll go now. :D

I have to think of stuff for SoBPH plus tomorrow I'll be starting taking shots for GUTSY. :)

song playing: BoA's Etude

ja!! :* :*

2010-08-29T11:01:00.002+08:00

song playing: BoA's WOO WEEKEND

HAHA hello!!! :D :D

er.. I promised to post yesterday but... HAHA!!

well, the Wednesday that had just passed, August 25, was BoA's 10th anniversary since her debut! YAY!!

so maybe it'll be right if I posted something about BoA... :D

okay! :)

I first heard about BoA when I was watching Arirang TV. that was September of 2003. :)

I was waiting for the sitcom New Nonstop to air but instead it was Pops in Seoul airing. well, okay, I thought. and then, Atlantis Princess played. I forgot which songs played that day too but Atlantis Princess was the only one I could remember. haha... anyway, I fell completely in love with the song and that actually made me want to watch Arirang TV more and more... I kind of stalked Arirang TV (HAHA!!) just to see if they'll play Atlantis Princess again. as in, I waited for it to play...

well, in the process of waiting for Atlantis Princess to play, I heard a lot more Korean songs, I watched more Korean shows, and I learned more about the Korean culture. I found out about ShinHwa, SES, about Korean movies and actors, and other things about Korea. I also got to watch SFAA Fashion Shows, which I thought were just amazing...

I got to experience all of that, just waiting for one song to play. haha... I was so fascinated by everything I was watching that sometimes I just caught myself actually watching Arirang TV everyday.

just waiting for that single song to play made me want to go to South Korea, to live there, to meet people from there... just waiting for that one song to play made me want to become a fashion designer. I got to watch Korean fashion shows, Korean shows, Korean movies, because I was waiting for Atlantis Princess. it's so cool what that one song did to me...

and then I got to hear more songs from her. I got to watch BoA's performances, hear more songs from her. I thought she was just amazing. then I got to watch her winning Favorite Artist Korea and her performance of Rock With You at the 2004 MTV Asia Awards.

and then I don't remember anymore. all I remember is that I searched about BoA on the internet, I listened to her songs whenever I'm happy or sad or feeling like I just wanna die and rot in a corner...

that's why I say that BoA consistently, without fail, continues to save my life. because there's always a half of the story I can't tell to anyone because they wouldn't understand it. and whenever I feel that other half of the story, her songs understand me. BoA won't turn her back on me. with her songs, she understands.

and she also releases such amazing songs to just listen to whenever you're not doing anything. her music's diverse like that.

that's why even after seven years of loving her music, I don't get tired. aside from the fact that I love her music, she's also a true person that has gone through things greater than any of us can ever imagine. she's one of those few people we can truly call a role model; a true idol.

she continues to be my inspiration and will continue to be even after she stops making music; if that will ever happen. she makes me want to become a better person and that's what I'm tying to do right now. I'm slowly trying to be someone better so that if and when I finally meet her, I can tell her with pride that I've changed myself and that she's the inspiration for me changing.

I thought BoA's ballads had the greatest effect on me. but I was wrong.

that feel-good, happy song that was Atlantis Princess made me cry the most tears, just last August 26 when I suddenly heard it.

because it was the first Korean song I heard. because the lyrics spoke about me.

it was about trying to find those forgotten childhood dreams. it was about me.

10 junyeoneul chukhahamnida BoA onni!

sorry if I didn't make any sense. you're like that when you love someone too much. :)

saranghae yeongwonhi!

ja~ :*

2010-08-27T22:01:00.002+08:00

song playing: BoA's MEGA STEP

I WILL UPDATE WITH A POST TOMORROW.=)))))))))))))

I'M NOT IN THE MOOD RIGHT NOW... HAHAHAHA!

ANYWAYS. JUST WANTED TO SAY. :D

WAIT FOR MY POST TOMORROW! THANK YOU!

OH... AND...

HAPPY TENTH ANNIVERSARY SINCE DEBUT TO BoA!!!

THANK YOU FOR THE TEN YEARS OF AWESOME AND AMAZING MUSIC!

I HOPE YOU CONTINUE MAKING MUSIC FOR DECADES TO COME. :)

SARANGHAE!

song playing: BoA's Eien

2010-08-11T19:13:00.006+08:00

song playing: BoA's GAME

YES. BoA's SIXTH KOREAN ALBUM HURRICANE VENUS is out. YEA!!! \m/

actually, it's been out for six days now. :D :D

I love the entire album!! especially the songs "한별 (Implode)" and "Don't Know What to Say".. they're ballads, go figure. :P

song playing: BoA's HURRICANE VENUS

that's the title song..:P just wanted to state. :D

anyways, why am I writing a blog post?? well, it has been a while since my last blog post; and that was a pretty loser blog post as well. :D so I'm gonna write this one to make up for the days I didn't blog.:D

hm... where should I start? okay...

i. RareJob

I PASSED MY TRAINING!!! :D WOO~~

HAHA, I passed with flying colors~~ :)

now I have to submit requirements and stuff before I can start. but right now I don't really have time... plus the scanner's downstairs. =))))))) so I'll just do it tomorrow. :D *writes down on planner*

I mean, I have to start by this month or else.. =))))) I just really want to earn money so I can buy BoA albums and fashion stuff... did you know Fashion books are SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO expensive????? the cheapest is like, Php 600. O_O

ii. UP Psychology Society

SIGS ARE OVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! =)))))))

but of course the app process continues. this week and next week are the BUDDY WEEKS!!! :D

it's the time for me and Buddy to step up our game! :D

I have to make up since I have like, a few sigs. you might think it's a lot but it's not even close!!! I really wanted to get a whole lotta sigs but because it's me, and I'm cracking my shell from the inside, I still have a long way to go. :)

but I'm getting there. slowly though...:P not snail slow, but maybe turtle slow... but the turtle's getting a bit faster.

I think the really hard part will be the interview... because I don't know who will interview me, the VOPS who will be there, and the questions to be asked. I just have to be REALLY ready adn study not only the POPS' basic infos, but also the VOPS' basic infos, the Libequest (which I lost when ate Jaimie borrowed it and I had to go), and the Constitution which will be given by the end of the month.

song playing: BoA's 한별 (Implode)

anyways, I just have to study really hard for it.

the reason why I'm working hard for this is because I don't think I can crack my shell by myself. being in PsychSoc, even just as a BOPS right now, is helping me a lot to be more out there. had I not joined, I would just be going from class to class and being too GC. this is a secret from my parents but I already cut class a lot of times now. and I just stayed in the nook. it's not because of PsychSoc. but I'm just saying that right now, I'm being more of a person than before. I'm not thinking about attending class so as not to waste anyone's money, but to attend class so I can be more of a person, like those people in PsychSoc. they're really motivating me. :)

I want to be more than just who I am right now. that's why I'm working harder than I normally would to be in PsychSoc.

iii. Studies

hm...

I just had my tests on Hapon 10 and Linguistics 1.

my field trip on Art Stud 1 will be this weekend.

I still have to do my reaction paper on Kas 1.

I have a project on Hapon 10.

plus there's Dancing in September for PE.

Math 11's test will be this 21st, and I'm not getting the freaking word problems!!! that has always been my freaking weakness!!! give my x's and y's FINE! but don't give me freaking distance and work problems!!! T_____T

but otherwise, I'm doing okay. =))))))))))))

I just have to study more... I mean, REALLY study more.

iv. MY LIFE.

oh HI! =)))))))))))))))

my life's not really fine. =))))))

I mean, I didn't get to do my July Gameplan. T_________________________T

song playing: BoA's Don't Know What to Say

I mean, I have all these plans for the month but I don't do anything.

so now, I only have like, *counts* seven things to do by the end of the month.

and two investments. :D

and I put deadlines for each. :D so I know that I HAVE to do them. OR ELSE...

or else I won't get to completely clean up my room.

I'm actually irritated with our kasambahay for always cleaning my room in the way I don't want to. :| :|

I want to clean it up for my own. but I'm too lazy. so I have to lose the laziness. NOW. :D

hmmm...

what else to write about??? :)

nothing more...=))))))))))))))))))))

I'll update you guys with stuff next time. :D

and OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

I WON AN ETUDE HOUSE BEAUTY LOOT KIT FROM meg MAGAZINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! \m/

song playing: BoA's Romance

the last song on the album..:D I wrote throughout the entire album! :D

ja~~~~~ :* :* HUUUUUGGG!!!

REFLECTION.

2010-07-20T19:47:00.002+08:00

song playing: KARA's Mister

okay, before I start this reflection, I just need to say something:
I NEED LOTS OF POST-ITS. SO BAD!
it's for a little self-awakening... or a way for me to do my monthly gameplans.:))

anyways.
okay, here's my problem: I don't do what I need to do.
like, whenever I have time, instead of doing what I'm supposed to do, I end up watching TV or something...
(can I just say that it's tough to type using our PC's keyboard.T_T)
that's why I need those post its...:))

I have to really really motivate myself if I want some changes.
like, really really REALLY motivate myself.
I have to see what I'm supposed to do.

I can do this.
I just wanted to write it here on my blog since I need to declare it.:D

song playing: KARA's Wanna

ja~~~:*

2010-06-16T19:23:00.002+08:00

song playing: BoA's No. 1

WISHES

this is what I want to talk about today!:D

my wishes, dreams, aspirations, etc etc.:)

I mean, I've never really wrote it down like this so...

this is in no order whatsoever.:)) anything that just comes to my mind!:))

1. LOSE WEIGHT. okay, too obvious!:))

2. have BoA's ENTIRE discography!:D I Love BoA too much!:)

3. be able to wear a sleeveless top and tube dress.:) I said that!:))

4. have tops of EVERY colour! I've always wanted this and today I understood why.=))

5. have Epik High's ENTIRE discography. including Eternal Mourning.

6. have Tablo's book PIECES OF YOU.

7. become a FASHION DESIGNER and have my OWN CLOTHING LINE. I've wanted this for seven years now.:)

8. own a LOT of make-up!:))

9. play the VIOLIN.

10. have a GIGANTIC TEDDY BEAR I can hug!:D

11. READ a LOT of books!:D

12. have a DSLR camera.:D

13. MEET BoA.

and a LOT MORE!:))

I just can't remember everything!:))

I'll be making a list of that!:))

right now, I'm going to change the daily schedule I set for myself. because I need to focus on FASHION.:)

hm.. I think this is enough right now.:)

song playing: BoA's Shy Love

ja~~:* :*

COMPLEX

2010-06-15T20:22:00.003+08:00

song playing: BoA's Feel Me

COMPLEX

it may mean the set of all numbers in Math, but in Korea, it's the word used to describe anything you might not like about yourself. another word for it is INSECURITIES. but of course, since I have a lot of Korean influences the past seven years, I use COMPLEX.

this is the one thing I don't want to talk about. it's the one topic I keep on avoiding. because I'm too cowardly to look at my complexes. I mean, I know what they are, I'm just afraid to look at it in written words.

but that is the reason why I'm writing this right now. I've been telling myself for the past year that I need to change. but what to change exactly? I've never ever written it down. and maybe that's why I can't find it in my heart to change. because I keep on avoiding those things I need to change. I'm not denying their existence, but I'm also not accepting them as what they are: my complexes.

this is the first time I'm writing this here, and maybe I'll be reading this over and over until I get tired of it, but it will forever serve as a reminder of me. this is a piece of me, and it's something I can't deny. it's a piece of me that I want to change. but before I change it, I need to first see it as a piece of me. do you understand?

1. I have a big face. I mean, I don't hate the fact that it's round-ish, but since I'm overweight/obese, the chin part has too much fat. it has like, a hidden double chin.=))

2. I have big arms. it runs in the family, naturally like that. but it also has, again, excess fat. like, it's not sagging (it's quite firm actually), but you know, it can get smaller.:P

3. duh, I'm fat. I have a large waist. not really large that I can't fit into anything, but larger than normal. like, it's bulging.:)) I'm serious.

4. I have dark underarms. it's because I'm fat. that's what the dermatologist said one time.

so, well, my COMPLEX is basically this: I'm fat. I'm overweight, obese.

I'm five feet three inches and I'm 74 kilos. THERE, I SAID IT! I don't need to deny anything anyway since this post is about my complexes.

but I don't see myself JUST as a big COMPLEX. there are things I LOVE about myself as well.

1. my eyes have this "sparkle", as one of my friends pointed out one time. I love my eyes, I don't deny.

2. my lips. I just like how the lower lip's fuller than the upper.:)

3. my nails are nice.:)) they really are! I may have stumpy fingers but my nails are nice; especially when they're long.:)

4. my hands. because they're the hands that design such beautiful clothes; and they're mine!

5. my skin. I'm so comfortable in my colour. I don't mind being brown; I love it to be honest! my skin may have uneven tones, but I'm proud of being morena because it shows who I am: a Filipina. and I'm not ashamed of any bit of it! so I don't even think about using those whitening stuffs.

I love myself. I respect myself as a human being. I'm not that kind of person who would starve themselves to be like those stick models on runways.

but why do I have complexes?

it's because I know that I can be BETTER than who I am.

what I see in the mirror everyday is not all that I can be.

I know that there's MORE to me than what I am right now.

one of the things I dream about is wearing a sleeveless top and a tube dress. seriously.

a lot of other girls can do that everyday without problems.

but I can't because of my underarms. and I don't want to see myself trying hard to fit into a style that I can't fit into.

just by dreaming like that, I know that I can be better than this.

I love myself and I know that in one way or another, I'm beautiful. I may not be Angelina Jolie or whoever, but I'm beautiful in my own way.

I just know that I can be better.

who I am right now is just a tiny little portion of who I can be.

all I need to do is change.

I'm embracing who I am right now because this is a piece of me. and it will forever be a piece of me.

but I'm going to try my best to be more than this piece.

through changing physically I know that I can change mentally, psychologically, emotionally, and everything else.

by changing, I can gain more pieces of me.

I can complete myself.

I can be BETTER as Leni. as me.

nobody can play the part of me better than myself. so I need to do a good job at it.

I'm going to change now.:)

I'll be more personal with this blog now because this is the only way I can channel out all my emotion. and releasing those emotions I've kept inside of me since forever is the key to me changing.

song playing: BoA's 집착 (Addiction)

ja, until I'm ready to tell you more.:) :*

2010-06-14T19:55:00.002+08:00

song playing: Lily Allen's Fuck You

there's absolutely NO reason why I'm playing that song!!!=))

I'm just listening to albums I just recently dl-ed...:)) and LIly Allen's album just happened to be one of them..:P

I really want to buy albums... I really do...

it's just that I don't have any money...

I know, I'm so pitiful..:))

if I can, I would buy all the albums I like...

BoA albums first of course..:D then Epik High albums, then Girls' Generation albums...

and the rest would be random..:P depending on what albums I like..:D

anyway...

I'm just actually waiting for my nail polish to dry..=))

I mean, I can't sleep yet, right?! so I'm waiting for it to dry by writing this post...:P

I wanted to write in my journal but it's hard to write with wet nails..:))

hm...

what else??

I really need to change my life.

it's freaking irritating.

anyone who would be living my life would think it sucks.

it's true...

sigh...

I hope my nails dry soon...:)

hm...

I won't write any more..:))

the thoughts I have right now are for my journal...:)

song playing: Lily Allen's Chinese

ja~:*

2010-06-12T16:58:00.002+08:00

watching: Kaichou wa Maid-sama!

I just can't get enough of the series to be honest... I love it so much!:)

I mean, it's the kind of things I really like watching so I want to watch it all the time... I think about it a lot too..:P I always can't wait to watch the next episode...:)

or maybe... never mind.

I'm kind of tired writing about my feelings for him...

yesterday...

he opened his arms real wide and wanted to hug me before saying goodbye...

I was supposed to go to his workplace with Eijei but since I live so far from there and it's almost night time, we all decided I should skip it. so I hugged Eijei goodbye...

but when he opened up his arms, I immediately walked away. and said goodbye just like that.

even when it's during times that we chat or something...

when he types *hug* or something, you know, to show the gesture through text, I always *avoid* it...

and yesterday, I just realized why I do that sort of thing: avoiding the *hug*...

I've never touched him before; aside from when I whack his back or shoulder, but that's only happened a few times.

unlike my other guy friends, I don't hug him and get that comfortable.

and I realized, that if I did hug him, I might not know how to let him go...

I mean, of course I can let go after I whack him; my hand hurts too.

but I don't know how to let him go because I've never had to hold him; both literally and figuratively.

so I'm too scared to try and hold him... because I know that he'd expect to let go after two seconds... but I wouldn't know how to do that.

so I just want to avoid it as much as possible.

because even literally or figuratively, I don't think he'd want to hold me.

I want to think that of course, but that's as far as it can get: the corners of my mind. and it won't get out.

I want to tell someone about this, but obviously they won't listen.

plus I think it's tiring them: seeing me like this for four years (almost) already... I don't think they'd want to hear more stories about me and my emotions; unless of course it's when I finally tell him about it... but I don't think any time's the right time for now. he has too much to think about and I don't want my petty actions to bother him. I just want him to be happy...

but anyway...

I'll just have to leave everything as it is right now, don't I?

I don't think I can have courage of any form whatsoever at this moment...

I've never had any courage to do the things I've always wanted to do so...

I'll have to change myself first.

ja~ *huuuuggggg~!!*

I wish I can hug him like that, though....:')

:* :* :D

2010-06-10T22:21:00.002+08:00

no song playing... I'm loading videos.:)

I suddenly found something funny.

I always want to know what's happening with his life. I mean, we're friends - and I thought I'd never live to hear me say or write that - but this is different. I mean, I know what I feel, but I think I'm using the friendship too much of an advantage so I can know what's happening with his life... and me and him aren't even together.=))

I feel like a bad person... I know it's weird!!

anyways.

I just finished reading Nicholas Sparks' novel A Walk to Remember. obviously there were a lot of changes in the movie: the setting of the book was 1958 while they made it more modern in the movie, and there were a lot of changed scenes and all that. but the essence is pretty much the same. I got tears in the corners of my eyes after I finished reading it...

which made me realize this:

my favourite Korean movies are My Sassy Girl and The Classic; I honestly could not pick one over the other they're just both amazing...

my favourite American movie is obviously now A Walk to Remember.

and I unfortunately don't have a favourite Filipino movie yet...

the movies I've watched aren't even close to what I want to watch; I've never even watched the classic movies, but so far I'm sure of that list... I want to watch more Filipino movies so I know which ones I like most...

anyways.

I'm loading the anime Kaichou wa Maid-sama. I watched an episode on Animax and I just found it entertaining and just what kind of theme I wanna watch... so that's what I'm loading...:)

well, I just wanted to tell you that..:)

ja~:*

I'M OLD.:))

2010-06-04T22:53:00.002+08:00

song playing: Timbaland's Morning After Dark ft. SoShy and Nelly Furtado on heavy rotation

this is just a really funny story!!!=))

I just watched MYX and they played Brian's My Girl PV. and I just got all giddy and started saying "Brian!!!! I missed you!!!" =))

I know it's insane!:)) this is the weird part: I suddenly remembered that Brian is one of three of my Korean childhood crushes!:))

I liked him when Fly to the Sky was still around. with him were Lee Minwoo (from Shinhwa) and YoungWoong JaeJoong (DBSK)...:))

and I suddenly realized how old I am as a freaking KPOP fan!=))

because I'm pretty sure those other fans the new fans duh would like Super Junior members, U-KISS members etc etc. but I have celeb crushes on Brian and Lee Minwoo!!!:))

I FEEL SO OLD!=))

I mean, the idol groups I REALLY look up to are H.O.T, ShinHwa, JTL, S.E.S, Fin.K.L, etc etc.

THEY'RE IDOL GROUPS OF THE LATE 90'S!!!

I may have been a fan in 2003 but I know them because:

> I was already a fan when Shinhwa released their 7th album and when they had Battle Shinhwa

> I heard a JTL song before I forgot which song...:P

> I have an S.E.S album, plus when Eugene debuted solo with Windy, I was already a fan

> Lee Hyo Ri was one of the first Korean artists I heard just want 10 minutes!

> I heard H.O.T from somewhere when I was already a fan, plus JTL members were also from H.O.T

there weren't really a lot of idol groups when I first became a fan so the idol groups still reigning were these groups...

I'm pretty sure that the new fans only know the new idol groups and not these legends who are the reasons why the idol groups they like are existent today...:))

just by seeing Brian, I suddenly realized how old I am in being a KPOP fan...:))

I'm like those seniors (in age) who prefer the songs of their time...:))

because now I prefer to listen to Shinhwa and Lee Soo Young than the new idol groups...:))

I remember how I used to wait for KM Music Tank on Arirang TV every week just to see if Lee Soo Young performs (because BoA doesn't really grace the Korean stage much at that time, Music Tank at least)... and if Lee Soo Young would perform I would pull myself closer to the TV screen...

and I always got excited on any news about Shinhwa...:))

I'M OLD!!!!=)))))))

and I like it.:)

because I know that no matter how many new KPOP fans appear and know everything about Girls' Generation, Super Junior or which idols are famous here, I would truly know which artists sang the original version of the songs new idols usually sing on special occasions.

I wouldn't be all like "OMG it's SHINee!"

I would be like "OMG SHINee's singing an H.O.T song they're giving a tribute!!!!" :)

I told you it was on heavy rotation.:)

ja~~~~:*

2010-05-29T23:50:00.002+08:00

I just erased a potential blog post.

I want to take back what I said about XLR8 and Pop Girls.

can you please give them a chance to show them what they have got? I just finally listened to their music and let me say they're quite commendable. their vocals are worthy of praise and I think if given more of the right songs, they can shine. I have been wrong about making comments on them without fully listening to their songs without anything in mind. they deserve the Filipino's support and I think that they just need a break.

this says something about their managements. can you please give them something more of a distinction to the pop overflow in the Phils. with K-Pop? because their looking like copycats which I think you're not intending to do. please give them a distinction of music; so we can say that their music is truly theirs. why not make them involved in the song writing or composing?:)

this says something about the Filipino music industry. can the artists stand the negative comments and them releasing remakes? because I can't. I don't want to see the industry crash and burn before my very eyes. but from the looks of it, that's not far from happening. why can't you make original songs again? why don't you experiment on different genres? why does it always have to be either ballads or rock? can't it be pop? or rnb? or jazz? hiphop? or whatever else? we can do it. we just need perseverance. I commend those artists who tried bossa nova, hiphop and rnb. even if you say the hiphop and rnb songs are "pang-kanto". I personally like them. it's just irritating when they're used the not-so-right way. plus they're not promoted more.

and this goes out to YOU.

Filipinos, let's help our industry.

let's stop freaking bashing XLR8 or Pop Girls or 3AM or whoever else you want to bash.

because nobody is worth of such negative feedback. why can't you just simply give them mature comments about their music? instead of always comparing them to Super Junior or 2NE1 or 2AM.

I personally want to see the day when the industry will once again be in full bloom and Filipinos will ignore the foreign songs.

I want to see OPM songs top the MYX Hit Chart again.

I'm a K-Pop fan. but I also love OPM. I enjoy listening to local music. but I'm not enjoying what's happening to the industry that I stop listening to OPM because of the situation. please release original songs. please.

because a song can be remade over and over, but it's still not as good as when the original singer sings it. likewise, you can remake a song over and over, but it's still not as good as when you release an original song of yours.

let's stop bashing now. I'm tired. and I'm gonna sleep.:)

ja.:)

seventeen forever for 364 days

2010-05-28T01:18:00.002+08:00

song playing: BoA's Everlasting (classical version)

I'm up right now so it's probably better that I write the post now..:))

well, as of one hour and twenty minutes ago, I'm seventeen years old.:))

wow.

the first thing that came to my mind was "isang taon na lang legal na 'ko!!"

which is true. I will be legal in one year...:))

anyways.

hm...

what do I feel right now?

ecstatic?:))

I don't know. I just feel happy I guess...

a lot of things happened since the last time I celebrated my birthday and maybe this birthday just signifies a new start for me.

I've been too engrossed in the longest summer of my life last year because of all the events that it's just so hard to believe that all of that's a year ago...

right now, I just wanna be happy..:)

because I have reasons to be...

one, I have my family right now.

two, I have my friends.

three, there are two singers named BoA and Tablo who are always supporting me with their music.

four, I can start a new life in college.

five... okay, leave it blank..:))

anyways!=))

I'll just leave it as is right now.:)

maybe I'll post later tonight or tomorrow...

you know me...:))

song playing: Lady Antebellum's Need You Now

ja~:*

2010-05-20T20:45:00.002+08:00

song playing: Mandy Moore's Cry

I know this is such an old song..:))

it's just that after I watched A Walk to Remember I think a week ago, I fell in Love with the songs again...

I think the movie's already a favourite of mine...

I already watched it four times this month... I was thinking of watching it again when I realized that I had already watched it that many times..:))

it started when I remembered the song Someday We'll Know which I'm listening to right now... it's actually one of my favourite English songs; along with Kiss Me...

then they played Mandy Moore's It's Gonna Be Love during the graduation ball that I had it on heavy rotation a few days after...

then I decided to dl the movie. and afterwards the soundtrack.

that's why I'm in Love with the songs...

HAHA I just wanted to blog about it since I can't contain it anymore.:))

I don't have a freaking MP3 player so I just have a chance to listen to it while I'm using my laptop...

I need a freaking MP3 player.:((

I mean, I, of all people, do not have an MP3 player!!

when I Love music too much that I can't live a day without it!

I don't have a freaking music player to comfort me when I'm not at home!

anyways...:))

I finished reading the book P.S, I Love You by Cecilia Ahern! yay!

it's such a beautiful novel about Love, about losing a loved one, and about moving on with your Life.

I could somehow relate to it; especially in the Living Life aspect of it.:)

no, I haven't lost a loved one. but the moving forward with life (or trying) is the exact stage I'm in right now so I understand, in a way, what the main character, Holly, has been going through in the book.

it's hard to move on with your life if you just can't seem to find a reason to do so.

and it's hard to find the strength and courage to let go and move on and just live.

but the thing is that everyone has to do it some time in their lives...

maybe I'm in that stage right now.

so I'm really happy I got to read a book about something like that...:)

yep, I started reading again!:))

and no, the reason's not the same as a few months ago.:))

I just want to read right now.

there are a LOT of novels that I really want to read but I unfortunately can't find reasons to do so.

right now I just want to read as much as I can; just before my freshman year starts...

hm...

I don't know what to write now.:))

I'll just end it here I guess...:)

song playing: Mandy Moore's It's Gonna Be Love

told you I'm in love with the songs...:)

ja~~~:D :* >:D<

2010-05-19T21:08:00.003+08:00

I started becoming too apathetic when I finally saw myself too concerned about the lives of the people I love that I seemed to have neglected my own. I grew too tired of being concerned with their lives that I started to form this shell around me that I grew accustomed to. it was a shell wherein I was concerned for what happened in my life, finally, that I started to almost not care about everything else.

I'm sorry if I'm too apathetic for everyone because I just grew tired of always concerning myself with other people's lives. what hurts the most is that nothing ever came out good of me being sympathetic with everyone else. that's when I just started to really become apathetic.

I started not to care when I realized that I cared too much. and right now I can't find the correct balance just yet.

so can you wait until I become human again?

2010-05-18T20:10:00.002+08:00

song playng: Miranda Cosgrove's Kissing U

I fell in love with the song the moment I heard it.:)

actually, I'm falling in love with such songs right now... just... feel-good songs...

when I started listening to US songs again ever since Filipinos went gaga over those new Korean idol groups and I felt they might feel that I'm just like them and blah blah blah I just listened to it a lot and well, they've all just been releasing these kinds of songs so I really feel at ease with these songs. plus these are the kinds of songs I'm really comfortable listening to; just in the Korean language... it's nice to listen to songs I understand completely for a change. when it's with Korean songs I only understand a few lines. but with US songs, I understand every word...

ofcourse I haven't converted back to the way I was pre-BoA. I just enjoy listening to American songs again...

listening to Filipino songs is a different matter altogether.

maybe that'll be the topic of my post today.:)

XLR8. Pop Girls. are there any more? I dunno...

I've only heard them from some place. and so far, I've only heard the song You're So Hot (or something like that) by XLR8...

people call them rip-offs of Korean idol groups...

XLR8's album cover is even the same as Super Junior's SORRY, SORRY ver.C cover.

there have already been antis all over the net and they even made fan pages on Facebook already. I became a fan of some but I decided to leave the fan pages.

in the seven years of Korean madness I've learned that nothing ever comes out good of being an anti. you can say that I'm an anti-anti.:))
I've read things about what antis can do and I don't really like what they do to celebrities. read up on it if you wanna know. but I'm warning you.

I guess I'll just be giving out my two cents worth to the 'issue'.

honestly, what others are saying are quite true.

the reason why those groups were formed is because the idea of idol groups - or boy/girl bands if you wish to call them so - is just so popular here in the Philippines nowadays that those producer peoples are doing it. they're scouting 'talents' and 'training' them to be 'idol groups'.

with the rising popularity of Korean idol groups like U-KISS, SS501, Wonder Girls, 4minute, and 2NE1 did I miss anyone?, the producer peoples thought it was a splendid idea to ride the wave. the only problem was they not only copied the concept, but the looks and the music and the image as well. who wouldn't notice that it was copied? I only heard there was a new 'idol group' and I immediately thought it was because of the wave. the thing is, the industry isn't very used to experimenting with new styles because there are only two types of music that are certified hits here in the country: those songs that artists like Zsa Zsa Padilla, Jaya, Gary Valenciano, and Regine Velasquez make (so you get the idea of the type of music right?); and the type of music that Chicosci, Sandwich, and Urbandub make (so you get the idea too?)... and trying to make "PPOP" happen the funniest thing I've ever heard to be honest is as impossible as making pigs naturally fly (and that's pretty impossible). well, it can happen... only if they're really dedicated into making it happen... like not stopping the projects of those groups even after the wave dies out here, and actually coming up with something original... that PPOP they're trying to make happen is under the three letters we will always come home to: OPM. Original Pinoy Music. the music under those three words these days may not be as original as before, considering all the influences from other countries, but what makes it OPM is the fact that Filipinos write the songs, compose the songs, and the songs sound original and not some copy of another song. I don't want to use rip-off because it sounds too harsh though it's most appropriate...

I guess what I'm trying to say is that nobody, not even Filipinos, will fully gain respect of the local music industry again if it continues to be this way. I know it's hard to make music (believe it or not I write songs myself though not as good as I want them to be; I'm still young) but we should do everything we can to make music. it may be not as good as the past songs, but at least they're original. let's stop doing complete copies of songs, doing renditions of foreign songs, and doing renditions of past OPM songs (or at least do it in moderation), and start making our own music again. I'm personally sick of listening to a local singer singing an acoustic version of a Lady Gaga song or Sarah Geronimo releasing another rendition of a past OPM song. that's why I only listen to local bands anymore: they make their own music. why can't it be that way again? are they scared it won't be a hit? well, if you were really serious about making music and not just making money, you won't really care if it becomes a hit or not. as long as you made music you want it's okay for you. I'm sure that someone out there will find you're music beautiful and will buy your record. well if you do that, you'll gain one more fan I'm sure.

please, let's just make REAL original Pinoy music. I'm personally sick and tired of what's happening in the local industry right now. I know I haven't expounded on my emotions well since I'm not very good in that department, but I guess I got the message across... I just hope it was understood.

I love the Philippines and it's local music, but I just don't like what's becoming of the industry. I hope that you understand. I'm just concerned for the future of OPM; in this case, if there is...

so I guess that's it... I'm not really that positive that someone will read this but oh well...:)

I'm used to it...:)

song playing: none really... I wrote my way through Miranda Cosgrove's entire album and I don't want to put another song just yet... my post is almost finished!:))

ja~:*

no title.:)

2010-05-17T19:44:00.002+08:00

song playing: Lee Hyo Ri's I'm Back

hello!

a just finished fixing up this blog right here..:)

I'm happy with how it is so...:)

everyone has a tumblr account now...

it's kinda like a blog but it's kinda more of posting pictures and all that...

I'd actually rather maintain this blog than start a tumblr...

I've had this blog for five years now and this is what's seen my extreme mood swings and unbelievable breakdowns so I'm going to stick with this.

rather than starting a hundred more accounts I won't be able to maintain.

I'm actually glad I get to write here whenever chance I get.

anyways.

I just deleted my Friendster and MySpace accounts since I'm not doing anything with them anymore.

they're just there...

so I just decided to delete them...

I can't delete my Multiply account since I have too many things there like LOTS of pictures and videos.

and ofcourse, I use my Facebook like, everyday.

and Formspring... I find it somehow entertaining sometimes... haha.. not a lot of people really ask me questions and all that but it's still nice to get questions sometimes... especially when I get all hyped up and write a long reply...:))

maybe when I stumble upon another account of mine that I don't really use anymore, I'll delete it.:)

anyways...

hm...

I'm just doing random things lately..

reading a book, writing in my "journal"...

HAHA! I have a blog and a diary!:))

I write here when I'm surfing the net and feel like I wanna write something. especially when it's a sort of announcement or something like that...

I write in my "journal" when I make plans; especially plans about my life. all the detailed game plans are there..:))

right here I just give overviews...

hm...

what else should I write about?:))

well, nothing much is really happening in my life right now.

I'm just trying to do everything that's on my May gameplan and all that so...

I'll just probably leave it to that.:)

song playing: Lee Hyo Ri's Bring it Back with Bekka (After School) and Jeon JiYoon (4minute)

ja~:*

suddenly

2010-05-10T20:15:00.002+08:00

song playing: Taylor Swift's Invisible

I suddenly wanted to blog.:)

well, right now, half of my clothes are occupying 5/6 of my bed, and I'm occupying the remaining 1/6. I was actually sorting out my clothes - looking at all my clothes to see which ones I'm going to keep and which ones I'm going to give away. I'm actually going to sort it out more than once to make sure I only have half or less clothes left after sorting out. I wanna see my closet when I only have that much clothes...

I just finished sorting out the things in my room aside from my clothes. I threw away more than half of my stuff. I filled up one big garbage bag. I started around a week ago but because I had a lot of stuff I sorted through it carefully to make sure I'll be throwing away the things I don't need anymore. looks like I didn't need a lot of stuff. I even threw away CDs, cassette tapes, and a whole lot more.

I just actually turned on my laptop so I can have music playing while I cleaned. I'm never in the mood to do something without music. then they turned on the PC, so my laptop suddenly had internet connection. so I downloaded a whole lot of things while I was trying to sort through my clothes. then I suddenly remembered I haven't finished watching the film A Walk to Remember yet. so I downloaded it. after a few hours and a few downloads later, I suddenly wanted to watch it, so I did. I just finished it. and now I'm listening to a few songs from it.

I suddenly just stopped sorting out my clothes and decided to leave everything on my bed. I'm going to leave them until tomorrow. I'll definitely be in the mood by tomorrow.

have you ever had that time when you watch or see or hear something that suddenly sets your mood and just makes you not want to do something or makes you want to do something else other than what you're supposed to be doing? that's kinda what happened to me after watching the film and listening to the songs from it. I suddenly remembered him. and it suddenly made my heart ache a little bit. I remembered the post I wrote a few months ago, I think. it was about the million reasons why I wanted to tell him how I felt and the one reason why up until now, I'm stopping myself.

I don't want to remember it anymore. don't get me wrong, I'm not getting tired of being in the state of love for him. I'm getting tired of always feeling sad because I'm in this state. I envy people who are so happy and full of smiles when they fall in love. I've never experienced that before: being happy because of love. again, don't get me wrong. I'm happy that I'm in love with him. it's just that, the day I finally admitted to myself that I love him, I've been trying my hardest to get over him. I don't tell my friends how he makes me smile like crazy; like how normal people would be. unlike normal people, I never imagine being with him until forever ends. I never imagine marriage, children, and all that stuff with him. it's only one of two things: either he's in love with me too, or I'm always there whenever he needs a shoulder or an ear; the latter being the more frequent storyline of my imagination. whenever he has problems with his family, his life, I want to be there and maybe help him. it's just that. that's the only thing I want. it's too selfish, I know. but that's the only thing I can hope for.

whenever I see a star or I have to make a wish, I only wish for something that I know would make him happy. I don't know what would make him happy so I always wish for his forever happiness. when I set the lantern I was holding free during Gab's party, I wished that he pass the Talent Test for the College of Fine Arts in UPD. the next day, when the results came out, I went to CFA to see the results and hopefully send him a congratulatory text. he didn't pass. and I had to check twice. his name wasn't there. my wish didn't come true. and it just felt so wrong and I just wanted to cry but I knew that I didn't have any right to, so I didn't.

okay what am I blabbing about?:))

I should stop the post now, it's making me... feel weird.

I'll continue sorting out my clothes now.:)

song playing: New Radicals' Someday We'll Know

it's one of my favourite English songs.:)

ja~♥

I NEVER TOLD YOU

2010-04-27T20:27:00.002+08:00

well, that's the song by Colbie Caillat I'm about to listen to when I suddenly thought of writing this seemingly overdue blog post. the song kinda has a connection to what I'm about to write so.. yea...

I graduated.

with honors.

maybe it was something I've always hoped for the past four years. I've always wanted to make my parents proud. and yep, I did it.

it started when I qualified for UP Diliman, then this.

so, yeah, I'm pretty happy that I made them proud.

but right now, I'm not really that happy. I'm not even thinking about that right now.

after graduation, when almost all of us were up on the stage hugging people and congratulating everyone and taking pictures, I was only thinking of finding him and finally telling him.

but I couldn't find him.

you can't imagine just how lost I felt while I was looking for him. it was like I was finding my way home. I know that when I see him, just see him, I know that everything will be okay. even if I can't approach him, as long as I can see him, I know that the feeling of relief will just gush through me and I'll know everything ill be okay. but I didn't find him.

and then the next day, graduation ball. as I was getting ready I kinda hoped that he'll ask me to dance with him, then I can finally tell him. the conversation I wanted me and him to have was playing in my head up until while the ball was going on. but he didn't ask me to dance with him. and he even told me about how he likes one of our batch mates, and how he's pretty serious about her. I just kept on supporting him and all that. well, aside from that he told me about how he still owed me a lot of things and all that but that wasn't what was important. he danced with her, through I think about eight songs.

and that's how the night ended.

that's how my graduation went.

I didn't even say the most important thing I can ever say to the most important person in my life.

I've been waiting for it for almost four years. if you want an exact number it's three years six months and two weeks.

I couldn't tell him.

not when he just told me he's in love with someone.

and yeah...

I'm just really hoping that she'll see how much of a great and serious guy he is.

we've never been together because that's totally impossible.

but I know how serious he is when it comes to someone he loves.

and I think she should see that and give him a chance.

and I'm hoping he'll be happy.

no matter what.

okay, to be honest, I just feel like hiding under a rock for about three decades.

I wanted to tell him. I needed to tell him.

it was something everyone's telling me to do for more than three years now.

and it was something I've been telling myself to do for the past three years now; next to "get over him!!!!"

I just hate myself for not telling him.

I just wanted to tell him so that everything will finally come to an end. a close.

that's what graduation's all about, right? closure...

I've never had that in anything that's happened in my life. I at least wanted closure for this particular thing.

but whatever.

everything's done now. I'm not some kind of god that can turn back the hands of time to that day.

besides, nothing will change.

all I can hope for is his happiness; because that's the only thing I've been wishing on a million stars for the past three plus years.

I NEVER TOLD YOU HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU AND HOW IMPORTANT YOU ARE TO ME. but I guess that's something you need not hear. you wouldn't wanna hear it from me anyways.

ja.:)

five weeks

2010-04-07T16:51:00.002+08:00

song playing: BoA's This Is Who I Am

yep. it's been five weeks since I've blogged.
I'm not really in the mood most of the time duh to write...
but today, I just had to write.=))

Leni, date naman tayo minsan, oh. please?

HE said that. just a while ago.
HIM. that guy I've considered as the most important person for three and a half years.
well, I know it's like, a joke. but still.
it's something that made my eyes a bit wider, made me stop walking for a full second, and made me look into nothingness for a little while.
that was the impact it made; and it was a LOT.
a LOT because I'm used to not showing my feelings in front of him. me stopping breathing for a full second is the most unnoticed way that my body can do to whatever he says or does. and I've become accustomed to it.
it's not like I've only liked him for a day and everything he says to me makes my heart pound like crazy, my hands sweaty, and my breath stop for a few minutes.
it's been, like I said, three and a half years. and right now, my brain imagining like crazy, which is easy to hide since everything my brain thinks of stays inside my brain, is the equivalent of what a normal person liking someone for only a day would do. but aside from that, it's just like what happened a few hours ago.

I wanted to say "sure, when?" or "okay." but there were other people as usual, I couldn't think of an appropriate reply like that at that moment, and I knew that it was a joke because it's likely of him to say those kinds of things randomly.
so I just said "oh, tapos?" which I think he didn't hear. THANK GOODNESS.=))

I wanted to say yes and make sure it was going to happen because that's when I plan on finally telling him how I feel.
it's been three and a half years, and we're already graduating. I think it's time that I told him myself.
I don't know if I'll be able to see him after graduation or whenever so I guess it's time.
I want to tell him myself. it hasn't escaped my senses that he already knows, but isn't it much better for him and me if I told him myself?
it's better for me because I would get it out of my chest and I would be able to tell him myself how I feel.
better for him because he'd get it from me and not from other people.
so when he plans on not talking to me for another two years, I'll know it's because I told him myself. and I'll know that he feels awkward because of it.
not like the last two years that he didn't talk to me because he maybe felt awkward and I didn't even know.
the last two years, him and me had this like unwritten deal that we won't talk to each other nor greet each other. that was what it was like.
now, we're friends again.
that's what's holding me back.

I don't want the last two years to repeat.
I don't want that unwritten agreement again.
I like me and him talking like friends; like nothing's ever happened.
I don't wanna cry every night wishing he'd talk to me.
I don't wanna write depressing things in this blog because we're not talking.
I don't want that insanity I felt the last two years.
I don't want to see him and he wouldn't say "hi".
I don't want those things not because he's the most important person to me, but because he's my friend. and the past few months, he's been my most important friend that all my other friends don't know about.
he's the one I tell my problems to because I know that he'll reply to my text and try to comfort me, and when we see each other the next day, he won't bother to ask me about my problem unlike my other friends.
I don't want to lose my friend. not like last December.

that's the only reason why I don't want to tell him. there are a list of reason why I should, but this one reason is what's holding me back like a caged animal.
because that reason is enough to convince me to just shout his name in my head; to write his name with my fingers, to look at him from afar though we're a few seats apart. it's enough to tell me to just keep my feelings and pretend like what I do on a daily basis.

because I know that when I tell him I Love him, he won't answer me like how those fairy tales go.
I don't know the exact words he'll say, but I know it's a kind rejection.
and maybe, what happened two years ago will happen again.
and I don't want to lose another friend.

should I take a chance and tell him?
I dunno.
but right now, I'm all about taking my gddmn chances so I can get the pieces of me.
I want to finally feel like I'm complete, genuinely happy.

so, okay.
after this long post of me debating with myself...=))
I've come to the conclusion that...
I SHOULD JUST FREAKING GO WITH WHAT I FEEL LIKE DOING.
because these kinds of things, when you plan them, the plans just won't work.
because nothing goes like the way you played it in your mind.:)
so...
that's it.

HAHA!

song playing: Epik High's Wordkill (Studio Demo)

I'll be fixing my blog soon.:D
ja~♥ Q(^_^Q) <-- haha I just found out about that. so cute.:D :*

2010-03-02T19:19:00.002+08:00

song playing: BoA's 사랑해요 (So Much In Love)

and it just had to be that song that's playing.=))
I felt really happy today.:)
I think because of three things?

i. BoA's COMEBACK.
there has finally been news about BoA; and it's something everyone's been waiting for.
BoA's planning on her Korean comeback this year.:D :D :D :D :D
yes, this has PARTY written all over it!!!
this year is BoA's 10th year anniversary since her debut, so it's a really really special year for her and the Jumping BoAs out there.:D

so ofcourse, as a loyal BoA fan for five (almost six) years and counting, I'm amazingly happy!!!:D
and I'll continue being happy about this for as long as I can. and then I'll get all psyched up again when news gets out about the release of the album.:D

ii. IDENTITY release in the Phil???
YES!!! I hope this really happens!!
I don't have enough money to buy BoA's album from YesAsia ar CDJapan or wherever...
so I hope IDENTITY gets released here.:)

iii. the only thing on this list that's not about BoA.
uhm...
why is everything suddenly like this again?
you're being TOO nice.
I mean, it's really nice that you're talking to me again but...
you're being too nice...:))
I might fall for you harder than I already am...
but it's better than you not talking to me at all.:)
so I guess I can manage.:)

right now I just need to find reasons to try and to something so I can graduate.=))
I feel like I won't...
but I'll try,.:)
wish me luck.:)

oh, and I'll be updating my blog when the time's right.:)
and by updating I mean changing the info, etc etc.:D

song playing: Glee Cast's version of Taking Chances

i just dl-ed the album.:)

ja.~:*

days.

2010-02-22T20:46:00.002+08:00

no song playing.

err... I just actually miss blogging.=))
I have a lot of stories but I've decided to bury them all now.:)
they're not something I want to read a few years from now...
well, I wish I had a diary..:)) but I wouldn't be able to write there all the time.:))
anyways, I've decided to start in college.

hm...
nowadays I feel kinda sad. and lazy.
my extreme mood swings are attacking me again.
just one more freaking month and I can be free.!!!
I just need to maintain my average~above average grades for one more freaking month so I can get a shot at graduating with honors.=))
but why am I this way???

I need to graduate so I can freaking start my life.
I need to graduate so I can finally meet myself.
so I can finally say "akosileni" and not "akodawsileni".
sometimes, people ask me this or that, i.e why do I wave at airplanes, why "akodawsileni", etc etc.
I just say it's nothing but in truth there's always something behind it's nothing. DUH!=))

I wave at airplanes because I envy those people who are in the airplane. in the clouds. in the sky.
I envy them. it's like they're flying. and I'm just there. on the ground. looking at that plane.
I wish I could be on it.

akodawsileni because I don't know if that person and me are the same just yet.
people say I'm her but I don't believe it just yet.
it's like, I still have something to prove before I can be proud to say I'm her.
she's not me. she's supposed to be me. I'm supposed to be her. but we're just not the same yet.
there's this something stopping me right now from become her.
she's who I really am. but I'm not that person yet.
she's waving at me. but I'm rooted to where I am. I can't freaking move.
it's really a good thing she's not yet tired of waiting for me. but I don't know how much more I'm willing to wait to be her.
I need to get out of where I am right now. I need to run to her and be her.
I mean. I'm okay with who I am right now. but. I KNOW there's still more to me. I can still do so many things. I can still be her.

anyways. I know the only thing I need to do is graduate.
then I can start my life.
then I can be one step closer to her. to ME.

I don't wanna dwell on this anymore. it wouldn't really make any sense unless you talk to me in person.:)
so hard to type.:))
so, ja.
I'll pour out silly, unnecessary emotions next time.:))

oh, btw.
I passed ACET ang UPCAT but I'll obviously be attending college in UP.
haha anyways.

ja.:)

BADTRIP.

2010-01-28T21:20:00.002+08:00

song playing: Girls' Generation's 웃자 (Be Happy)

a LOT of random things just made me so irritated so far into the week!

first up, formspring.me.:))
oh btw, just ask me anything here: http://www.formspring.me/akodawsileni.
it's about mp3. but never mind. I'm getting over it.:))

next up, VM!!!
okay, I think our teacher wants us to have this really formal recital where we only sing chorale songs instead of the way the seniors have been doing recitals since forever: group, duet, and solo performances from each student!!!
I wanna sing; and not in a chorale!!

------------------------

the only things that made me happy this week are: uploading photos, the questions Jona asked me at formspring, and the fact that SNSD's new album just dropped today.

oh well, just wanted to blog about it.
all better now, don't worry.:)

song playing: Girls' Generation's 카라멜 커피 (Talk To Me)

ja.:*

sometimes...

2010-01-23T14:14:00.002+08:00

song playing: BoA's Possibility duet with 三浦大知 on heavy rotation

uhm.
have you ever pretended in front of a person?
like, you pretend you like them when you really don't? or pretend you're alright when you're not? or pretend you're happy when you're drowning in your own despair? or pretend you've nothing to worry about when you're thinking about everything?
well, it's like that with me. only I don't pretend in front of a person; but to people.
sometimes it's just so hard to show them how you really feel when they're thinking everything about you's just perfect. that you're just fine.
but you're not.

you can't tell them you're problems because they won't understand, they can't tell you things to make you feel better because they can't feel even just a bit of how you would feel.
plus they don't listen to you. whenever they have problems, you're there listening like it's the most important thing you'll ever hear in your entire lifetime.
but when it's your turn to talk, they don't listen. they find something else to talk about or continue talking about themselves. or they talk to someone else. and the emotions you're just dying to get out of your system gets trapped once again, and you tell them "next time" when you don't know when that next time will be.

the things you want to talk about may not be as deep or as important as what they're talking about, but to you they are.
and for them to get lost in other people's voices, that's hard.

I can't pretend I'm alright anymore. at least when I'm alone.
sometimes I just wanna run away from the world in front of me and just go anywhere.
I don't want to get lost in this world anymore.
whenever I pretend, I lose myself. I lose my pieces. and it hurts when I lose my pieces. a lot.
I lose my voice, my actions, myself.
people don't like it when they see me sad. so I continue staying happy for them.
I wear this smile and pretend my eyes are bright with glee. but they're not.

I don't wanna pretend anymore.
I need to get out. this world can never understand someone like me.

--------------------

random story.
we got our NCAE results two days ago.
and the fields of interest I got were 1.artistic and 2.social.
my mom saw and said...

"so, pwede ka arts or sa social... bagay talaga psychology sa'yo."

I choked.
it's like I never told them I really wanted to be a designer.
it's like being a designer isn't everything I've ever wanted since I was 9.
they just dismissed that fact. that I was truly meant for the arts.
actually, they never knew when I wanted to be a designer.
and I don't think they'll ever want to know.

because when they say they'll support me whatever decision I make, I never know if that's for the decisions I want or the decisions they want me to make.
I may be lucky that they're my parents, but sometimes, actually more often than sometimes, I don't know if I really am.
sometimes, I'm just choked.

and then when I leave the house, I feel choked some more.
but I can't tell people I'm choked.
they wouldn't like that.

and then I go on and pretend again.

ja.

Somebody to Love?

2010-01-11T09:08:00.002+08:00

song playing: Leighton Meester's Somebody to Love ft. Robin Thicke

새해 복 많이 받으세요!

okay, I know it's been like, FOREVER, since I've truly blogged..:))
but well, I've just been a bit busy with school plus the whole getting-my life-back project.:))

so,,, how has everyone been??
I mean, it's already 11 days into the new year!
has anyone started on their New Year's Resolutions??:))

as for me, well, I've already started last year..:))
I had a haircut last December 29, 2009.:)) well ofcourse I remember the date... my hair's so freaking short now!:))
I realized after the haircut that my hair's natural curls aren't bad; in fact, they look nice.
the hair stylist said I should have it relaxed or rebonded... but I don't think so... it looks pretty as is...:)
maybe I'll post a selca,, if ever I get myself to actually pose nice for a selca..:))

my other New Year's Resolutions? hm...
it's all part of the getting-my-life-back project so.. yea..:))
I won't be revealing any of those Resolutions..:P I've never even written them down!
but I already know what I want to achieve during the year soooooooo...:)

okay so you must be wondering: WHAT THE HELL IS THE GETTING-MY-LIFE-BACK PROJECT??
well, I guess the title speaks for itself.
it's my own personal project wherein I will do everything it takes to collect all my missing pieces and maybe, most likely, gain new pieces of myself as this project progresses.
I don't know what the end result will be.
but I'm sure the 'me' waiting at the end of this project is someone more than the me right now.
we'll just have to wait and see how she'll be.:)
well for now phase one of the project is just enjoying life and trying my best in everything that I do, make sure I won't make any more mistakes that will only end up in regret and so far, in the eleven days into the new year, I've been fairing pretty well..:))
I'll just have to keep this up the next eleven months and I'll be a okay!:))))

erm... so about the title...
well, aside from the fact that the song I was listening to when I started the post was entitled that...
I guess I'm still unconsciously looking for that someone.:) just because...
but oh well, that can wait of course..:D
right now what I need to find and or gain are the lost pieces of me..
Epik High really inspired me for this project.
they have this song entitled Pieces of You, Tablo also wrote a book entitled like that.
and after thinking about it, I realized how many pieces of me have been lost in the past 16 years.
instead of continuously gaining new pieces, I've been constantly losing a lot of pieces and then gaining only some.
you don't understand, don't you?:))

just like in a puzzle, you can't complete the puzzle and see the whole image without all the pieces.
well, in my life's puzzle, I'm still looking for all the pieces I'm still missing and some, well, I've already lost..
or maybe they're just the wrong pieces...
anyways, I'm still looking for the pieces of me missing in my life's puzzle..
someday I'll be able to find all the pieces of me and I'll finally be complete..:)

song playing: MYK's Follow the Sun

ja.:*

aftermath

2009-12-21T21:01:00.003+08:00

song playing: Florence & The Machine's Kiss With a Fist

GOODBYE.
isn't it just the saddest word? it's the word I truly hate the most.
it's full of sadness and unspoken sorrow.
when you say goodbye to someone, you can't get them back.
once the word escapes your lips, there's no more pause, rewind and press play again.
I hate goodbye.
but why did I need to say it, TWICE even, to the friend who also happened to be the most important person in my life?

I just lost my Last chance. because I was too scared to take it.
I wanted to know what was waiting for me for both choices.
but with that fear, I already lost the bargain. how stupid of me, no?
I didn't cry when I found out I lost my final chance.
I didn't cry when he called me a dumb ass.
I cried when he told me that that message he just sent was the final message I will ever receive from him.

the goodbye scene was bound to happen.
I already foresaw that I was going to say that word to him.
someday. somehow.
I also foresaw that it'd be sometime during the Christmas vacation.
everything's going like how it played in my mind.
I was prepared for goodbye.
and goodbye prepared itself for me.
it deserved its own mini-series. of how the last five months presented itself.
it was like a play. it was almost imaginary.
it didn't feel real, to be honest.
the only things that served as evidence that the past five~seven months weren't a series of dreams and imaginations were the pictures, chats, and texts.
without those, it would seem that everything just happened while I was asleep.

maybe, I should erase everything?
make myself believe that everything was just a dream?
then I'd be able to finally wake up tomorrow.
and everything would finally be alright?
maybe. I hope so.

but I'm not crying.
my eyes are too tired from shedding too much tears the past few years.
and I was already prepared for goodbye.
I don't know when, nor how, but I was.

I'm just going to wake up tomorrow and hope that everything will be okay.
it's what he wants: for me to wake up.
it's what I want for myself.
I want to clean my room now.

the first step to cleaning your room is learning how to LET GO.

that's what I made up myself the last time I cleaned my room.
it didn't apply much the last time.
it'll apply more right now.
I should clean my room.
it's all part of the "getting-my-life-back" project.
clean your room, clean up your life.
get your pieces back. or at least find new pieces to replace the ones you lost in the process of pain.

I'll be okay.
I'm going to wake up tomorrow morning and prepare myself for everything.
I won't lose my chances again.
I don't want to lose my chances ever again.
it hurts to lose chances.
don't lose your chances, okay?

song playing: Cute is What We Aim For's Time

ja.

uhm..

2009-11-29T14:25:00.002+08:00

song playing: Ivy's Sensation

honestly I don't know what to write right now..
I just wanted to open blogger and write but I don't know what to write about...
I have too much stuff to do that I can't even afford to write a post..
but I'm just too confused,, I don't know what to put in those things I'm supposed to do..
maybe this little break is good??
or am I taking too many breaks?
hah! whatever.. I mean, nobody will care if I don't finish these.. it'll just be my life that'll be affected..
but still...

I wanna do a LOT of things!!
but I can't as of the moment...

I wanna clear my mind.. I dunno.. everything's been a blurrr lately..
just me, living everyday;; waking up, doing something, falling asleep, then waking up again..
it's like, nothing's really happening..
well, there are things happening,, I just don't feel them happening..
like, I should be super excited right now since me&Lei just watched New Moon yesterday,, that we were just at Sunken Garden for a good 30mins. laughing and talking and calling people...
haha I should be blogging about that, shouldn't I?
but it's like, when I got home,, it's like nothing really good happened..
maybe 'coz it's not the kind of good I've been hoping for??
yep maybe that's it..
the kind of good I've always been hoping for isn't quite happening;; in fact, it's not happening at all...
uhm.. anyways...

I find normal stuff a bit traumatic nowadays..
like love..
sometimes it just hurts so bad you don't wanna love anymore.. you'd just wish you were numb or something and just forget about everything...
like talking..
sometimes you just say the wrong things.. and end up hurting other people..
I don't like hurting people,, that's why I try my best not to say anything hurtful... and when I do,, I just feel like not talking at all..

hm..
I should just go now...

song playing: Ivy's 안돼요 (feat. Day Day)

ja..

tsk tsk..:))

2009-11-26T20:40:00.002+08:00

no song playing,:)

uhm, I absolutely have NO idea whatsoever why I named my post like that.:))

hm,, well, everyone, including me, has realized something:: I read books at a slower rate now than last week.
I mean, I read three books last week. THREE!!
now I'm not even close to half of the book I'm reading right now; and it's almost a week!

PS, I Love You
-- Cecilia Ahern

well, if you think I'm disappointed with myself, the truth is I'm not..
you see, the reason why I've been reading at that fast rate is because of this... getting-my-life-back project.. I needed to force myself to bring out the happy emotions so I won't have to sulk the whole day. I needed to do something so I won't have to think about the things that make me crazy..
when I finished Sophie Kinsella's Remember Me, my fingers started twitching, I was becoming anxious.. I was thinking about the things that made me go crazy, deranged, and ~~sad~~ devastated the whole day..

I needed to read a gddmn book.

Lei saw me and said the same thing.. and when she sees me sad, she'll tell me to read..
I was beginning to depend on books for my gddmn happiness..:)) how crazy is that???

well, with me reading at a slower rate now, it just means that I need not depend too much on books for happiness.. I actually woke up smiling this morning!! a first in a while..
well, now you know how desperate I am..:))
I can't find my own happiness..

anyways!!
now I'm starting to lighten up and be a bit happier... I'm proud of myself!:))
I can wake up every morning now and not try to crawl under a rock.. or at least, I think I don't.
anyways, I'm just trying to make the best of the pieces of myself that I've got right now..

maybe I'm never meant to find/collect/pick up those pieces of me..
maybe they were meant to get detached from me..
maybe I'll gain new pieces..
maybe I can be happy without picking up the pieces I lost..
maybe I'll just be happy on my own..
someday I hope I'll be..:)

ja,,, I'll be going.. just because..:)

no song playing..

ja!♥♥♥:*

grr...

2009-11-19T18:38:00.002+08:00

no song playing... someone's watching news..

I'm feeling irritated...
because... well, you remember mp3, right???
I added him on FB and blahblahblah...
well, I've been trying to talk to him.. okay, I've been irritating him.. but he just WON'T reply!!
I mean, I must look stupid in his FB page, always, well, almost, sending him IMs.. but he won't reply.
and! I saw his e-mail add on his info page when I suddenly wanted to look at people's info.. and I added him on Y!M.. but he DENIED my request!
I was honestly just pissed off right then and there. (it happened two days ago..)
I mean..
okay.

random fact about me #1: I CAN'T TALK STRAIGHT TO PEOPLE I DON'T KNOW. I mean, I can talk to them, but I can't make friends... usually I just wait for them to talk or make friends or it's not just gonna happen.. so me trying to talk to him is something really really really new. I just don't know what to say to make friends.. and yet he doesn't even recognize my small efforts.. well, maybe because they might be insignificant to him but whatever...

random fact about me #2: I'M CRAZY. well, I don't need to go to a center or something to get myself treated, but I don't know when to: stop talking, stop irritating, stop laughing, stop doing stuff once I find it comfortable to do so; which is why I don't usually do the talking nor start the conversations. and right now, it was me trying to start the conversations. okay, I've done it before, and usually the people I talk to reply, but well, he doesn't.

ANYWAYS!!>:|
I'm just really really irritated because it's really hard for me to start any conversation and be friends with people..
to be honest, before I went to that review center, the only people I know (aside from relatives etc etc.) are from UPIS.
so, I know that makes me such a loser but whatever. the point is I don't know how to make friends, okay???
I need to have small talk for like, AGES, before I can talk comfortably with people..

okay, I admit I have been stalker-ish with the way I act. but I told you, I DON'T KNOW HOW TO MAKE FRIENDS FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!!! if I only knew how I wouldn't be this crazy! but the truth is I don't. so I'm really gddmn sorry if I irritate people when I try to be friends with them.

damn it, I feel like crying already..

tell me how to make friends,,, be honest? be.. what??? well at first I wasn't even trying to irritate him. but then I realized he won't be replying to the messages, so I started irritating. I just don't know what the hell I should do.

when me and pencil still had, well, stuff to talk about, okay sorry I just feel like crying I've been reading our IMs... uhm anyways.. when we still had stuff to talk about it was usually a two-way thing... I'd say hey, he'd reply; I would ask something, he'd answer and maybe ask something back; we'd tell stuff, just stories about some stuff in our lives and all that... okay I just continued reading some more of our IMs and I can't take it... everything just used to be so fun.. we just used to talk about random stuff and I'd end up laughing for 5minutes because of some part of our conversation.. but well, everything's.. changed, now... he stopped telling me things.. he's been just so serious with everything.. I've been careful now with what I tell him coz I, well, kinda know that about 90% of him doesn't care about the things I'll be blabbing about.. he doesn't say bye now when he has to go.. most of his replies are only one letter: k.. and he doesn't talk to me anymore.. not the way it has been... it's like, I've been talking to him for years and the conversations have been fun but suddenly, it's just nothing anymore... it would last for hours but when you take out all the dead air time, it would just be worth about ten minutes.. I just don't tell anybody because I know that what feel like years, is only four months... yep, I just stared talking to him four months ago... and it's already felt like forever... and I kinda know that no matter what I do, I can't talk to him the way we talked two months ago anymore... he's now a different person to me, and I think just to ME. I don't think he wants to talk to me anymore... he doesn't want to talk to me... he.. he's different now; to me... ever since he's told me about that thing... I feel like, like, he thinks he doesn't really need to talk to me anymore...

okay I can't continue anymore I'm sorry.. I'm sorry I just went completely off topic... I just wanted to make a comparison but it ended up like this I'm so so sorry...
okay I just better go now...
I need to read a book... I really need to finish the product plan for baking and start reading a book... okay I really need a book now...

no song playing...
ja..

let's go PARTY.!:))

2009-11-17T18:17:00.002+08:00

song playing: "2PM" 's Heartbeat

haha I can't help it, I'm sorry... they're still 1:59PM without Jay...:D
let's hope the time will be 2PM soon..:)

haha anyways!:P
hm.. what to blog about??:))
I just suddenly decided I'll write a blog post without anything in mind..:))
oh oh!!!!!:DDDD

I finished a book in SIX HOURS!:)) yay me!
actually, it wasn't six hours straight... since I was at school..:))
I started around 730AM and finished around 145PM...:)) while classes were going on..=))
well, nothing interesting happened in school today so I just read the book...

Top Ten Uses for an Unworn Prom Dress
-- Tina Ferraro

I absolutely LOVE it!! I mean,, I couldn't put the book down! I was only planning on starting the book that's why I brought it to school I never imagined I'd finish it that fast!!
haha I'm actually proud of myself... finishing a book that fast... and it took my mind off things I've been thinking of... I plan on doing it again tomorrow tbh...:)) just light reads like that book... I don't want to keep thinking about the stuff as I'm reading..:)

hmm... I'll look for a book to read tomorrow...:) I should keep doing this until I can get things off my mind independently.. I mean, I don't need to read a book or try to listen to lectures in vain...
just time... I only need time to get back on my own two feet.. to not find reasons to smile and/or laugh.. to just be happy without reason.. it's been a while since it's been like that.. (maybe never?:P I dunno..)
I just need time.. I can't not go to school because I can't afford it.. so I'll just do the "recreation" thing at school.. I'll just read and read books until I get better..

I only need TIME.
I know it's a lot to ask..
but right now that's everything I need.. I can't ask for anything more.. (well, money is a different issue.. I need money too but that's irrelevant right now..)
anyways..
my life is such a loser I can't even do things on my own..:))
I just need time to get back up.. I feel like dragging my two feet, or crawling, the day away.. maybe hide under a rock or something.. or lock myself in my room and listen to songs that will make me go insane..
anyways~~

pfft.. whatever!:))
why is that my title???:))
well, it's still TOP SECRET for now!! ask Chad or Jona if you wanna know!:)) but can't ask them, can you?:))
I'll spill everything once it's all final...:D

haha anyways again..:)))))
I'll be going now... haha! can't think of other things to talk about..:D
maybe I'll tell stories this saturday..:) stuff will happen... I'm.. about.. 84% sure...:))

okay! I'll really be going now!

song playing: 2PM's Only You (Acoustic Mix)

ja~!:* ♥♥

:))

2009-11-06T15:24:00.002+08:00

song playing: Girls' Generation's Girlfriend

LOL I'm sick today...:))
as in literally sick... fever, cough, stuff like that...
I hate it...
I only get sick like 2~3 times every year but every time I do it feels like I'm dying...
so I just had to miss class today.. (and the first day of Baking 2!!!!:c)

I think this is a good thing actually.. I got to sleep for more than eight hours (the first in a while) and I was "craving" for a week break... just to get my life back...

I called him again yesterday... I just feel so stupid that I even asked Eijei to confiscate my phone for a full week.:))
well, I could've done it. but I thought, "it's the UPIS celebration soon, stupid! you have to contact people and obviously, you'll need that damned phone of yours..:))"

the reason why I need that week-long break is because I need to redeem myself.
I'm thinking, how can I be cum laude when I graduate, no, how can I graduate if my mind's not focused where it should be?
I need to get my life back because if I don't it'd mean chaos.
I wanna read a few books, make paper (I want a paper-making kit!!:)) ), work out, think straight, so I can get back on my own two feet.

I'm not saying that he's the reason why I need this. it's my own problem. I think too much about him that I'm starting to lose myself. I've always believed that when you love someone, give him/her your 90%, then leave that 10% for you... so when your heart gets broken, you won't feel too bad coz you still have that 10% left for yourself...

but now I feel like I've already given that 100% and 100% more...
plus 100% of my attention EACH to him, my pKA duties, still my MC1 duties, and my studies. okay, screw the studies part, I only give about 70% to it... oh right. and 130% to my love of KPOP.

so that's 200% of my heart and 500% of my attention.

where does this leave me?
I dunno...
that's why I need the break soooooo bad.
I need to see if I'm giving all that attention to the right places...
I'm not saying that I don't need to give attention to those things...
I'm not even giving 1% to myself...:))
sometimes I don't want to sleep anymore so I can do everything I need to do...
I haven't even blogged lately...
I'm thinking now that it's a good thing I got sick. I may have missed a LOT of things in school, but at least I can think about what I really need to think about.
maybe I can have time for myself when I get a bit better (hopefully by tomorrow) and clean up my room..:))
my room's just been so messy lately... papers and stuff everywhere... I'm even sleeping beside my school bag and cellphone charger..:))
I need to get a bit better first before I move, I don't wanna get sick again. I can't afford that anymore... I can't even afford it from the beginning...
oh well...

I just wanted to take this opportunity to blog... like I said, I haven't blogged lately...
right now I need to get cellphone load so I can text the people I need to text for UPIS week..
and ask for notes..:)) I wanna have complete notes this sem... so I can get the cum laude position when I graduate...
I wonder what they did in Science&Math&English&PE&Econ&Baking today~~
oh well...

AH!!
I forgot to blog last night! I was too sick...

HAPPY 23RD BIRTHDAY TO MY BIGGEST INSPIRATION, ASIA'S POP PRINCESS BoA!!!!!
more years of success and LOVE to come!!!

sorry, no pic... I'm using my sister's laptop..:D

song playing: Paramore's Brick by Boring Brick

ja~~:*

work.

2009-10-31T17:56:00.002+08:00

song playing: KARA's 똑 같은 맘 (Same Heart)

annyeong!!
it's been a while since my last blog..
just been sooo busy nowadays..
too much work... with MC1 and pKA...
for starters..

it's finally the SECOND SEMESTER next week! yay!!!
months closer to that graduation!:D
but still a LOT more work to do..

the UPIS celebration will be held from December 15 to 17, 2009...
and since well, I'm part of pKA, we have to really work hard to make it the BEST!
so, since I'm the bus.man,,, I'm in-charge of coordinating with the booths of the school orgs, contacting concessionaires, contacting sponsors, coordinating with the different people for the ACLE or alternative classroom learning experience... which just means I'll really be busy this November..:))
but not just me, of course. everyone from pKA will be really busy these days so, NO DISTRACTIONS PLEASE! :))

another thing?
taking of yearbook photos have already started and MC1 is in-charge of it...
even though the first semester is already over we're still the ones in-charge of the picture-taking...
and also we'll still be helping MC2 with the actual yearbook...:))
which just means we'll be hanging around the MC room more often than we should..:))

I just hope everything goes well..
I have to do my very best in what I'm doing right now so I can graduate without any regrets..

I wanna help MC make the BEST yearbook in UPIS; or at least the yearbook be as good as batch 2006's yearbook...
I wanna help pKA help the school, plan the BEST UPIS celebration in years, and plan more activities for the betterment of the school...
I, with my groupmates, wanna finish that research paper in English!
I also wanna make a good paper in Filipino.. I know we have to do one..
I wanna get a line of 8 in Econ!!!:))
I wanna pass ALL my subjects with flying colors and graduate with honors...
and I wanna set my future straight. once this is all over I can concentrate on studying fashion and Korean! yay!!

a Lot of things I want, no? well, I wanna accomplish all these things so, like I said, I won't regret anything..:)

anyways...
I wanna learn how to not think of him all the time..:)
it's just that I know that if I think of him too much, I'll end up not accomplishing ANY of those goals.
I wanna think of him, but not as much as now.:))
you don't get what I mean, do you?:))

before, there was this voice in my head, telling me that I should be doing this and that.
since I found out what I felt, that voice suddenly disappeared and was replaced by this other voice screaming to me things that won't really 100% help me with those goals aforementioned...
so, I just wanna bring that voice back in my head..
I think it's starting to come back... I hope it'll be the stronger voice soon, than the other one..:)
I have to be focused with what I need to do as opposed to what I want to do... well, the things I wanna do are also the things I need to do...
I just have to stop myself from staring into nothingness while listening to Taylor Swift songs at night..=))

anyways... I'll be getting back to work!:D

song playing: BoA's IZM ft. VERBAL from m-flo

ja!!!!♥♥♥:*

white.

2009-10-11T11:32:00.002+08:00

song playing: KARA's Mister

I'm listening to the songs I put in my blog's playlist..LOL

so tired.. we went grocery-hopping yesterday..
for the function thing at school..
the amount of stuff to be done is draining me..
aninag, function, photoshoot, writeups, physics report, economics CF, health project, english research..
it's stressing to be a senior.!:))
well, we have classes tomorrow so maybe I'll be able to do some stuff at the library..
I LOST THE GUIDE TO THE HEALTH PROJECT!:((
gotta copy..
I'll be going with my mom to Makati.. she'll be looking for some clothes.. so I can think of what to write for the writeups for Chad, Rhea, Jona, Abe, and Eijei..
I still have to pay for the photoshoot, and the grad fee, and the grad ball... gahd.. maybe this week..
and I have to coordinate with our whole section for the function thing..
oh, and we have to think about the CF..

but right now I have to write articles..
finish the articles I'm supposed to finish so that that'll be one less thing to think about..

I just have to say... I'm not really as responsible as everyone thinks..
I skipped CAT yesterday for the function.. now I have 12 hours debt..
I have to repay it.. maybe next semester?
I dunno... but I have repay it.. make up for it..
I don't wanna not graduate because of CAT..

well, I'll let myself worry about that..:)
oh, do you know why that's the title of my post?
I painted my nails two days ago,,, white..
I like white.. it's.. relaxing..
like everything is supposed to be where they should be...
like nothing should be thought about..
white...

song playing: BoA's Energetic (Radio Edit)

ja~♥♥

sigh

2009-10-08T20:08:00.002+08:00

song playing: none.. someone's watching tv..

TOO MANY STUFF TO DO!

I'm actually just thinking about it I dunno how to go about doing everything yet..:))
my head's hurting too much that I can't think of doing other stuff..
I feel insane..:))
sigh...

oh! I just remembered!:))))
this someone and him have codenames!!!:))))
remember that post when me&Lei played hears/tails??? well if you don't go look for it.. it was a post in July..
uhm.. so!

this someone = mp3
him = pencil

I can't believe I just realized this now!!
everything would be much much easier if I just used those codenames..!:))
anyways!
hm...
I'm trying to irritate mp3 right now..:))
you know I can actually be irritating, esp. when I talk too much..:))
haha oh well...
but I tend to get irritated with myself when I irritate other people.. because I know that those people are already irritated with me..:)))))

blah, whatever..=))

ja, there's no song playing anyways...:|

wait.LOL.:))

2009-10-06T21:17:00.002+08:00

song playing: none..:)) someone's watching the Fil.ver. of Stairway to Heaven.:))

annyeong!:D

yesterday, my hands were like, shaking... coz of the talumpati..:))
I thought I we were going to do it today I wasn't really ready yet!
well, in terms of reqs I was already complete... but me myself, am not prepared..:))
so, I was so restless last night and this morning I hurried to go find clothes and all that...
and when I got to school I was anxious like crazy, but less anxious than last night..
then during physics class our class pres. announced that we would do the talumpati on thursday... I almost screamed in relief..:))
but well I couldn't really believe it.. so when Filipino time came, I asked our prof. if we were going to do it today...
AND SHE SAID NO!!
and I was smiling like a crazy person after she said that..
so I'll be doing the talumpati on thursday, and I'll return to normal... and by normal I mean I'll only get nervous 5~10 mins. before the actual event..:))
well I hope I do... I'm used to myself that way...
being nervous A DAY BEFORE was sooooo new to me...

anyways...
haha! I feel happy today... FEEL. :)) I don't think I'm really happy, I just feel that way...:))
did good things happen today? not really...
bad stuff? close...
irritating stuff? I guess.. I dunno...
maybe it's just... well.. I dunno..:))
I just FEEL happy...

oh well...
I think that'll change pretty soon... haven't talked to him yet... I don't think he'll go oL.. and my time's almost up... gotta sleep soon...
haha as I was writing the above statement my smile slowly faded...
hm... the smile will probably return tomorrow,, or when I get to talk to him...
anyways!:)

gotta go..
will blog again soon...:)

ja~♥

one more time, ok?

2009-10-05T16:05:00.002+08:00

song playing: Paramore's Feeling Sorry

I dl-ed a LOT of music today..:))
well, I just decided to dl a lot since there are these songs I wanna listen to...
and, take note,they're actually ENGLISH songs!!:))
so, for a KPOP fan like me people would be really weirded out..:))

anyways...

BoA's new single BUMP BUMP! is nearing its release! and the PV was just released!!!:D
it. was. AWESOME~~! LOVE IT!
well, anything from BoA is LOVE, but still..
when I read the headline at BJJ forums I was screaming like a crazy person..:))
so, I dl-ed the PV, watched it, and it was just so amazing!
always love it when BoA and VERBAL from m-flo collaborate..:D

------------------------

okay! so, why is it that my post is named like that?
I honestly dunno why...:))
okay, here's the thing...
I told you I wanna be friends with this someone right????
well, I was looking for his profile in Facebook... I was looking for it through name but when I realized that didn't work I used other means; i.e connections..:))
and well, I found it???
I dunno if it's his but well... I looked at his friends in FB and they all scream "YES IT'S HIM, DAMN YOU!":))
but well, I didn't add him yet..:))
well, one is because I might look stalker-ish...:)) I mean, I've been texting him with "hi" 's and stuff like that so he might think I'm being stalker-ish..

anyways...
well, when I finally found his page I felt confused...
because! he was using a different surname from the one I know..
okay, I heard him say surname number 1 in that event months ago... then he's using this different surname in FB!!!
okay I just sounded crazy did I not?:))
well, it's not my fault I sound deranged!!!

so, poll: should I add him, or not??:))
well, maybe when some people who know my complicated life post-review days go online I'll ask them...:))
pfft.. never mind..:))
well, for now I won't add him.. I'll just stay confused as I am...
Jona!!!!! go oL now please!!!:))))

song playing: BoA's BUMP BUMP! ft. VERBAL (m-flo)

okay, I'll leave you with this post as I laugh to myself in a deranged way..:)))))

ja!♥:-*

2009-10-04T14:02:00.002+08:00

song playing: Demi Lovato's On the Line

haha! I lied... I love the skin too much to replace it..:D
plus I can't find another skin..:)
but, updates done!:D
aside from the new post, also changed the playlist, and some other stuff you'll obviously see once you roam around...

--------------------

so, what has been up with my life lately?
coz of the storm I haven't been able to actually get out...
yesterday I almost told him how I feel about him..
it went..

text
me: hey can I tell you something?
him: K
me: uhm... nothing, never mind..:) rest earlier..

so, there.. ALMOST. dunno what he would've said if I told him..
it won't be pretty that's for sure... haha..
plus that'll be like, one BIG reason for him not to talk to me anymore, which is, not what I want...
okay, I was love drunk last night... and feeling a bit emo.. haha!

I have to seriously do something since there'll be classes on Tuesday... meaning TALUMPATI! fcuk!
it's just a ppt presentation but still... I know I can do it tomorrow but...

can someone give me load???:)) I wanna go unli and text people...:))
oh right..:)) there's a store nearby.. will go buy load later..:D
I should do that ppt now should I?
a bit later... it's still early..

haha I'm talking to myself again.. soliloquy.. it's something I like doing... coz nobody understands me but me..:))
I write letters to myself you know...
maybe I'll write myself one next time..
I like writing myself letters... the part of me which functions with my brain is the one writing the letter to the one which functions with my heart...

"there's a reason why the brain is positioned above the heart..."

sometimes I have to be more... logical.. even though I don't want to..:))
well, I feel happier when I make my brain take control...
the reason why I feel sad every night is coz I let my heart have her way... in the morning, I think about what I should do... at night it's just me and my pillow.. and Cappuccino right beside me...
anyways...
it's still 2:24pm..
see? my post isn't that melancholic... I'm still thinking..
I think people will be coming later so... can't post too much that my heart will overflow..

if I told you that I love you, would everything still be okay?
I'm not hoping you'll love me, I'm just hoping you'll still talk to me...
I'm getting used to talking to you...
I'm actually hoping that I don't really love you...
because I don't want to lose you...
maybe tomorrow, or the next
I'll finally get over love...
maybe get over you...
in the sense that I won't love you more than anyone else...
I'm just hoping I don't love you...
or am i hoping you love me too?
or maybe I'm just hoping I'll be able to wake up tomorrow...
or... am I hoping for you?
whatever.

I suddenly wanna write a song now...
nope, that's not a song...
just something I wanna say...

song playing: Taylor Swift's Breathe

ja... I gotta smile, remember?
no time for melancholy..:)

WTF?!

2009-10-04T12:24:00.002+08:00

song playing: Greg Laswell's Girls Just Wanna Have Fun (Confessions of a Shopaholic OST)

Jona made me wanna update..:))

okay, Facebook has definitely given me scandals to last a DECADE. or century.:))
well okay, there are only THREE scandals but still..:))

first: I took a test for "what's your biggest secret?" and the result was: YOU HAVE A SECRET BOYFRIEND.

second: I took the "which school should you be attending?" test. the result? LA SALLE.

third: (and this is the best I swear!) for the first time, I used the "Lover of the day" app. and I think you know who the result was right?

definitely ROFL moments..!

oh well... there goes everything..:)) living the past 16yrs. in silence...:))
well this was bound to happen no?
haha oh well!

song playing: Brown Eyed Girls' Candy Man

next stop: MAJOR BLOG UPDATE. (yes including the skin.:D)

ja.♥

smile

2009-09-12T20:43:00.002+08:00

song playing: Taylor Swift's Fearless

annyeong!:)
haha stories... gonna blog while uploading.. oh and I said I'll be talking about f(x) today!!:D
well before that...

i. grades

I just got my card... haha! well at least I don't have any line of 6...sigh.. but still..:))
my highest is math.. 90... then english (84), then physics (80)... econ, p.a and fil are 77, 75, 74 respectively... haha!!! well,,, I'm not really that sad since I kinda expected this already... I actually expected physics to be lower...:)) oh well...

ii. hrr

what should I read for hrr (home reading report)??! haha! I have a LOT to read... (and yet I have time to blog...:))) )
oh well, I'll figure something out..

iii. talumpati

I still have to find a LOT of books for this...:)) and the worst part? I'm going to say the speech first.. hahahahahaha!!! sigh..

-----------------------------------

okay! that's about it~
now about f(x)!:D

f(x) [you say it as "effects" and not like how you'd say it at math class...:D ] is the new SM girl group!
despite the issue SME is acing right now with DBSK, they still debuted this group and let me just say that they're so great!:D

I haven't said this before here but when 2NE1 debuted, they were already like pros... they really worked hard and it doesn't look like they're rookies from the first perf! f(x) is like that... they're like pros from the first perf!
no offense but when 4minute debuted, they had that "rookie" feel; unlike f(x).. anyways..:D

love love love their debut single LA chA TA (yes you spell it like that..).. it's just about having fun and grooving to the beat of the song..

haha I've been listening to these kinds of songs these days.. happy/fast songs.. (only listen to those slow songs at night..:D)
anyways,,,:D

ja, I'll be doing other stuff now...:)) [but not what I'm supposed to do... hahahaha!]

song playing: Taylor Swift's White Horse
(listening to her whole album... again.)

ja, until.... hm...♥

it's 2PM baby...

2009-09-09T17:45:00.002+08:00

song playing: 2PM's Again&Again

ugh!!! I'm feeling so so so so sad...
okay, here's the short version of the already long story..
Jay Park JaeBeom (2PM) posted some "bad" things about Korea (like it's gay, stuff like that..) on his MySpace during his trainee days.. well, he said that coz I think we all know he's from Seattle and so it's his first time in Korea during that time..
anyways..
netizens just happened to dig up those posts and now antifans are going sorta crazy again (think SNSD last year) which forced our beloved 2PM leader to leave 2PM and Korea. just yesterday he left for Seattle, leaving everything 2PM unresolved.. now all 2Pm plans are canceled, and everything;s just a blank and question marks..
(got this info from allkpop.com btw..:D )

Jay!! come back please!! have faith! all your fans will be patiently waiting for your return in Korea, and back in the leader spot of 2PM...

twelve is not thirteen = Super Junior
eight is not nine = Girls' Generation
SIX IS NOT SEVEN = 2PM

me and my friend were thinking, what if JYPE replaced Jay? we shrugged at the mere thought of it... if the leader position was given to someone else? it'll be too different...
but since everything's been done..

we'll be waiting for you Jay!!!!:)

----------------------------------------------

sigh...
anyways...
haha..
I'm feeling lonely again..
dunno why the hell this is happening to me again..
tell me why please!!!:))
I suddenly thought of something.. haha but I won't tell!:D

I just keep having these damned imaginations in my head.. you know how I am...
once I start on these imaginations I can't turn back... haha..

oh and I want to befriend this someone... haha!
haha you must be getting confused!!
okay,, that person is the guy I liked before,, we got that right?
this someone is different from him (the one on my confession post..:D ). gets???
haha I just don't like dropping names that's all.:)
anyways..
reason? nothing... I just wanna be friends with him that's all...:)
well I just think it'll be nice.. but I don't like him. (you see... period!:DD )
anyways...
hm...

well, basically my head's blank right now so I'll be ending this yes?:)

song playing: f(x)'s LA chA TA

oh and I'll be telling about f(x) next time!!!!♥

ja until~~♥♥

patience

2009-08-24T15:10:00.002+08:00

song playing: DBSK's Free Your Mind ft. TRAX

before that it was Love Is...:D

annyeonghaseyo!:)
well, I'm trying to be happy... haha!
two consecutive happenings are making me sad:::

i. mission failed, &&
ii. been three straight days without talk...

well, I think I already know my alternative to that mission... I already thought about it last night [and while I was sleeping..:D] so that's good... I just need to find time to go to the mall again...:))
for the second one... that's why the title of my post is like that...:)
it's still early so I just really need to wait...
yesterday I was online like, the whole day... well my brother was playing rpgs but whatever.. haha! I was online in ym... waiting... haha I felt stupid... but well who isn't these days right?:)
oh well...
I just need to be patient and wait...

gah... haha!

ooh... I've heard G-Dragon's 1st solo album... and I love it... haha!!! you gotta listen to the 53sec mark in the song The Leaders... haha!
SM Entertainment also has a new girl group: f(x)!! can't wait!

ooh and this quiz on facebook told me that my secret is that I have a secret boyfriend... haha!!!
I wish...:))
haha whatever!:D

I can't wait for BoA Deluxe (repackaged version of BoA's 1st US album with three new songs!)!! it'll be our WORLDWIDE on Sept.22... wait! worldwide includes the Philippines right? haha!
sometimes the Phils. isn't really included in stuff like that... like DBSK or Super Junior's Asia Tours... they go to Vietnam, Indonesia, Malaysia and all tat but not here... haha! anyways,,,
hope they release it here too!! there will be LOTS of BoA fans here who will be happy!
I really hope so!!!

well, I'll be continuing with taking facebook quizzes now... haha!

song playing: G-Dragon's Butterfly ft. Jin Jung

ja!~♥

고백

2009-08-18T00:38:00.003+08:00

song playing: Younha's Gossip Boy

I'm writing this as I'm waiting for the paint to dry... I'm doing my project in that damned subject p.a...
it's the last time I'll be doing that anyway...
I have to go to school tomorrow...
no matter how much my muscles hurt... I have to walk properly so my mom can give me the ok sign to go to school...
I need to...

I made my confession already... my 고백.
I've been trying to stop myself for two weeks now...
because I know it's wrong... I know that I shouldn't...
but whenever I talk to him, everything seems so ok... no matter how many times I cry, I'm happy because I get to talk to him everyday [well, almost]...
he's 70 percent of everything I think about now... actually it's more...
haha, how funny... someone actually surpassed BoA's percentage in my heart... it's the first time.
I'm actually happy he's that 70 plus percent...
I go online everyday just to see if he's online... then I'd go and talk to him...
at first it was because I wanted to be friends with him... now, after just three weeks, it's become a habit I can't remove...
he's the only one I talk about, I think about...
maybe it's because I talk to him unlike the last time I fell? I dunno...
he's actually the one I had a crush on at that time,,, a few months ago...
what the hell am I talking about??? I sound like a deranged person...:))
well, my feelings have been complicated the past three weeks...
anyhow it's always been because of him... always this worry for him...
I'm always too worried about him...

I love him.

no elipses. the first time I said that in this blog. ever.
I didn't say that when I was talking about that guy I loved for two plus years.
I always just let my feelings explain themselves, but not once did I mention those three words.
I dunno what drug I swallowed [I don't even do drugs, nor medicine.] or what I drank [aside from Milo and water.] that made me say those words.
actually, I made the confession 17 minutes ago... 12:37a.m in multiply.
and after I ~~said~~ wrote this words, everything suddenly seemed okay... like everything was meant to be what they should be...
I'm fine now.
I dunno how many times I'm going to cry after I finally admitted it to myself, but at least...
so, I haven't actually told him, though I want him to be the first person I say it to... right now I'm just happy to finally admit it to myself...

maybe, I'll be able to tell him tonight once we talk again... unless I chicken out.. haha I hope not...

song playing: Younha's Rainbow

whatever happens... better to find it out soon than to wait two years again, right?
[if you don't know, liked the first person I liked for two years, and I loved "that person" for two years, seven months and I think about 13 days...:)]

ja.

Telepathy

2009-08-09T18:35:00.002+08:00

song playing: Brown Eyed Girls' 못 가

omg! I just looked at my blog and realized that my last entry was about my adventure with Lei to our testing site... hahahahaha!!
UPCAT's finished now...:D gahd... just let me tell you how I felt during the test...

Language Proficiency: haha it was easier than I expected... so happy!
Math: gahd it was kinda hard! haha!!! but the Geom part was easier than I thought...
Science: blah... I was already kinda lazy as I was answering it I swear...
Reading Comprehension: haha I enjoyed it! I read almost all the passages... I think I didn't read just one passage...
survey: I finished the last subtest too early so I has the chance to answer the survey... haha! blah...

I finished each subtest early... I thought I was answering each question too slowly but when I was done with each subtest and I look around I realize how fast I answered... haha!

anyways... after that me, Chad, Eijei&Danjo went to Technohub and we interrogated Danjo..:))

hm...
what else should I talk about...?
oh right! the title!!:D

have I ever written something here about me writing this story? I started it during summer vacation but along the way I was losing inspiration to write so I kept stopping... I only got to write it slowly...
haha! since I'm happy I'm finishing it up now! just a couple more pages to go!

the tentative title I have right now is Telepathy... because there's this one part where...
oh... haha! I won't say...
I'm thinking of whether i should post it or not... maybe create a new blog just for that?
or write it as a BoJoong fanfic in BoAjjang...
the names I used are Korean names but I can always change it... haha!
hm... any suggestions?

what I'm writing right now is still not really detailed... I guess if I ever find any inspiration to type it I'll add more parts...:)
haha I just feel all giddy inside whenever I read the first part of the story...
uhm... let me just tell you a bit about it...
I'm writing it kinda like a diary...
it's about this girl who, as she was waiting for her friend at the subway station, saw this guy and just fell in love at first sight...
and then things just happened and it just looks like they have Telepathy...
so sweet... haha!

anyways...
maybe I'll write more about it when I'm actually done with it...
haha!!

CAT started yesterday! haha! it's kinda fun actually!
gah! I need a belt!:))

song playing: Girls' Generation's Etude

it's one of my fave songs right now...:D

ja, until next time!!♥

adventure!:D

2009-07-30T18:03:00.002+08:00

song playing: BoA's Key of Heart (Korean ver.)

hello!
so today,,, me&Lei went to our testing sites for the UPCAT... well, it wasn't really that hard to do since well, we study in UPIS but our only problem was: I'm to take the test in SOLAIR while she'll be taking it in NIGS... and they're on either sides of the campus!!:)))))
so, we decided to go to SOLAIR first and then walk to NIGS... haha! stupid us since it was a really LONG way from SOLAIR to NIGS.... hahahah!!!
we even got our shoes dirty!!! [damn construction for making the road we were taking all muddy...]
I even think the motorists were watching us!!! haha!! either they didn't have anything better to do because of the traffic or just because we were entertaining to watch... haha!!

well, we got to NIGS, then rode the jeep to UPIS elementary [where Lei cleaned up her shoes], and then home! haha!!
we were supposed to go someplace else but since we were already tired from all the walking [plus we realized it was another LONG walk to get there], we didn't go there... hahahahah!!!

haha! I just honestly wanted to tell the story since it was so fun...:D

song playing: Brown Eyed Girls' Glam Girl

ja!!!!!:D

힘들어하는 연인들을 위해

2009-07-28T17:51:00.002+08:00

song playing: Girls' Generation's 힘들어하는 연인들을 위해 (Let's Talk About LOVE)

hahahahahahaha!!! a LOT of things happened this week! I didn't really think last week would end...:))
so, I didn't have a chance to blog about the Leadership Camp [LC] so I'll be blogging about it today., plus the events [:D] that happened today...:))

so, LC first?:D

so stressed!!! the whole p.e time [we were excused] + lunch time + econ class [again, excused] last friday I was running/walking fast around the entire school hunting for people who would come to the LC but some of those people [and they were the last ones I was hunting!] said they couldn't come! effort wasted. haha! anyways...
I still attended MC even though someone like me who didn't do their homework and has a LOT of stuff to prepare would just skip the class, I didn't. haha!!! just because it's MC class and we have to talk about the wall mews due next week... anyways...

LC! I was part of the ones in charge of registration [though I'm really not..haha!] and my batchmates were soooooooo noisy! hahahahaha!! couldn't hear the other people who were registering...
I didn't have the chance to be in the Multi-Purpose Hall for the opening remarks + first talk coz there were a lot of people who registered late...
anyways...
all in all the LC was really fun!!! my first and last and I had SOOOOO much fun!
YELLOW TEAM won in the Amazing Race!!! yay!!! [the team I facilitate...:D]
sorry I didn't have much time to be with you guys...

the batch presentation was SOOOOOO cute!!! it really showed what our batch was all about..! [didn't get the chance to participate since we were talking about something else but I got to video it! check my multiply!!! <---] love you batch 2010~~~

then after the LC me and Dayne went to the refresher to take the UPCAT mock exam...haha!!! [me without eating three meals straight...=))] we managed to survive...haha!

btw, I didn't get the chance to talk to him, again... haha!!! heart was pounding + we both had people we were with..:D

----------------------------

so, what happened today now, right?:D

hm... I guess I'll start with the thing that happened in math class...:))
well, it wasn't really much of an "event" for everyone since only the four of us [me, Dayne, Maxx, Lei] saw it/could really relate to it in our class...:))
here's what happened:::
Dayne suddenly took my correction pen and wrote something somewhere... and by something I mean HIS NAME and by somewhere I mean... somewhere...:))
and it was too shocking... but I took a picture...=)) and I don't plan on uploading it so... haha!!

hm... Lunch now!
our batch got together in the AVR 2nd floor for a batch assembly before the UPCAT...
and our Senior Council [actually Dayne] prepared the AVP for our batch...
gahd it was beautiful!!! there were a LOT of funny pictures but the whole AVP made me want to cry a bit... [I was actually crying coz of laughter...haha!:D]
but seriously, I loved it and made me remember, "next year, I won't be going to UPIS to register for classes with my batchmates..."
the thought makes me wanna cry... does it have to be this quick?
but of course we'll have chances to be together even after high school... I'll just miss them a LOT...
[I'll definitely visit UPIS whenever I have the chance once I'm in college!!]

and we [me&Lei] took pictures galore!!!!!!!!!!
pictures of our batchmates, of course.. haha! [I'll be posting it on my multiply after I post this...:)]

and now... the reason why I'm writing this...=))))))

after classes, me&Lei decided to go to the library to study a bit...[haha! we gave up after 14 math questions!!!!]
then we suddenly got talking about my life...haha!! [the part of my life I rant about in here all the time, that is...]
and so she said: "give me a coin, let's play heads or tails!!!!"
haha! so I gave her one and then she thought that we would use the game to figure out who I should just like...:))))
and so, here's the result of the first round...:))
she decided that heads would be mp3 [codename!!!] and tails would be pencil...:D

mp3: 3
pencil: 6

it was out of 10 but we decided not to throw it the last time coz it wouldn't affect the result..haha!!!
then she wanted it that tails be mp3 but this time, the other person would be different so I suggested that the heads would be weights [I'm lovin' the codename!!!!]

mp3: 6
weights: 2

hahaahahaha!!! so, as a result, I'll be "forced" to say hi to both pencil and mp3 when we meet again someday...haha!!!!

and then it was Lei's turn!!!
we decided that heads be text [haha!] and tails be smile!!!

text: 4
smile: 6

it was a REALLY close "fight" and we honestly though text was gonna win but neither of us didn't want it for her so yay!!! smile won!
then, just something random, we thought that heads would be sched and tails would be heartthrob...[damn! it's hard thinking of codenames!!! hahahah!!]
she decided that if sched won, she'd say hi to him...haha!!!

sched: 5
heartthrob: 5

tie!!! haha!! so of course, we has a tiebreaker: best of three!

heartthrob: 2

so of course heartthrob already won!!! yay for us!!!
haha!!!
though the game didn't really help me...haha!!! just for laughs in the library!! [it was just the two of us there so haha!!]

then just before we went home we got together with some of our friends and they suddenly played Ang huling El Bimbo by the Eraserheads...haha! Gono's voice..=)) we just sang along and it was fun...:)

then after that we.. well, went home..:D

and that's it!!
haha!!
I had too much to talk about no?:))
I'm just kinda happy today...:D
love my batchmates!!!!!!!!

song playing: BoA's Energetic (extended ver. --- the one used in the MV.:D)

ja, until I have more stories to tell!!!!!♥

quick post.:D

2009-07-14T21:27:00.002+08:00

song playing: Ivy's 1 to 10

yes! I'm back to playing Ivy songs!!!
I finally dl-ed her albums again!!! ahahahaha!!
I missed playing Ivy songs esp. 유혹의 소나타, Cupido, A-Ha, 오늘밤 일, and a LOT more!
right now I'm listening to her 2nd album A Sweet Moment... it was released a while ago... two years ago I think? haha... anyways...

ah! I haven't uploaded yet...:D still a bit lazy to do that since I'm putting captions and all...:DD
maybe I'll do it over the weekend...

when my mom finds out I'm still using the computer she'll kill me..haha!
well, 9pm is already late for them since we have classes tomorrow and I just got better from a flu; a NORMAL flu... haha!

actually I'm also sleepy now...
but I can't just turn of the computer because I'm still dl-ing some perfs I didn't dl...
of course I'll be watching them tomorrow... I just need to finish dl-ing them...

ah! I haven't done that other opinion yet for MC! so much debt...
because we have to pay for every day we didn't pass an article... I think it's been two weeks now.. haha!
I'll be slowly paying them off...

I'm just not in my right orientation... I'm thinking about too much stuff it's starting to eat me up again gahd what the hell happened to getting my life back...
I'm just hoping I get it back before UPCAT so I can study properly... but in my orientation right now, I don't know...
well, let's just see what happens...

gah even now I'm thinking about ~~him~~ it..:P
whatever... I just need to finish homeworks and articles right now... maybe I'll do it during lunch time tomorrow, I'm all out of pad papers... gotta bring bond papers...:lol:

still 31 minutes left before my dl's finish... what to do?
maybe I should just stop them and just dl them tomorrow... yep good idea..
haha!!

there! I stopped them! haha!!! so all this was for nothing anyways...
I will go and sleep now...:D

song playing: Ivy's 그날까지 (Until That Day)

ja, until next time?:D

sunday

2009-07-05T17:31:00.002+08:00

song playing: Younha's Delete

been a while since I blogged!!!*huge grin*
ah! I'm updating everything so it won't die.. esp. this blog that I love so much [that thankfully only a few people read...:)]

so, how's everyone lately?
I'm just downloading and downloading right now... not much... I just want my music here to be complete...:D

------------------------

you know, K-pop "addicts" are just sprouting like mushrooms in our school because of 꽃보다 남자. it's okay but it's kinda irritating... I mean, they only like K-pop now because of 꽃보다 남자... but what if the fad fades? will they still like K-pop???
I actually have a story...
I was supposed to apply for a scholarship at KNUA (Korea National University of Arts) but I can't because you need to submit a diploma; I'm not even a graduate yet... haha!
anyways...

so, I was filling-out the form when two of my friends saw it...
and now of them said that she'll try it out so that if ever she gets accepted she can go to Korea to meet Lee MinHo... I didn't show any reaction but deep inside I was like "WTF?!"

I mean, you'd want to go to study in Korea because of a celebrity?? that's just weird...
I admit I wanted to initially go to Korea to meet BoA (like, five years ago), but now it's different...
I want to go to Korea because one, I want to experience that culture I've always like d and have been fascinated about since six years ago, and two, I feel that that's where I need to be... that feeling is so strong you just can't easily deny it...
and my competition for a rare slot in a scholarship is someone who only wants to meet a celebrity...
I just think that's not fair...
but oh well...
I'll just try again next year... maybe I can apply for scholarships in other Korean schools too... try out for a course in fashion design...

------------------------

hm... what should I blog about next??
right...the LC [Leadership Camp] is near!!!!!!
19 days to go...:D
I'm excited but at the same time I'm also nervous... we all need to do a good job in planning and preparing the event!

------------------------

I updated Cappuccino's playlist... and by update I mean I deleted all the music and put it all back; carefully choosing which songs to put...
I put two full US albums in... just two artists... Ashley Tisdale's Guilty Pleasure and Katy Perry's One of the Boys... that's it... haha!
all the other songs are Korean songs... BoA, Epik High, Super Junior, SNSD, SHINee, DBSK, Younha, 2PM, 2NE1, After School, KARA... maybe I'll put in WOnder Girls a bit later... still writing...:D

------------------------

I need to get my life back all over again... I succumbed to my old lifestyle a week after school started.. I need to change that again... haha!!!
[do it right Leni!!!!!!!]

------------------------

I miss myself... I miss the real me... haha!!!! I've never even experienced her before... how can I miss her?xD

song playing: Younha's 고백하기 좋은 날 (Perfect Day to Say I Love You)

ja, until next time! ♥

1st week in school!!!

2009-06-20T19:05:00.002+08:00

song playing: Super Junior's 사랑이 죽는 병 (Love Disease)

hello!!!!!!
haha! the first week of senior year is finally over... so much to do this weekend!!!
haha! I'm getting more organized right now since I wrote down everything i need to get finished by Monday since we don't have classes on Monday...

new section!!! x-acacia is already a really nice section! yep, they're quiet but they're also really fun and noisy during breaks especially!!
it's also the first time I became classmates with Jep and Jek... though i don't really feel that way since we've all gotten together a couple of times!! everyone's so nice!!
I'm mostly with Jona and Lei.. Jona because we just have too much to talk about about stuff that I don't want to tell you since we might look too paranoid; and Lei because we're also classmates in the review plus we also talk about the things me and Jona talk about so it's the three of us...
but of course I can't forget Dayne and Max!!! of course they're the ones I'm with whenever possible!! haha!! I love these people!!

like I said, me, Jona and Lei have too much to talk about!! [but I'm not gonna say.. hahahahahaha!!!]

--------------------------

KPOP has too much going on right now as well!!!

4minute already debuted!!!! they released their MV for Hot Issue and made their debut perfs on M!Countdown, Music Bank and most recently (just a couple of hours age recently), on Music Core!
yep, I'm addicted, again! love the song already... but of course they could all do better!

here's 4minute's Hot Issue MV for you!!

SNSD says HaHaHa again plus they grant your wish!

SNSD filmed another HaHaHa campaign video; this time in Incheon Airport!! (I posted late.. sorry!!) they had like, a lot of their fans as extras and it's so cute!!
and what do I mean when i said they'd grant your wish? SNSD will be finally making their second comeback of 2009 with their 2nd mini album with their title song entitled Tell Me Your Wish (Genie)!!!!! they'll release the mini-album on the 25th and make their comeback perfs!!!!

here's the HaHaHa video and the teaser of Tell Me your Wish respectively!!

and.....

of course I can't forget that Super Junior and SHINee have released dance versions of their songs It's You and Juliette respectively!!!
I mean, just dance versions!!!

here you go!

and I always forget to mention how much I live wondersmurf@youtube for bringing us subbed versions of KPop MVs!!!!
thank you wondersmurf!!!!!

ja, until next time!!!

quick post

2009-06-14T19:23:00.003+08:00

no song playing... Cappuccino's far from me...XD

well... I just have a few announcements to make... hahhaahha!!!

I'm going to get my life back!! yay!!
I made this plan that I want to achieve by the end of the school year before I graduate...
I really really need it if I want to get my life in "order" before I get to college,,, that is, if I can pass the university I want to get in to...xDD I'll truly make sure I pass so that the plan can get into motion...*HUGE grin!*

MYX is playing Kpop!! yay!!!
well, I'm just happy because I have a sort of reason to watch MYX; aside from trying to catch my fave local bands' new songs... i.e Sandwich's Manila!!
haha!
but I noticed MYX's audio isn't that HD... I mean,,, because I have listened to all those songs on PC (with all those great effects in the background audio),,, maybe they should upgrade? or then again maybe it's just our damned TV... hahahahhaa!!!
gotta vote for BoA's I Did It For Love now!!!!

hm? what else?
oh! classes will start soon!!! so so so excited!!! senior~~!xDDDD
I miss my friends! gonna see them soon!!!!

ja, until next time!!! oh! yea! I'm happy now~ hahahahaahah!!!

insert elipses here

2009-06-04T21:41:00.002+08:00

song playing: Super Junior's 너라고 (It's You)

*long sigh*
yep, that reply came alright. *refer to the last post*
but it was like that again; I kept on imagining things on how that "conversation" could've gone better.
grr!!! why do you make me really want to regret TOO much?????
I've never wanted to regret so much in my damned life!!!!
why now?

I think I was relatively happy with how I've been livin the past sixteen years *a majority of those years I don't even remember*.
why does it have to be now? why do I need to always think about it?
even when I could say I was in love with him, I've never thought that it could've gone better or anything like that.

oh right...
I haven't told you...
I realized... though I don't want to finish statements because I never know when I'll be taking back these words... that's why I'm using all elipses...
I just think, about 80+% sure...
last night I was texting my friend about something...
I said... "do I still love him? I don't know. do I like this someone? I don't know. I don't know anything anymore..."
and she said... "you should just close your eyes and clear your head", like what I told her to do the night before.
and so I did. and I texted her with the result which was... "right now, my heart doesn't beat fast when I think of him. in fact, I don't even think of him at all."
and I was crying, not because of him, but because of this regret I want to feel because of this someone!!!
*so now you know that "that person/him" and "that someone" are completely different people*
and she said what I was feeling was already different?
is it? I don't know. I seriously don't know. but I know one thing:
this is the most number of times I've cried in a week's span because of just one thing.
I've never felt so sad like this... I think...
what am I feeling? even when she's already told me in plain words that I must like that someone, I can't be too sure...

it's like, one minute my heart's so alive it just wants to get out of my chest...
and then the next minute, like now, it's like, dead.

I can't write anything anymore... it feels weird. normally I would have so many things on my mind.
right now, I just want to tell somebody about this.
but I can't. because I know they're too busy to listen to a confused person.
but I don't use my voice too often. i think i could actually survive a day or so without talking.
maybe that's why I'm too scared of expressing myself. I'm too used to just keeping quiet.
I can't get mad when I want to; I can't cry when I feel like it.
sometimes I think I should only show positive emotions like happiness.
I don't even know how to cry when I'm too happy.
but I don't think you'd care too much, no?

people say that they always want someone who'd listen to all their rants and what they have to say.
I'm just hoping for someone who'd let me talk. and actually even just pretend that what i'm saying is important. it would be nice if they really thought what i was saying was important.

whatever. noone cares...

song playing: Super Junior's 사랑이 죽는 병 (Love Disease)

it's exactly the same as last time...
whatever. you don't even care...

ja, until... something... happens...
maybe, until someone's willing to listen?

째깍째깍

2009-06-02T17:49:00.002+08:00

song playing: Super Junior's 너라고 (It's You)

the title simply means tic toc tic toc.
hahahahahaahahahahahhahahah!!!

I feel so stupid and insane right now!!
last Sunday I was crying and I don't even know why!
it's one of those moments in life when you're so so so so confused that the only answer you have for every question is "I don't know"!!
I even called Rhea that day and I just cried on the phone.. haha!
I don't really know why the hell I was crying the whole time.. tears kept coming out of my eyes..

maybe it's because I hate regretting. it's something I've promised myself: I won't regret. if I'm ever faced with a situation that I don't like and would want to regret, I would just find ways not to regret it.
and that one moment, I really wanted to regret.
the feeling was worse than every other moment in my boring life I wanted to regret.
because, honestly, I was already regretting it. I just don't want to admit it.
in my mind, I was already imagining ways of how those encounters could've gone better.
damn.
I hate myself. in my boring life, there are many things I've always wanted to regret and wish it could've gone better. but that was it. I found ways to just accept the fact that that was all I can do.
but last week, my heart really felt heavy and it was pounding, I don't know why.
I'm serious! if I knew the reason why I was like that, I would write it here, but I really really don't!
and it just sucks. I don't know why I'm turning into a crazy person without me knowing.
after Sunday, I suddenly feel normal. but now...

that's why that's the title of my post.
I've decided to muster up all the damned courage I didn't know I had and just did one of the things I didn't know I'd be able to do.
just because I don't want to feel this regret. it sucks, this feeling!
I just don't want to feel this regret.
and right now I'm waiting for that damn reply that would help me sleep tonight...

have you ever felt that? regret?
I hate it. it's like, something's eating you up.

I've always known my life is so boring and that I don't have enough courage to do or say the things I want to.
because I know that I'm always scared that people won't listen to me and that they would just think I'm insane.
I've gotten a bit used to that now. I want that fear to fade but I just don't think it's time for it to fade yet...
but, I don't know. i just didn't want to feel regret in this particular situation!!!

gah!
I don't know.
I'll update once I get that reply. IF I get that reply.
btw, Epik High's Lost Map is most amazing!!!

song playing: Super Junior's 사랑이 죽는 병 (Love Disease)

ja.

June always comes after May

2009-05-31T08:25:00.002+08:00

song playing: Natasha Bedingfield's Again (Confessions of a Shopaholic OST)

okay, that must be the WEIRDEST blog title I've had!!!xD

well, summer review classes are over. aww~~
I haven't had a chance to meet and be friends with all of them because I have this fear of people not saying hello back when I say hello first *I believe that has happened to me several times, so I've developed a fear.. haha!*. I don't even know all of their numbers to send GMs to them.! hm... I'd better ask Lei for all their numbers. haha!

if anyone of those classmates ever read this blog:::
I really enjoyed the past month and I hope I can still keep in touch with all of you!!!
we'll see each other this July, right? in the refresher course? *smiles*
haha!!!

actually, I've been a bit restless since the 27th. I thought they were talking about me because I have this feeling that they were, and it was true. they were talking about me and it's just really weird. hm... I suddenly feel SO restless.!!! haha!!! oh well...

so, what is that title all about???

well, I already told you that I ran for student council, right? and that I won *business manager, if you can't remember it go look for the post. or, that's why I'm reminding you now.xD*
well, in a couple of days school will start!!!!
omg I'm so nervous since I don't know if I'll do a good job or not... I really hope I do and that I don't disappoint the school and my fellow student council members...
I just want to do something for the school before I, and the rest of my batchmates, graduate and go lead our own lives; college, maybe? hm...
oh, well. let's just see what happens! I hope I can post stories about it here.!

ugh, I feel so restless!! haha! it's just this feeling that you're waiting for something to happen but nothing's really happening... it's weird; I've never really felt like this.
wonder why... hm...
*thinks*
I can't think of anything...xD

oh! have you seen BoA's performance of I Did it for Love at the MTV VMAJ with Sean Garrett? AMAZING!!! by far the best perf of the song!

and BoA and Sean Garrett officially announced in the red carpet that Energetic will be the new single to be released off the album!!
the first time I listened to the entire album, I thought that Energetic should be the first single. since all the songs are dance/club songs, everyone should "report to the dance floor" first before getting the party started. haha!

*if you don't know what I'm talking about, "report to the dance floor" is a line repeated a number of times throughout the song.xD just thought you wanted to know.*

you should listen to the song, and the whole album for that matter, when you have time so that you'll hear all the amazing songs, okay?
I hope they release Did Ya as well... *huge grin*

song playing: BoA's Energetic

ja! until next time!!!

wow. someone reads this thing. haha!

2009-05-28T23:26:00.003+08:00

no song playing... xD

someone's reading this blog! haha! yay!!!
well, if you wanna see scroll down to the tagboard... :D the person made me realize something... haha!!

actually, it's something I've already known about myself for a long while now...
I write like a stupid person, don't I??? haha!!!
a LOT of times my thoughts are just so random and incoherent, other times it's just plain weird.

okay, what I'm getting at is:::
Neil --- you're right! haha!! *what I wrote two posts ago was so wrong when you put it that way!!! haha!!*
actually, I am addicted to Asian pop *proven by this thing here* but I'm not saying that liking it because it's a sudden trend isn't good; since I know for a fact that I'm one of those people who fall for the marketing trick, just not by the market others around me fall for, but it's the same thing.xD
maybe, what I was getting at is well, this is a place where I just rant about my own boring life and so... I just hate the fact that I can't express myself as the person who falls for the marketing tricks of the Korean music industry to the people around me. but of course when they happen to like it too one day, I'll look like the person who's loved it the same time as they did and not eons earlier *again, about my life... haha!!*. have you ever thought about it though? you like something last year and when you tell your friends about it, they ignore you. but when suddenly that thing you liked became so famous, it was like you didn't tell your friends about the same thing last year. haha!! oh well...

truly sorry if my thoughts were like, the word that keeps coming in my mind is, hypocrite, the way you summed up my post... hahaha!!!xD
sorry if I sounded like that...

we're all victims of advertising and marketing. oh well... haha!!!

thank you for summing up the post, though! sometimes when I'm in a bad mood and I'm right in front of the computer, I just write and write not knowing that the things I've put in contradict with one another... wah~~~~

thanks for reading and commenting!! I hope you, or others who might see wrong and contradicting ideas in my post, correct me and tell me just what I wrote in a way just like you did: straight and clear. THANK YOU!!!!

YOU MADE MY BIRTHDAY!!! SERIOUSLY!!!!

*now I will go to sleep. I just wanted to edit the previous post since I got the title of Epik High's special album wrong.xD sorry again to Tablo, Mithra, Tukutz, and MYK!!!*

ja, until the weekend comes like I promised in the last post!!!!!!!

the Fashion Suicidal.

Blue roses

Mandatory year-that-was post

새해

PRN :)

Dreams

SEMBREAK!!!

a look back at August

REFLECTION.

COMPLEX

I'M OLD.:))

seventeen forever for 364 days

no title.:)

suddenly

I NEVER TOLD YOU

five weeks

days.

BADTRIP.

sometimes...

Somebody to Love?

aftermath

uhm..

tsk tsk..:))

grr...

let's go PARTY.!:))

:))

work.

white.

*sigh*

wait.LOL.:))

one more time, ok?

WTF?!

*smile*

it's 2PM baby...

patience

고백

Telepathy

adventure!:D

힘들어하는 연인들을 위해

quick post.:D

sunday

1st week in school!!!

quick post

*insert elipses here*

째깍째깍

June always comes after May

wow. someone reads this thing. haha!

sigh

smile

insert elipses here