song playing: HoMin's
Introduction ~ magenta ~
Hi! Uhm, okay. It's been a long while since I last blogged. I'm sorry.
Actually, I'm supposed to be busy reviewing for my 108 finals on Friday, but since this is bothering my mind at the moment -- and is gravely important in my life -- I shall take the time to write about this.
And right now, I'm actually planning on being honest. So I hope -- if anyone actually reads this -- nobody laughs at what I'm about to blab about. Because honestly if you plan on laughing I don't even know why your bothering with reading this when you can spend your time doing more useful stuff for your life. Anyways, here I go...
To start off, I'll probably fill you guys in on what I've been busying myself with the past few weeks.
Well, the answer to that question is actually just one thing: WRITING.
No, I'm not writing anything else other than fanfics. Yep, I started writing in August (I actually posted the first ever chapter of my first ever fanfic on GD's birthday; and the fanfic's about him, silly VIP underneath the Jumping BoA that is me ㅋㅋ) and since then I haven't been able to stop. I've already got two fanfics in my hands.
I guess it's a way for me to spill out all the creativity I've been hiding within myself for basically my entire life. If it's too much to say then I'm sorry, but looking back on my entire life, half of which I do not remember, I can say that the amount of creativity I have that I've actually shown the world is... less than one percent.
I'm not a popular writer (mainly because I just started) and honestly I'm fine with being unpopular; as long as the people who actually read the stuff I write like it.
So, I'm sharing the links if you guys want to drop by and read it:
So, with that, I'll probably go to the main reason why I actually got myself to write a blog post after who knows how long (and no, I'm not really planning on checking; it ruins the momentum).
So yesterday (yes it was yesterday), I was walking up the stairs of AS when I came across the most amazing publicity material I have ever seen: a pubmat for the graduation show of the BS Clothing Technology graduating class.
To simply put it, my entire world felt like it would break apart.
Because my heart suddenly broke into a million pieces, knowing that I would never be part of any BS Clothing Technology graduation show. Even though I know in my heart that I'm supposed to be.
Have I mentioned before that it was a dream of mine since I was nine? To become a fashion designer? And then I finally realized I wanted to be a wedding gown designer after designing my tita's wedding gown back in 2008?
Do you guys know what I thought when I saw my tita walk down the aisle that day? It wasn't 'OMG my tita's getting married', or 'OMG she looks gorgeous', or 'OMG they're so good for each other'. It was 'I designed that dress. I'm not part of the program as a bridesmaid or whatever because I designed that dress'. And the happiness I felt that day was just indescribable.
Anyway, yesterday, I was this close to deciding that I would shift out of Psych next semester to CT; the SoFA crash courses pubmats adding fuel to the fire. But after ten hours of sleep (I didn't bother doing any school work when I got home because I was practically broken), I decided I would just take CT electives and crash courses from wherever when I can.
But then I thought about it again today, as in just now, before I started writing this.
I was complimenting my friend Nicole (who, by the way, is one of the most amazing music critics in the world, check her site
here) about how amazing she writes. Then I realized how freakishly incompatible I am with my course right now (jsyk, it's Psychology).
If I had to list down the fields I am most interested in, they would be:
- Fashion & Styling; the whole lifestyle that is this.
- Music
- Dance
- to some degree, Acting (which makes Theater so enticing)
- Art
- Writing
So basically, if I had to choose courses that would suit those interests, it would have to be:
- Fashion Design (which in UP terms is Clothing Technology because of reasons I do not even know when they basically learn the same stuff in fashion schools to a certain degree I do not know of since I'm not a CT major)
- Music
- Dance
- Theater
- Comparative Literature (or Journalism but I honestly find writing news too boring for my life; and yes, I've written news)
But I know how Music, Dance, and Theater are too much for my life simply because the dream I aspire to be with those things involved is an idol (which brings me to another frustration that I didn't audition for tvN's Kpop Star Hunt but whatever; that's the least of my frustrations now) and I know I don't really need a degree in Music or Dance to be an idol.
So, it's either CL or Fashion Design, or in UP terms, CT.
But I don't like writing when I'm required to do it. I like writing, but when it's required of me to do so, I don't like doing it anymore. Because I don't like writing without inspiration (which would make me a bad songwriter; and yes, I've written a few songs, but they're all kept in my laptop or in my room). For me, the things I write without inspiration always end up wrong beyond belief. So I just write when inspiration strikes me.
So, CL's out. CT remains.
Do you know that feeling wherein everything just seems to fit perfectly just by the thought of two things together? Because that's how I feel whenever I think of myself in Fashion Design, or in UP terms, CT. It's like, the whole would suddenly becomes this place filled with rainbows and happiness and everything just seems right.
It's like, when I saw that pubmat yesterday, my heart just started to beat really wildly and I just had every urge to run to CHE and claim my spot as one of the CT students? Because the first thought that entered my mind when I saw that pubmat was: "I want my own grad show, my own fashion show".
So, I have every reason to be there, in CT. Actually if I had the say in it I would drop out of UP right now and enroll in SoFA or FIP.
But why am I an Psych?
Honestly, I don't know anymore.
Yes, I'm interested in all these Psych concepts; yes, I want to learn more about how people think; yes, I want to help the people important to me with their problems. But is that enough reason?
Because honestly, I feel like Psych is too rigid for my life. I mean, look at the interests I have. Yes, all of them have a certain rigidity (I cannot believe there is such a word) to them, but in essence, they're free, shapeless. You can let your creativity flow in them. I mean (and this is a pretty bad example but just to drive home the point) Lady Gaga did wear a dress made out of meat, right? Psych revolves around concepts, rules, theories, and strict ones at that. I was writing my behavior modification paper for 140 a while ago and the only thing I thought of while writing was 'too formal for my life'.
My entire life, I've been trying to make other people happy by doing things not really within my grasp, because I can only be rigid and formal for so long. Sometimes, I shock myself whenever I write my fanfics, because I honestly don't know how I can write such things. Sometimes, I sit down and read my fanfics again (as a way of critiquing myself) and I don't know why, but the stuff I've written so far is, in my own personal opinion without any bias, good. They're not the most amazing stories and I'm only just in the point wherein I'm finding out how to incorporate as many stories within the story as much as possible while still making the story good and how to make good twists in the story, but if I read the stuff I wrote and it can from someone else, I think I'd be hooked.
Again, I'm not complimenting myself.
And it makes me realize how much freaking creativity I have that I haven't showed people in the past how many years of my life.
My family knows I want to be a fashion designer, but I don't think they've seen what I can do (aside from the wedding dress I designed for my tita).
So, what am I doing in Psych?
Is it because I want to graduate soon? Is it because of Psych Soc (because there's something in our constitution which says that only Psych majors can be head of the committee I'm in now, go figure)?
Or is it because I'm too scared to actually do something I want for once in my life?
I'm scared to do impulsive things that I know I won't regret, but aren't in my comfort zone?
Which is why I just want to escape. Because I don't know who I should satisfy right now. I don't know what I should do with my life. I'm confused; confused being an understatement.
song playing: KARA's STEP
I'm sorry if the post is too long and scattered, I don't wanna edit it anymore. I said what's on my mind and at the end of it I'm still confused. It lost form at the end, just like how I am right now: scattered and broken.
I'm not trying to sound poetic.
Ja.
Denise Nichole Baje