song playing: G.NA's
Top Girl
I'm trying not to listen to ballads as much as possible.
It's raining so hard outside~ Actually the weather has been so bipolar haha.
Anyway, I've been busy with something lately that's not related to acads in any way.
I started writing a fan fiction two weeks ago! Haha. Been posting it on asianfanfics and so far everyone who's been reading has been liking it I'm so happy.
Been trying to get back my creativity which I know I've lost for a while now. I feel so lost so I decided to try and give a shot at writing again. So far it's been really good. But I can't wait to finish it and maybe start writing another story. Or maybe a song like I used to. I miss writing songs haha. Just saying.
Anyway, that's not really the real reason why I wanted to blog today.
The truth is, I've been really depressed lately. It's not really the kind of depression that's like, a clinical sickness that I need to get treated medically (at least, not yet), but I have been really sad lately.
At home, I feel so much like trash. Okay there, I said it. I feel like nothing I'm doing is good enough, and I feel so unimportant. It's like they're not really treating me like how I treat them. I dunno why but I'm feeling that way. I know it's kinda showing in just really really shallow ways, but sometimes when those little things build up, I end up exploding. And I can't explode on my family, so I just hide it.
The worst part is that I know that they don't deserve the negative feelings I have right now because they're a really nice family.
It's my fault actually. I can't always seem to find the right inspiration to get things going. It's like I'm forever stuck like this until something important happens to my life.
That's why I'm wishing that I get accepted to the Student Exchange Program I applied for.
I know that it's gonna be hard for me to do this on my own; without any kind of external motivation. I know that internal motivation is also pivotal but look where it's gotten me so far.
I really want to change; it makes me cry to think about it. I feel so weak and insecure and shit.
I FEEL LIKE SHIT RIGHT NOW K. I hope it'll stop raining soon.
song playing: BoA's Dangerous
In other news, guess who became a happy fangirl just now~ ME!
Ja~~ :D
Denise Nichole Baje
