song playing: Girls' Generation's 웃자 (Be Happy)

a LOT of random things just made me so irritated so far into the week!

first up, formspring.me.:))
oh btw, just ask me anything here: http://www.formspring.me/akodawsileni.
it's about mp3. but never mind. I'm getting over it.:))

next up, VM!!!
okay, I think our teacher wants us to have this really formal recital where we only sing chorale songs instead of the way the seniors have been doing recitals since forever: group, duet, and solo performances from each student!!!
I wanna sing; and not in a chorale!!

------------------------

the only things that made me happy this week are: uploading photos, the questions Jona asked me at formspring, and the fact that SNSD's new album just dropped today.

oh well, just wanted to blog about it.
all better now, don't worry.:)

song playing: Girls' Generation's 카라멜 커피 (Talk To Me)

ja.:*


song playing: BoA's Possibility duet with 三浦大知 on heavy rotation

uhm.
have you ever pretended in front of a person?
like, you pretend you like them when you really don't? or pretend you're alright when you're not? or pretend you're happy when you're drowning in your own despair? or pretend you've nothing to worry about when you're thinking about everything?
well, it's like that with me. only I don't pretend in front of a person; but to people.
sometimes it's just so hard to show them how you really feel when they're thinking everything about you's just perfect. that you're just fine.
but you're not.

you can't tell them you're problems because they won't understand, they can't tell you things to make you feel better because they can't feel even just a bit of how you would feel.
plus they don't listen to you. whenever they have problems, you're there listening like it's the most important thing you'll ever hear in your entire lifetime.
but when it's your turn to talk, they don't listen. they find something else to talk about or continue talking about themselves. or they talk to someone else. and the emotions you're just dying to get out of your system gets trapped once again, and you tell them "next time" when you don't know when that next time will be.

the things you want to talk about may not be as deep or as important as what they're talking about, but to you they are.
and for them to get lost in other people's voices, that's hard.

I can't pretend I'm alright anymore. at least when I'm alone.
sometimes I just wanna run away from the world in front of me and just go anywhere.
I don't want to get lost in this world anymore.
whenever I pretend, I lose myself. I lose my pieces. and it hurts when I lose my pieces. a lot.
I lose my voice, my actions, myself.
people don't like it when they see me sad. so I continue staying happy for them.
I wear this smile and pretend my eyes are bright with glee. but they're not.

I don't wanna pretend anymore.
I need to get out. this world can never understand someone like me.

--------------------

random story.
we got our NCAE results two days ago.
and the fields of interest I got were 1.artistic and 2.social.
my mom saw and said...

"so, pwede ka arts or sa social... bagay talaga psychology sa'yo."

I choked.
it's like I never told them I really wanted to be a designer.
it's like being a designer isn't everything I've ever wanted since I was 9.
they just dismissed that fact. that I was truly meant for the arts.
actually, they never knew when I wanted to be a designer.
and I don't think they'll ever want to know.

because when they say they'll support me whatever decision I make, I never know if that's for the decisions I want or the decisions they want me to make.
I may be lucky that they're my parents, but sometimes, actually more often than sometimes, I don't know if I really am.
sometimes, I'm just choked.

and then when I leave the house, I feel choked some more.
but I can't tell people I'm choked.
they wouldn't like that.

and then I go on and pretend again.

ja.

song playing: Leighton Meester's Somebody to Love ft. Robin Thicke

새해 복 많이 받으세요!

okay, I know it's been like, FOREVER, since I've truly blogged..:))
but well, I've just been a bit busy with school plus the whole getting-my life-back project.:))

so,,, how has everyone been??
I mean, it's already 11 days into the new year!
has anyone started on their New Year's Resolutions??:))

as for me, well, I've already started last year..:))
I had a haircut last December 29, 2009.:)) well ofcourse I remember the date... my hair's so freaking short now!:))
I realized after the haircut that my hair's natural curls aren't bad; in fact, they look nice.
the hair stylist said I should have it relaxed or rebonded... but I don't think so... it looks pretty as is...:)
maybe I'll post a selca,, if ever I get myself to actually pose nice for a selca..:))

my other New Year's Resolutions? hm...
it's all part of the getting-my-life-back project so.. yea..:))
I won't be revealing any of those Resolutions..:P I've never even written them down!
but I already know what I want to achieve during the year soooooooo...:)

okay so you must be wondering: WHAT THE HELL IS THE GETTING-MY-LIFE-BACK PROJECT??
well, I guess the title speaks for itself.
it's my own personal project wherein I will do everything it takes to collect all my missing pieces and maybe, most likely, gain new pieces of myself as this project progresses.
I don't know what the end result will be.
but I'm sure the 'me' waiting at the end of this project is someone more than the me right now.
we'll just have to wait and see how she'll be.:)
well for now phase one of the project is just enjoying life and trying my best in everything that I do, make sure I won't make any more mistakes that will only end up in regret and so far, in the eleven days into the new year, I've been fairing pretty well..:))
I'll just have to keep this up the next eleven months and I'll be a okay!:))))

erm... so about the title...
well, aside from the fact that the song I was listening to when I started the post was entitled that...
I guess I'm still unconsciously looking for that someone.:) just because...
but oh well, that can wait of course..:D
right now what I need to find and or gain are the lost pieces of me..
Epik High really inspired me for this project.
they have this song entitled Pieces of You, Tablo also wrote a book entitled like that.
and after thinking about it, I realized how many pieces of me have been lost in the past 16 years.
instead of continuously gaining new pieces, I've been constantly losing a lot of pieces and then gaining only some.
you don't understand, don't you?:))

just like in a puzzle, you can't complete the puzzle and see the whole image without all the pieces.
well, in my life's puzzle, I'm still looking for all the pieces I'm still missing and some, well, I've already lost..
or maybe they're just the wrong pieces...
anyways, I'm still looking for the pieces of me missing in my life's puzzle..
someday I'll be able to find all the pieces of me and I'll finally be complete..:)

song playing: MYK's Follow the Sun

ja.:*

song playing: Florence & The Machine's Kiss With a Fist

GOODBYE.
isn't it just the saddest word? it's the word I truly hate the most.
it's full of sadness and unspoken sorrow.
when you say goodbye to someone, you can't get them back.
once the word escapes your lips, there's no more pause, rewind and press play again.
I hate goodbye.
but why did I need to say it, TWICE even, to the friend who also happened to be the most important person in my life?

I just lost my Last chance. because I was too scared to take it.
I wanted to know what was waiting for me for both choices.
but with that fear, I already lost the bargain. how stupid of me, no?
I didn't cry when I found out I lost my final chance.
I didn't cry when he called me a dumb ass.
I cried when he told me that that message he just sent was the final message I will ever receive from him.

the goodbye scene was bound to happen.
I already foresaw that I was going to say that word to him.
someday. somehow.
I also foresaw that it'd be sometime during the Christmas vacation.
everything's going like how it played in my mind.
I was prepared for goodbye.
and goodbye prepared itself for me.
it deserved its own mini-series. of how the last five months presented itself.
it was like a play. it was almost imaginary.
it didn't feel real, to be honest.
the only things that served as evidence that the past five~seven months weren't a series of dreams and imaginations were the pictures, chats, and texts.
without those, it would seem that everything just happened while I was asleep.

maybe, I should erase everything?
make myself believe that everything was just a dream?
then I'd be able to finally wake up tomorrow.
and everything would finally be alright?
maybe. I hope so.

but I'm not crying.
my eyes are too tired from shedding too much tears the past few years.
and I was already prepared for goodbye.
I don't know when, nor how, but I was.

I'm just going to wake up tomorrow and hope that everything will be okay.
it's what he wants: for me to wake up.
it's what I want for myself.
I want to clean my room now.

the first step to cleaning your room is learning how to LET GO.

that's what I made up myself the last time I cleaned my room.
it didn't apply much the last time.
it'll apply more right now.
I should clean my room.
it's all part of the "getting-my-life-back" project.
clean your room, clean up your life.
get your pieces back. or at least find new pieces to replace the ones you lost in the process of pain.

I'll be okay.
I'm going to wake up tomorrow morning and prepare myself for everything.
I won't lose my chances again.
I don't want to lose my chances ever again.
it hurts to lose chances.
don't lose your chances, okay?

song playing: Cute is What We Aim For's Time

ja.

song playing: Ivy's Sensation

honestly I don't know what to write right now..
I just wanted to open blogger and write but I don't know what to write about...
I have too much stuff to do that I can't even afford to write a post..
but I'm just too confused,, I don't know what to put in those things I'm supposed to do..
maybe this little break is good??
or am I taking too many breaks?
hah! whatever.. I mean, nobody will care if I don't finish these.. it'll just be my life that'll be affected..
but still...

I wanna do a LOT of things!!
but I can't as of the moment...

I wanna clear my mind.. I dunno.. everything's been a blurrr lately..
just me, living everyday;; waking up, doing something, falling asleep, then waking up again..
it's like, nothing's really happening..
well, there are things happening,, I just don't feel them happening..
like, I should be super excited right now since me&Lei just watched New Moon yesterday,, that we were just at Sunken Garden for a good 30mins. laughing and talking and calling people...
haha I should be blogging about that, shouldn't I?
but it's like, when I got home,, it's like nothing really good happened..
maybe 'coz it's not the kind of good I've been hoping for??
yep maybe that's it..
the kind of good I've always been hoping for isn't quite happening;; in fact, it's not happening at all...
uhm.. anyways...

I find normal stuff a bit traumatic nowadays..
like love..
sometimes it just hurts so bad you don't wanna love anymore.. you'd just wish you were numb or something and just forget about everything...
like talking..
sometimes you just say the wrong things.. and end up hurting other people..
I don't like hurting people,, that's why I try my best not to say anything hurtful... and when I do,, I just feel like not talking at all..

hm..
I should just go now...

song playing: Ivy's 안돼요 (feat. Day Day)

ja..

no song playing,:)

uhm, I absolutely have NO idea whatsoever why I named my post like that.:))

hm,, well, everyone, including me, has realized something:: I read books at a slower rate now than last week.
I mean, I read three books last week. THREE!!
now I'm not even close to half of the book I'm reading right now; and it's almost a week!

PS, I Love You
-- Cecilia Ahern

well, if you think I'm disappointed with myself, the truth is I'm not..
you see, the reason why I've been reading at that fast rate is because of this... getting-my-life-back project.. I needed to force myself to bring out the happy emotions so I won't have to sulk the whole day. I needed to do something so I won't have to think about the things that make me crazy..
when I finished Sophie Kinsella's Remember Me, my fingers started twitching, I was becoming anxious.. I was thinking about the things that made me go crazy, deranged, and sad devastated the whole day..

I needed to read a gddmn book.

Lei saw me and said the same thing.. and when she sees me sad, she'll tell me to read..
I was beginning to depend on books for my gddmn happiness..:)) how crazy is that???

well, with me reading at a slower rate now, it just means that I need not depend too much on books for happiness.. I actually woke up smiling this morning!! a first in a while..
well, now you know how desperate I am..:))
I can't find my own happiness..

anyways!!
now I'm starting to lighten up and be a bit happier... I'm proud of myself!:))
I can wake up every morning now and not try to crawl under a rock.. or at least, I think I don't.
anyways, I'm just trying to make the best of the pieces of myself that I've got right now..

maybe I'm never meant to find/collect/pick up those pieces of me..
maybe they were meant to get detached from me..
maybe I'll gain new pieces..
maybe I can be happy without picking up the pieces I lost..
maybe I'll just be happy on my own..
someday I hope I'll be..:)

ja,,, I'll be going.. just because..:)

no song playing..

ja!♥♥♥:*

no song playing... someone's watching news..

I'm feeling irritated...
because... well, you remember mp3, right???
I added him on FB and blahblahblah...
well, I've been trying to talk to him.. okay, I've been irritating him.. but he just WON'T reply!!
I mean, I must look stupid in his FB page, always, well, almost, sending him IMs.. but he won't reply.
and! I saw his e-mail add on his info page when I suddenly wanted to look at people's info.. and I added him on Y!M.. but he DENIED my request!
I was honestly just pissed off right then and there. (it happened two days ago..)
I mean..
okay.

random fact about me #1: I CAN'T TALK STRAIGHT TO PEOPLE I DON'T KNOW. I mean, I can talk to them, but I can't make friends... usually I just wait for them to talk or make friends or it's not just gonna happen.. so me trying to talk to him is something really really really new. I just don't know what to say to make friends.. and yet he doesn't even recognize my small efforts.. well, maybe because they might be insignificant to him but whatever...

random fact about me #2: I'M CRAZY. well, I don't need to go to a center or something to get myself treated, but I don't know when to: stop talking, stop irritating, stop laughing, stop doing stuff once I find it comfortable to do so; which is why I don't usually do the talking nor start the conversations. and right now, it was me trying to start the conversations. okay, I've done it before, and usually the people I talk to reply, but well, he doesn't.

ANYWAYS!!>:|
I'm just really really irritated because it's really hard for me to start any conversation and be friends with people..
to be honest, before I went to that review center, the only people I know (aside from relatives etc etc.) are from UPIS.
so, I know that makes me such a loser but whatever. the point is I don't know how to make friends, okay???
I need to have small talk for like, AGES, before I can talk comfortably with people..

okay, I admit I have been stalker-ish with the way I act. but I told you, I DON'T KNOW HOW TO MAKE FRIENDS FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!!! if I only knew how I wouldn't be this crazy! but the truth is I don't. so I'm really gddmn sorry if I irritate people when I try to be friends with them.

damn it, I feel like crying already..

tell me how to make friends,,, be honest? be.. what??? well at first I wasn't even trying to irritate him. but then I realized he won't be replying to the messages, so I started irritating. I just don't know what the hell I should do.

when me and pencil still had, well, stuff to talk about, okay sorry I just feel like crying I've been reading our IMs... uhm anyways.. when we still had stuff to talk about it was usually a two-way thing... I'd say hey, he'd reply; I would ask something, he'd answer and maybe ask something back; we'd tell stuff, just stories about some stuff in our lives and all that... okay I just continued reading some more of our IMs and I can't take it... everything just used to be so fun.. we just used to talk about random stuff and I'd end up laughing for 5minutes because of some part of our conversation.. but well, everything's.. changed, now... he stopped telling me things.. he's been just so serious with everything.. I've been careful now with what I tell him coz I, well, kinda know that about 90% of him doesn't care about the things I'll be blabbing about.. he doesn't say bye now when he has to go.. most of his replies are only one letter: k.. and he doesn't talk to me anymore.. not the way it has been... it's like, I've been talking to him for years and the conversations have been fun but suddenly, it's just nothing anymore... it would last for hours but when you take out all the dead air time, it would just be worth about ten minutes.. I just don't tell anybody because I know that what feel like years, is only four months... yep, I just stared talking to him four months ago... and it's already felt like forever... and I kinda know that no matter what I do, I can't talk to him the way we talked two months ago anymore... he's now a different person to me, and I think just to ME. I don't think he wants to talk to me anymore... he doesn't want to talk to me... he.. he's different now; to me... ever since he's told me about that thing... I feel like, like, he thinks he doesn't really need to talk to me anymore...

okay I can't continue anymore I'm sorry.. I'm sorry I just went completely off topic... I just wanted to make a comparison but it ended up like this I'm so so sorry...
okay I just better go now...
I need to read a book... I really need to finish the product plan for baking and start reading a book... okay I really need a book now...

no song playing...
ja..

song playing: Girls' Generation's 웃자 (Be Happy)

a LOT of random things just made me so irritated so far into the week!

first up, formspring.me.:))
oh btw, just ask me anything here: http://www.formspring.me/akodawsileni.
it's about mp3. but never mind. I'm getting over it.:))

next up, VM!!!
okay, I think our teacher wants us to have this really formal recital where we only sing chorale songs instead of the way the seniors have been doing recitals since forever: group, duet, and solo performances from each student!!!
I wanna sing; and not in a chorale!!

------------------------

the only things that made me happy this week are: uploading photos, the questions Jona asked me at formspring, and the fact that SNSD's new album just dropped today.

oh well, just wanted to blog about it.
all better now, don't worry.:)

song playing: Girls' Generation's 카라멜 커피 (Talk To Me)

ja.:*


song playing: BoA's Possibility duet with 三浦大知 on heavy rotation

uhm.
have you ever pretended in front of a person?
like, you pretend you like them when you really don't? or pretend you're alright when you're not? or pretend you're happy when you're drowning in your own despair? or pretend you've nothing to worry about when you're thinking about everything?
well, it's like that with me. only I don't pretend in front of a person; but to people.
sometimes it's just so hard to show them how you really feel when they're thinking everything about you's just perfect. that you're just fine.
but you're not.

you can't tell them you're problems because they won't understand, they can't tell you things to make you feel better because they can't feel even just a bit of how you would feel.
plus they don't listen to you. whenever they have problems, you're there listening like it's the most important thing you'll ever hear in your entire lifetime.
but when it's your turn to talk, they don't listen. they find something else to talk about or continue talking about themselves. or they talk to someone else. and the emotions you're just dying to get out of your system gets trapped once again, and you tell them "next time" when you don't know when that next time will be.

the things you want to talk about may not be as deep or as important as what they're talking about, but to you they are.
and for them to get lost in other people's voices, that's hard.

I can't pretend I'm alright anymore. at least when I'm alone.
sometimes I just wanna run away from the world in front of me and just go anywhere.
I don't want to get lost in this world anymore.
whenever I pretend, I lose myself. I lose my pieces. and it hurts when I lose my pieces. a lot.
I lose my voice, my actions, myself.
people don't like it when they see me sad. so I continue staying happy for them.
I wear this smile and pretend my eyes are bright with glee. but they're not.

I don't wanna pretend anymore.
I need to get out. this world can never understand someone like me.

--------------------

random story.
we got our NCAE results two days ago.
and the fields of interest I got were 1.artistic and 2.social.
my mom saw and said...

"so, pwede ka arts or sa social... bagay talaga psychology sa'yo."

I choked.
it's like I never told them I really wanted to be a designer.
it's like being a designer isn't everything I've ever wanted since I was 9.
they just dismissed that fact. that I was truly meant for the arts.
actually, they never knew when I wanted to be a designer.
and I don't think they'll ever want to know.

because when they say they'll support me whatever decision I make, I never know if that's for the decisions I want or the decisions they want me to make.
I may be lucky that they're my parents, but sometimes, actually more often than sometimes, I don't know if I really am.
sometimes, I'm just choked.

and then when I leave the house, I feel choked some more.
but I can't tell people I'm choked.
they wouldn't like that.

and then I go on and pretend again.

ja.

song playing: Leighton Meester's Somebody to Love ft. Robin Thicke

새해 복 많이 받으세요!

okay, I know it's been like, FOREVER, since I've truly blogged..:))
but well, I've just been a bit busy with school plus the whole getting-my life-back project.:))

so,,, how has everyone been??
I mean, it's already 11 days into the new year!
has anyone started on their New Year's Resolutions??:))

as for me, well, I've already started last year..:))
I had a haircut last December 29, 2009.:)) well ofcourse I remember the date... my hair's so freaking short now!:))
I realized after the haircut that my hair's natural curls aren't bad; in fact, they look nice.
the hair stylist said I should have it relaxed or rebonded... but I don't think so... it looks pretty as is...:)
maybe I'll post a selca,, if ever I get myself to actually pose nice for a selca..:))

my other New Year's Resolutions? hm...
it's all part of the getting-my-life-back project so.. yea..:))
I won't be revealing any of those Resolutions..:P I've never even written them down!
but I already know what I want to achieve during the year soooooooo...:)

okay so you must be wondering: WHAT THE HELL IS THE GETTING-MY-LIFE-BACK PROJECT??
well, I guess the title speaks for itself.
it's my own personal project wherein I will do everything it takes to collect all my missing pieces and maybe, most likely, gain new pieces of myself as this project progresses.
I don't know what the end result will be.
but I'm sure the 'me' waiting at the end of this project is someone more than the me right now.
we'll just have to wait and see how she'll be.:)
well for now phase one of the project is just enjoying life and trying my best in everything that I do, make sure I won't make any more mistakes that will only end up in regret and so far, in the eleven days into the new year, I've been fairing pretty well..:))
I'll just have to keep this up the next eleven months and I'll be a okay!:))))

erm... so about the title...
well, aside from the fact that the song I was listening to when I started the post was entitled that...
I guess I'm still unconsciously looking for that someone.:) just because...
but oh well, that can wait of course..:D
right now what I need to find and or gain are the lost pieces of me..
Epik High really inspired me for this project.
they have this song entitled Pieces of You, Tablo also wrote a book entitled like that.
and after thinking about it, I realized how many pieces of me have been lost in the past 16 years.
instead of continuously gaining new pieces, I've been constantly losing a lot of pieces and then gaining only some.
you don't understand, don't you?:))

just like in a puzzle, you can't complete the puzzle and see the whole image without all the pieces.
well, in my life's puzzle, I'm still looking for all the pieces I'm still missing and some, well, I've already lost..
or maybe they're just the wrong pieces...
anyways, I'm still looking for the pieces of me missing in my life's puzzle..
someday I'll be able to find all the pieces of me and I'll finally be complete..:)

song playing: MYK's Follow the Sun

ja.:*

song playing: Florence & The Machine's Kiss With a Fist

GOODBYE.
isn't it just the saddest word? it's the word I truly hate the most.
it's full of sadness and unspoken sorrow.
when you say goodbye to someone, you can't get them back.
once the word escapes your lips, there's no more pause, rewind and press play again.
I hate goodbye.
but why did I need to say it, TWICE even, to the friend who also happened to be the most important person in my life?

I just lost my Last chance. because I was too scared to take it.
I wanted to know what was waiting for me for both choices.
but with that fear, I already lost the bargain. how stupid of me, no?
I didn't cry when I found out I lost my final chance.
I didn't cry when he called me a dumb ass.
I cried when he told me that that message he just sent was the final message I will ever receive from him.

the goodbye scene was bound to happen.
I already foresaw that I was going to say that word to him.
someday. somehow.
I also foresaw that it'd be sometime during the Christmas vacation.
everything's going like how it played in my mind.
I was prepared for goodbye.
and goodbye prepared itself for me.
it deserved its own mini-series. of how the last five months presented itself.
it was like a play. it was almost imaginary.
it didn't feel real, to be honest.
the only things that served as evidence that the past five~seven months weren't a series of dreams and imaginations were the pictures, chats, and texts.
without those, it would seem that everything just happened while I was asleep.

maybe, I should erase everything?
make myself believe that everything was just a dream?
then I'd be able to finally wake up tomorrow.
and everything would finally be alright?
maybe. I hope so.

but I'm not crying.
my eyes are too tired from shedding too much tears the past few years.
and I was already prepared for goodbye.
I don't know when, nor how, but I was.

I'm just going to wake up tomorrow and hope that everything will be okay.
it's what he wants: for me to wake up.
it's what I want for myself.
I want to clean my room now.

the first step to cleaning your room is learning how to LET GO.

that's what I made up myself the last time I cleaned my room.
it didn't apply much the last time.
it'll apply more right now.
I should clean my room.
it's all part of the "getting-my-life-back" project.
clean your room, clean up your life.
get your pieces back. or at least find new pieces to replace the ones you lost in the process of pain.

I'll be okay.
I'm going to wake up tomorrow morning and prepare myself for everything.
I won't lose my chances again.
I don't want to lose my chances ever again.
it hurts to lose chances.
don't lose your chances, okay?

song playing: Cute is What We Aim For's Time

ja.

song playing: Ivy's Sensation

honestly I don't know what to write right now..
I just wanted to open blogger and write but I don't know what to write about...
I have too much stuff to do that I can't even afford to write a post..
but I'm just too confused,, I don't know what to put in those things I'm supposed to do..
maybe this little break is good??
or am I taking too many breaks?
hah! whatever.. I mean, nobody will care if I don't finish these.. it'll just be my life that'll be affected..
but still...

I wanna do a LOT of things!!
but I can't as of the moment...

I wanna clear my mind.. I dunno.. everything's been a blurrr lately..
just me, living everyday;; waking up, doing something, falling asleep, then waking up again..
it's like, nothing's really happening..
well, there are things happening,, I just don't feel them happening..
like, I should be super excited right now since me&Lei just watched New Moon yesterday,, that we were just at Sunken Garden for a good 30mins. laughing and talking and calling people...
haha I should be blogging about that, shouldn't I?
but it's like, when I got home,, it's like nothing really good happened..
maybe 'coz it's not the kind of good I've been hoping for??
yep maybe that's it..
the kind of good I've always been hoping for isn't quite happening;; in fact, it's not happening at all...
uhm.. anyways...

I find normal stuff a bit traumatic nowadays..
like love..
sometimes it just hurts so bad you don't wanna love anymore.. you'd just wish you were numb or something and just forget about everything...
like talking..
sometimes you just say the wrong things.. and end up hurting other people..
I don't like hurting people,, that's why I try my best not to say anything hurtful... and when I do,, I just feel like not talking at all..

hm..
I should just go now...

song playing: Ivy's 안돼요 (feat. Day Day)

ja..

no song playing,:)

uhm, I absolutely have NO idea whatsoever why I named my post like that.:))

hm,, well, everyone, including me, has realized something:: I read books at a slower rate now than last week.
I mean, I read three books last week. THREE!!
now I'm not even close to half of the book I'm reading right now; and it's almost a week!

PS, I Love You
-- Cecilia Ahern

well, if you think I'm disappointed with myself, the truth is I'm not..
you see, the reason why I've been reading at that fast rate is because of this... getting-my-life-back project.. I needed to force myself to bring out the happy emotions so I won't have to sulk the whole day. I needed to do something so I won't have to think about the things that make me crazy..
when I finished Sophie Kinsella's Remember Me, my fingers started twitching, I was becoming anxious.. I was thinking about the things that made me go crazy, deranged, and sad devastated the whole day..

I needed to read a gddmn book.

Lei saw me and said the same thing.. and when she sees me sad, she'll tell me to read..
I was beginning to depend on books for my gddmn happiness..:)) how crazy is that???

well, with me reading at a slower rate now, it just means that I need not depend too much on books for happiness.. I actually woke up smiling this morning!! a first in a while..
well, now you know how desperate I am..:))
I can't find my own happiness..

anyways!!
now I'm starting to lighten up and be a bit happier... I'm proud of myself!:))
I can wake up every morning now and not try to crawl under a rock.. or at least, I think I don't.
anyways, I'm just trying to make the best of the pieces of myself that I've got right now..

maybe I'm never meant to find/collect/pick up those pieces of me..
maybe they were meant to get detached from me..
maybe I'll gain new pieces..
maybe I can be happy without picking up the pieces I lost..
maybe I'll just be happy on my own..
someday I hope I'll be..:)

ja,,, I'll be going.. just because..:)

no song playing..

ja!♥♥♥:*

no song playing... someone's watching news..

I'm feeling irritated...
because... well, you remember mp3, right???
I added him on FB and blahblahblah...
well, I've been trying to talk to him.. okay, I've been irritating him.. but he just WON'T reply!!
I mean, I must look stupid in his FB page, always, well, almost, sending him IMs.. but he won't reply.
and! I saw his e-mail add on his info page when I suddenly wanted to look at people's info.. and I added him on Y!M.. but he DENIED my request!
I was honestly just pissed off right then and there. (it happened two days ago..)
I mean..
okay.

random fact about me #1: I CAN'T TALK STRAIGHT TO PEOPLE I DON'T KNOW. I mean, I can talk to them, but I can't make friends... usually I just wait for them to talk or make friends or it's not just gonna happen.. so me trying to talk to him is something really really really new. I just don't know what to say to make friends.. and yet he doesn't even recognize my small efforts.. well, maybe because they might be insignificant to him but whatever...

random fact about me #2: I'M CRAZY. well, I don't need to go to a center or something to get myself treated, but I don't know when to: stop talking, stop irritating, stop laughing, stop doing stuff once I find it comfortable to do so; which is why I don't usually do the talking nor start the conversations. and right now, it was me trying to start the conversations. okay, I've done it before, and usually the people I talk to reply, but well, he doesn't.

ANYWAYS!!>:|
I'm just really really irritated because it's really hard for me to start any conversation and be friends with people..
to be honest, before I went to that review center, the only people I know (aside from relatives etc etc.) are from UPIS.
so, I know that makes me such a loser but whatever. the point is I don't know how to make friends, okay???
I need to have small talk for like, AGES, before I can talk comfortably with people..

okay, I admit I have been stalker-ish with the way I act. but I told you, I DON'T KNOW HOW TO MAKE FRIENDS FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!!! if I only knew how I wouldn't be this crazy! but the truth is I don't. so I'm really gddmn sorry if I irritate people when I try to be friends with them.

damn it, I feel like crying already..

tell me how to make friends,,, be honest? be.. what??? well at first I wasn't even trying to irritate him. but then I realized he won't be replying to the messages, so I started irritating. I just don't know what the hell I should do.

when me and pencil still had, well, stuff to talk about, okay sorry I just feel like crying I've been reading our IMs... uhm anyways.. when we still had stuff to talk about it was usually a two-way thing... I'd say hey, he'd reply; I would ask something, he'd answer and maybe ask something back; we'd tell stuff, just stories about some stuff in our lives and all that... okay I just continued reading some more of our IMs and I can't take it... everything just used to be so fun.. we just used to talk about random stuff and I'd end up laughing for 5minutes because of some part of our conversation.. but well, everything's.. changed, now... he stopped telling me things.. he's been just so serious with everything.. I've been careful now with what I tell him coz I, well, kinda know that about 90% of him doesn't care about the things I'll be blabbing about.. he doesn't say bye now when he has to go.. most of his replies are only one letter: k.. and he doesn't talk to me anymore.. not the way it has been... it's like, I've been talking to him for years and the conversations have been fun but suddenly, it's just nothing anymore... it would last for hours but when you take out all the dead air time, it would just be worth about ten minutes.. I just don't tell anybody because I know that what feel like years, is only four months... yep, I just stared talking to him four months ago... and it's already felt like forever... and I kinda know that no matter what I do, I can't talk to him the way we talked two months ago anymore... he's now a different person to me, and I think just to ME. I don't think he wants to talk to me anymore... he doesn't want to talk to me... he.. he's different now; to me... ever since he's told me about that thing... I feel like, like, he thinks he doesn't really need to talk to me anymore...

okay I can't continue anymore I'm sorry.. I'm sorry I just went completely off topic... I just wanted to make a comparison but it ended up like this I'm so so sorry...
okay I just better go now...
I need to read a book... I really need to finish the product plan for baking and start reading a book... okay I really need a book now...

no song playing...
ja..

**love Jona for my caricature~!**

what other people call me: | Leni | Iz | LeniIz | Leng | Lens | Aching Min Dong | Aching | Ching | Ching Min
where I study: | university of the philippines integrated school
sections: | k-magnolia | i-agila | ii-atis | iii-dagat | iv-patani | v-banahaw | vi-topas | vii-earth | viii-firefly | ix-calcium | x - acacia |
desired courses in college: | psychology | fashion design | music | photography | culinary arts
dreams: | go to Korea | have my own clothing line | meet my idols and inspirations esp. BoA | buy BoA's complete discography | write a song for BoA | graduate until college | get married
everyday necessity: | Cappuccino | earphones | BoAjjang wristband
unforgettable words: | Soliloquy | Melancholy

what I want for my birthday (or Christmas):
♥ BoA CD
♥ Epik High CD
♥ Girls' Generation CD ♦
♥ okay, any KPOP CD
♥ camera (digital, SLR, polaroid, lomo)
♥ a cute bag
♥ a cute shirt
♥ Ed Hardy shoes
♥ paper-making kit
♥ LOTS of colored pens
♥ BOOKS!!
♥ a DECENT mp3 player
♥ EARPHONES!!
♥ THIS.
more to follow dears..:D

other info:::
♥ I'm the Fashion Suicidal. (from Nana-chan)
♥ I'm BoAjjang's 13795 th member.
♥ I love pink, black, white, gold, yellow.
♥ I write songs.
♥ I design clothes.
♥ I try to live life.
♥ I live. I laugh. I LOVE.

my inspirations:::


BoA
official websites:::
Korea | Japan | America | Twitter


Epik High
official website

others I love:::


Girls' Generation (소녀시대)
official website


KARA
official website


TVXQ / DBSK / Tohoshinki
Korea | Japan


Super Junior
official website


f(x)
official website


Big Bang
official website


2NE1
official website


2PM
official website


4minute
official website

and more...

what album(s) I'm liking right now:::
definitely must-listen to's. :D


BoA 1^st US album repackage: BoA Deluxe


BoA 2^nd Japanese greatest hits album: BEST&USA


Epik High Book-Album: 魂: Map the Soul


Epik High 6^th album: [e]


Girls' Generation 1^st mini-album: Gee


Girls' Generation 2^nd mini-album: Genie


Super Junior 3^rd album repackage: SORRY, SORRY (Version C)


KARA 2^nd album: Revolution


Brown Eyed Girls 3^rd album: Sound G


G-Dragon 1^st solo album: Heartbreaker


4minute 1^st mini-album: For Muzik


f(x) digital single: LA chA TA





♥

This layout was designed by Tashiie. Theme is based on cyworld while the polka-dotted image is from lovelycore. You won't be able to find this image at cyworld 'cos I edited it. The image editing software used was Adobe Photoshop CS4.

And also, thank you to:

photobucket ;; blogskins ;; blogspot

Welcome to my blog. Scroll down and leave a comment on the tagboard.
Wander around and don't bash and spam. Share ♥! Thanks! given name: Leniniza C. dela Cruz
dob: 05281993
e-mail: leni_iz@yahoo.com

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BADTRIP.
sometimes...
Somebody to Love?
aftermath
uhm..
tsk tsk..:))
grr...
let's go PARTY.!:))
:))
work.