song playing: Florence & The Machine's Kiss With a Fist

GOODBYE.
isn't it just the saddest word? it's the word I truly hate the most.
it's full of sadness and unspoken sorrow.
when you say goodbye to someone, you can't get them back.
once the word escapes your lips, there's no more pause, rewind and press play again.
I hate goodbye.
but why did I need to say it, TWICE even, to the friend who also happened to be the most important person in my life?

I just lost my Last chance. because I was too scared to take it.
I wanted to know what was waiting for me for both choices.
but with that fear, I already lost the bargain. how stupid of me, no?
I didn't cry when I found out I lost my final chance.
I didn't cry when he called me a dumb ass.
I cried when he told me that that message he just sent was the final message I will ever receive from him.

the goodbye scene was bound to happen.
I already foresaw that I was going to say that word to him.
someday. somehow.
I also foresaw that it'd be sometime during the Christmas vacation.
everything's going like how it played in my mind.
I was prepared for goodbye.
and goodbye prepared itself for me.
it deserved its own mini-series. of how the last five months presented itself.
it was like a play. it was almost imaginary.
it didn't feel real, to be honest.
the only things that served as evidence that the past five~seven months weren't a series of dreams and imaginations were the pictures, chats, and texts.
without those, it would seem that everything just happened while I was asleep.

maybe, I should erase everything?
make myself believe that everything was just a dream?
then I'd be able to finally wake up tomorrow.
and everything would finally be alright?
maybe. I hope so.

but I'm not crying.
my eyes are too tired from shedding too much tears the past few years.
and I was already prepared for goodbye.
I don't know when, nor how, but I was.

I'm just going to wake up tomorrow and hope that everything will be okay.
it's what he wants: for me to wake up.
it's what I want for myself.
I want to clean my room now.

the first step to cleaning your room is learning how to LET GO.

that's what I made up myself the last time I cleaned my room.
it didn't apply much the last time.
it'll apply more right now.
I should clean my room.
it's all part of the "getting-my-life-back" project.
clean your room, clean up your life.
get your pieces back. or at least find new pieces to replace the ones you lost in the process of pain.

I'll be okay.
I'm going to wake up tomorrow morning and prepare myself for everything.
I won't lose my chances again.
I don't want to lose my chances ever again.
it hurts to lose chances.
don't lose your chances, okay?

song playing: Cute is What We Aim For's Time

ja.

song playing: Ivy's Sensation

honestly I don't know what to write right now..
I just wanted to open blogger and write but I don't know what to write about...
I have too much stuff to do that I can't even afford to write a post..
but I'm just too confused,, I don't know what to put in those things I'm supposed to do..
maybe this little break is good??
or am I taking too many breaks?
hah! whatever.. I mean, nobody will care if I don't finish these.. it'll just be my life that'll be affected..
but still...

I wanna do a LOT of things!!
but I can't as of the moment...

I wanna clear my mind.. I dunno.. everything's been a blurrr lately..
just me, living everyday;; waking up, doing something, falling asleep, then waking up again..
it's like, nothing's really happening..
well, there are things happening,, I just don't feel them happening..
like, I should be super excited right now since me&Lei just watched New Moon yesterday,, that we were just at Sunken Garden for a good 30mins. laughing and talking and calling people...
haha I should be blogging about that, shouldn't I?
but it's like, when I got home,, it's like nothing really good happened..
maybe 'coz it's not the kind of good I've been hoping for??
yep maybe that's it..
the kind of good I've always been hoping for isn't quite happening;; in fact, it's not happening at all...
uhm.. anyways...

I find normal stuff a bit traumatic nowadays..
like love..
sometimes it just hurts so bad you don't wanna love anymore.. you'd just wish you were numb or something and just forget about everything...
like talking..
sometimes you just say the wrong things.. and end up hurting other people..
I don't like hurting people,, that's why I try my best not to say anything hurtful... and when I do,, I just feel like not talking at all..

hm..
I should just go now...

song playing: Ivy's 안돼요 (feat. Day Day)

ja..

no song playing,:)

uhm, I absolutely have NO idea whatsoever why I named my post like that.:))

hm,, well, everyone, including me, has realized something:: I read books at a slower rate now than last week.
I mean, I read three books last week. THREE!!
now I'm not even close to half of the book I'm reading right now; and it's almost a week!

PS, I Love You
-- Cecilia Ahern

well, if you think I'm disappointed with myself, the truth is I'm not..
you see, the reason why I've been reading at that fast rate is because of this... getting-my-life-back project.. I needed to force myself to bring out the happy emotions so I won't have to sulk the whole day. I needed to do something so I won't have to think about the things that make me crazy..
when I finished Sophie Kinsella's Remember Me, my fingers started twitching, I was becoming anxious.. I was thinking about the things that made me go crazy, deranged, and sad devastated the whole day..

I needed to read a gddmn book.

Lei saw me and said the same thing.. and when she sees me sad, she'll tell me to read..
I was beginning to depend on books for my gddmn happiness..:)) how crazy is that???

well, with me reading at a slower rate now, it just means that I need not depend too much on books for happiness.. I actually woke up smiling this morning!! a first in a while..
well, now you know how desperate I am..:))
I can't find my own happiness..

anyways!!
now I'm starting to lighten up and be a bit happier... I'm proud of myself!:))
I can wake up every morning now and not try to crawl under a rock.. or at least, I think I don't.
anyways, I'm just trying to make the best of the pieces of myself that I've got right now..

maybe I'm never meant to find/collect/pick up those pieces of me..
maybe they were meant to get detached from me..
maybe I'll gain new pieces..
maybe I can be happy without picking up the pieces I lost..
maybe I'll just be happy on my own..
someday I hope I'll be..:)

ja,,, I'll be going.. just because..:)

no song playing..

ja!♥♥♥:*

no song playing... someone's watching news..

I'm feeling irritated...
because... well, you remember mp3, right???
I added him on FB and blahblahblah...
well, I've been trying to talk to him.. okay, I've been irritating him.. but he just WON'T reply!!
I mean, I must look stupid in his FB page, always, well, almost, sending him IMs.. but he won't reply.
and! I saw his e-mail add on his info page when I suddenly wanted to look at people's info.. and I added him on Y!M.. but he DENIED my request!
I was honestly just pissed off right then and there. (it happened two days ago..)
I mean..
okay.

random fact about me #1: I CAN'T TALK STRAIGHT TO PEOPLE I DON'T KNOW. I mean, I can talk to them, but I can't make friends... usually I just wait for them to talk or make friends or it's not just gonna happen.. so me trying to talk to him is something really really really new. I just don't know what to say to make friends.. and yet he doesn't even recognize my small efforts.. well, maybe because they might be insignificant to him but whatever...

random fact about me #2: I'M CRAZY. well, I don't need to go to a center or something to get myself treated, but I don't know when to: stop talking, stop irritating, stop laughing, stop doing stuff once I find it comfortable to do so; which is why I don't usually do the talking nor start the conversations. and right now, it was me trying to start the conversations. okay, I've done it before, and usually the people I talk to reply, but well, he doesn't.

ANYWAYS!!>:|
I'm just really really irritated because it's really hard for me to start any conversation and be friends with people..
to be honest, before I went to that review center, the only people I know (aside from relatives etc etc.) are from UPIS.
so, I know that makes me such a loser but whatever. the point is I don't know how to make friends, okay???
I need to have small talk for like, AGES, before I can talk comfortably with people..

okay, I admit I have been stalker-ish with the way I act. but I told you, I DON'T KNOW HOW TO MAKE FRIENDS FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!!! if I only knew how I wouldn't be this crazy! but the truth is I don't. so I'm really gddmn sorry if I irritate people when I try to be friends with them.

damn it, I feel like crying already..

tell me how to make friends,,, be honest? be.. what??? well at first I wasn't even trying to irritate him. but then I realized he won't be replying to the messages, so I started irritating. I just don't know what the hell I should do.

when me and pencil still had, well, stuff to talk about, okay sorry I just feel like crying I've been reading our IMs... uhm anyways.. when we still had stuff to talk about it was usually a two-way thing... I'd say hey, he'd reply; I would ask something, he'd answer and maybe ask something back; we'd tell stuff, just stories about some stuff in our lives and all that... okay I just continued reading some more of our IMs and I can't take it... everything just used to be so fun.. we just used to talk about random stuff and I'd end up laughing for 5minutes because of some part of our conversation.. but well, everything's.. changed, now... he stopped telling me things.. he's been just so serious with everything.. I've been careful now with what I tell him coz I, well, kinda know that about 90% of him doesn't care about the things I'll be blabbing about.. he doesn't say bye now when he has to go.. most of his replies are only one letter: k.. and he doesn't talk to me anymore.. not the way it has been... it's like, I've been talking to him for years and the conversations have been fun but suddenly, it's just nothing anymore... it would last for hours but when you take out all the dead air time, it would just be worth about ten minutes.. I just don't tell anybody because I know that what feel like years, is only four months... yep, I just stared talking to him four months ago... and it's already felt like forever... and I kinda know that no matter what I do, I can't talk to him the way we talked two months ago anymore... he's now a different person to me, and I think just to ME. I don't think he wants to talk to me anymore... he doesn't want to talk to me... he.. he's different now; to me... ever since he's told me about that thing... I feel like, like, he thinks he doesn't really need to talk to me anymore...

okay I can't continue anymore I'm sorry.. I'm sorry I just went completely off topic... I just wanted to make a comparison but it ended up like this I'm so so sorry...
okay I just better go now...
I need to read a book... I really need to finish the product plan for baking and start reading a book... okay I really need a book now...

no song playing...
ja..

song playing: "2PM" 's Heartbeat

haha I can't help it, I'm sorry... they're still 1:59PM without Jay...:D
let's hope the time will be 2PM soon..:)

haha anyways!:P
hm.. what to blog about??:))
I just suddenly decided I'll write a blog post without anything in mind..:))
oh oh!!!!!:DDDD

I finished a book in SIX HOURS!:)) yay me!
actually, it wasn't six hours straight... since I was at school..:))
I started around 730AM and finished around 145PM...:)) while classes were going on..=))
well, nothing interesting happened in school today so I just read the book...

Top Ten Uses for an Unworn Prom Dress
-- Tina Ferraro

I absolutely LOVE it!! I mean,, I couldn't put the book down! I was only planning on starting the book that's why I brought it to school I never imagined I'd finish it that fast!!
haha I'm actually proud of myself... finishing a book that fast... and it took my mind off things I've been thinking of... I plan on doing it again tomorrow tbh...:)) just light reads like that book... I don't want to keep thinking about the stuff as I'm reading..:)

hmm... I'll look for a book to read tomorrow...:) I should keep doing this until I can get things off my mind independently.. I mean, I don't need to read a book or try to listen to lectures in vain...
just time... I only need time to get back on my own two feet.. to not find reasons to smile and/or laugh.. to just be happy without reason.. it's been a while since it's been like that.. (maybe never?:P I dunno..)
I just need time.. I can't not go to school because I can't afford it.. so I'll just do the "recreation" thing at school.. I'll just read and read books until I get better..

I only need TIME.
I know it's a lot to ask..
but right now that's everything I need.. I can't ask for anything more.. (well, money is a different issue.. I need money too but that's irrelevant right now..)
anyways..
my life is such a loser I can't even do things on my own..:))
I just need time to get back up.. I feel like dragging my two feet, or crawling, the day away.. maybe hide under a rock or something.. or lock myself in my room and listen to songs that will make me go insane..
anyways~~

pfft.. whatever!:))
why is that my title???:))
well, it's still TOP SECRET for now!! ask Chad or Jona if you wanna know!:)) but can't ask them, can you?:))
I'll spill everything once it's all final...:D

haha anyways again..:)))))
I'll be going now... haha! can't think of other things to talk about..:D
maybe I'll tell stories this saturday..:) stuff will happen... I'm.. about.. 84% sure...:))

okay! I'll really be going now!

song playing: 2PM's Only You (Acoustic Mix)

ja~!:* ♥♥

song playing: Girls' Generation's Girlfriend

LOL I'm sick today...:))
as in literally sick... fever, cough, stuff like that...
I hate it...
I only get sick like 2~3 times every year but every time I do it feels like I'm dying...
so I just had to miss class today.. (and the first day of Baking 2!!!!:c)

I think this is a good thing actually.. I got to sleep for more than eight hours (the first in a while) and I was "craving" for a week break... just to get my life back...

I called him again yesterday... I just feel so stupid that I even asked Eijei to confiscate my phone for a full week.:))
well, I could've done it. but I thought, "it's the UPIS celebration soon, stupid! you have to contact people and obviously, you'll need that damned phone of yours..:))"

the reason why I need that week-long break is because I need to redeem myself.
I'm thinking, how can I be cum laude when I graduate, no, how can I graduate if my mind's not focused where it should be?
I need to get my life back because if I don't it'd mean chaos.
I wanna read a few books, make paper (I want a paper-making kit!!:)) ), work out, think straight, so I can get back on my own two feet.

I'm not saying that he's the reason why I need this. it's my own problem. I think too much about him that I'm starting to lose myself. I've always believed that when you love someone, give him/her your 90%, then leave that 10% for you... so when your heart gets broken, you won't feel too bad coz you still have that 10% left for yourself...

but now I feel like I've already given that 100% and 100% more...
plus 100% of my attention EACH to him, my pKA duties, still my MC1 duties, and my studies. okay, screw the studies part, I only give about 70% to it... oh right. and 130% to my love of KPOP.

so that's 200% of my heart and 500% of my attention.

where does this leave me?
I dunno...
that's why I need the break soooooo bad.
I need to see if I'm giving all that attention to the right places...
I'm not saying that I don't need to give attention to those things...
I'm not even giving 1% to myself...:))
sometimes I don't want to sleep anymore so I can do everything I need to do...
I haven't even blogged lately...
I'm thinking now that it's a good thing I got sick. I may have missed a LOT of things in school, but at least I can think about what I really need to think about.
maybe I can have time for myself when I get a bit better (hopefully by tomorrow) and clean up my room..:))
my room's just been so messy lately... papers and stuff everywhere... I'm even sleeping beside my school bag and cellphone charger..:))
I need to get a bit better first before I move, I don't wanna get sick again. I can't afford that anymore... I can't even afford it from the beginning...
oh well...

I just wanted to take this opportunity to blog... like I said, I haven't blogged lately...
right now I need to get cellphone load so I can text the people I need to text for UPIS week..
and ask for notes..:)) I wanna have complete notes this sem... so I can get the cum laude position when I graduate...
I wonder what they did in Science&Math&English&PE&Econ&Baking today~~
oh well...

AH!!
I forgot to blog last night! I was too sick...

HAPPY 23RD BIRTHDAY TO MY BIGGEST INSPIRATION, ASIA'S POP PRINCESS BoA!!!!!
more years of success and LOVE to come!!!

sorry, no pic... I'm using my sister's laptop..:D

song playing: Paramore's Brick by Boring Brick

ja~~:*

song playing: KARA's 똑 같은 맘 (Same Heart)

annyeong!!
it's been a while since my last blog..
just been sooo busy nowadays..
too much work... with MC1 and pKA...
for starters..

it's finally the SECOND SEMESTER next week! yay!!!
months closer to that graduation!:D
but still a LOT more work to do..

the UPIS celebration will be held from December 15 to 17, 2009...
and since well, I'm part of pKA, we have to really work hard to make it the BEST!
so, since I'm the bus.man,,, I'm in-charge of coordinating with the booths of the school orgs, contacting concessionaires, contacting sponsors, coordinating with the different people for the ACLE or alternative classroom learning experience... which just means I'll really be busy this November..:))
but not just me, of course. everyone from pKA will be really busy these days so, NO DISTRACTIONS PLEASE! :))

another thing?
taking of yearbook photos have already started and MC1 is in-charge of it...
even though the first semester is already over we're still the ones in-charge of the picture-taking...
and also we'll still be helping MC2 with the actual yearbook...:))
which just means we'll be hanging around the MC room more often than we should..:))

I just hope everything goes well..
I have to do my very best in what I'm doing right now so I can graduate without any regrets..

I wanna help MC make the BEST yearbook in UPIS; or at least the yearbook be as good as batch 2006's yearbook...
I wanna help pKA help the school, plan the BEST UPIS celebration in years, and plan more activities for the betterment of the school...
I, with my groupmates, wanna finish that research paper in English!
I also wanna make a good paper in Filipino.. I know we have to do one..
I wanna get a line of 8 in Econ!!!:))
I wanna pass ALL my subjects with flying colors and graduate with honors...
and I wanna set my future straight. once this is all over I can concentrate on studying fashion and Korean! yay!!

a Lot of things I want, no? well, I wanna accomplish all these things so, like I said, I won't regret anything..:)

anyways...
I wanna learn how to not think of him all the time..:)
it's just that I know that if I think of him too much, I'll end up not accomplishing ANY of those goals.
I wanna think of him, but not as much as now.:))
you don't get what I mean, do you?:))

before, there was this voice in my head, telling me that I should be doing this and that.
since I found out what I felt, that voice suddenly disappeared and was replaced by this other voice screaming to me things that won't really 100% help me with those goals aforementioned...
so, I just wanna bring that voice back in my head..
I think it's starting to come back... I hope it'll be the stronger voice soon, than the other one..:)
I have to be focused with what I need to do as opposed to what I want to do... well, the things I wanna do are also the things I need to do...
I just have to stop myself from staring into nothingness while listening to Taylor Swift songs at night..=))

anyways... I'll be getting back to work!:D

song playing: BoA's IZM ft. VERBAL from m-flo

ja!!!!♥♥♥:*

song playing: Florence & The Machine's Kiss With a Fist

GOODBYE.
isn't it just the saddest word? it's the word I truly hate the most.
it's full of sadness and unspoken sorrow.
when you say goodbye to someone, you can't get them back.
once the word escapes your lips, there's no more pause, rewind and press play again.
I hate goodbye.
but why did I need to say it, TWICE even, to the friend who also happened to be the most important person in my life?

I just lost my Last chance. because I was too scared to take it.
I wanted to know what was waiting for me for both choices.
but with that fear, I already lost the bargain. how stupid of me, no?
I didn't cry when I found out I lost my final chance.
I didn't cry when he called me a dumb ass.
I cried when he told me that that message he just sent was the final message I will ever receive from him.

the goodbye scene was bound to happen.
I already foresaw that I was going to say that word to him.
someday. somehow.
I also foresaw that it'd be sometime during the Christmas vacation.
everything's going like how it played in my mind.
I was prepared for goodbye.
and goodbye prepared itself for me.
it deserved its own mini-series. of how the last five months presented itself.
it was like a play. it was almost imaginary.
it didn't feel real, to be honest.
the only things that served as evidence that the past five~seven months weren't a series of dreams and imaginations were the pictures, chats, and texts.
without those, it would seem that everything just happened while I was asleep.

maybe, I should erase everything?
make myself believe that everything was just a dream?
then I'd be able to finally wake up tomorrow.
and everything would finally be alright?
maybe. I hope so.

but I'm not crying.
my eyes are too tired from shedding too much tears the past few years.
and I was already prepared for goodbye.
I don't know when, nor how, but I was.

I'm just going to wake up tomorrow and hope that everything will be okay.
it's what he wants: for me to wake up.
it's what I want for myself.
I want to clean my room now.

the first step to cleaning your room is learning how to LET GO.

that's what I made up myself the last time I cleaned my room.
it didn't apply much the last time.
it'll apply more right now.
I should clean my room.
it's all part of the "getting-my-life-back" project.
clean your room, clean up your life.
get your pieces back. or at least find new pieces to replace the ones you lost in the process of pain.

I'll be okay.
I'm going to wake up tomorrow morning and prepare myself for everything.
I won't lose my chances again.
I don't want to lose my chances ever again.
it hurts to lose chances.
don't lose your chances, okay?

song playing: Cute is What We Aim For's Time

ja.

song playing: Ivy's Sensation

honestly I don't know what to write right now..
I just wanted to open blogger and write but I don't know what to write about...
I have too much stuff to do that I can't even afford to write a post..
but I'm just too confused,, I don't know what to put in those things I'm supposed to do..
maybe this little break is good??
or am I taking too many breaks?
hah! whatever.. I mean, nobody will care if I don't finish these.. it'll just be my life that'll be affected..
but still...

I wanna do a LOT of things!!
but I can't as of the moment...

I wanna clear my mind.. I dunno.. everything's been a blurrr lately..
just me, living everyday;; waking up, doing something, falling asleep, then waking up again..
it's like, nothing's really happening..
well, there are things happening,, I just don't feel them happening..
like, I should be super excited right now since me&Lei just watched New Moon yesterday,, that we were just at Sunken Garden for a good 30mins. laughing and talking and calling people...
haha I should be blogging about that, shouldn't I?
but it's like, when I got home,, it's like nothing really good happened..
maybe 'coz it's not the kind of good I've been hoping for??
yep maybe that's it..
the kind of good I've always been hoping for isn't quite happening;; in fact, it's not happening at all...
uhm.. anyways...

I find normal stuff a bit traumatic nowadays..
like love..
sometimes it just hurts so bad you don't wanna love anymore.. you'd just wish you were numb or something and just forget about everything...
like talking..
sometimes you just say the wrong things.. and end up hurting other people..
I don't like hurting people,, that's why I try my best not to say anything hurtful... and when I do,, I just feel like not talking at all..

hm..
I should just go now...

song playing: Ivy's 안돼요 (feat. Day Day)

ja..

no song playing,:)

uhm, I absolutely have NO idea whatsoever why I named my post like that.:))

hm,, well, everyone, including me, has realized something:: I read books at a slower rate now than last week.
I mean, I read three books last week. THREE!!
now I'm not even close to half of the book I'm reading right now; and it's almost a week!

PS, I Love You
-- Cecilia Ahern

well, if you think I'm disappointed with myself, the truth is I'm not..
you see, the reason why I've been reading at that fast rate is because of this... getting-my-life-back project.. I needed to force myself to bring out the happy emotions so I won't have to sulk the whole day. I needed to do something so I won't have to think about the things that make me crazy..
when I finished Sophie Kinsella's Remember Me, my fingers started twitching, I was becoming anxious.. I was thinking about the things that made me go crazy, deranged, and sad devastated the whole day..

I needed to read a gddmn book.

Lei saw me and said the same thing.. and when she sees me sad, she'll tell me to read..
I was beginning to depend on books for my gddmn happiness..:)) how crazy is that???

well, with me reading at a slower rate now, it just means that I need not depend too much on books for happiness.. I actually woke up smiling this morning!! a first in a while..
well, now you know how desperate I am..:))
I can't find my own happiness..

anyways!!
now I'm starting to lighten up and be a bit happier... I'm proud of myself!:))
I can wake up every morning now and not try to crawl under a rock.. or at least, I think I don't.
anyways, I'm just trying to make the best of the pieces of myself that I've got right now..

maybe I'm never meant to find/collect/pick up those pieces of me..
maybe they were meant to get detached from me..
maybe I'll gain new pieces..
maybe I can be happy without picking up the pieces I lost..
maybe I'll just be happy on my own..
someday I hope I'll be..:)

ja,,, I'll be going.. just because..:)

no song playing..

ja!♥♥♥:*

no song playing... someone's watching news..

I'm feeling irritated...
because... well, you remember mp3, right???
I added him on FB and blahblahblah...
well, I've been trying to talk to him.. okay, I've been irritating him.. but he just WON'T reply!!
I mean, I must look stupid in his FB page, always, well, almost, sending him IMs.. but he won't reply.
and! I saw his e-mail add on his info page when I suddenly wanted to look at people's info.. and I added him on Y!M.. but he DENIED my request!
I was honestly just pissed off right then and there. (it happened two days ago..)
I mean..
okay.

random fact about me #1: I CAN'T TALK STRAIGHT TO PEOPLE I DON'T KNOW. I mean, I can talk to them, but I can't make friends... usually I just wait for them to talk or make friends or it's not just gonna happen.. so me trying to talk to him is something really really really new. I just don't know what to say to make friends.. and yet he doesn't even recognize my small efforts.. well, maybe because they might be insignificant to him but whatever...

random fact about me #2: I'M CRAZY. well, I don't need to go to a center or something to get myself treated, but I don't know when to: stop talking, stop irritating, stop laughing, stop doing stuff once I find it comfortable to do so; which is why I don't usually do the talking nor start the conversations. and right now, it was me trying to start the conversations. okay, I've done it before, and usually the people I talk to reply, but well, he doesn't.

ANYWAYS!!>:|
I'm just really really irritated because it's really hard for me to start any conversation and be friends with people..
to be honest, before I went to that review center, the only people I know (aside from relatives etc etc.) are from UPIS.
so, I know that makes me such a loser but whatever. the point is I don't know how to make friends, okay???
I need to have small talk for like, AGES, before I can talk comfortably with people..

okay, I admit I have been stalker-ish with the way I act. but I told you, I DON'T KNOW HOW TO MAKE FRIENDS FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!!! if I only knew how I wouldn't be this crazy! but the truth is I don't. so I'm really gddmn sorry if I irritate people when I try to be friends with them.

damn it, I feel like crying already..

tell me how to make friends,,, be honest? be.. what??? well at first I wasn't even trying to irritate him. but then I realized he won't be replying to the messages, so I started irritating. I just don't know what the hell I should do.

when me and pencil still had, well, stuff to talk about, okay sorry I just feel like crying I've been reading our IMs... uhm anyways.. when we still had stuff to talk about it was usually a two-way thing... I'd say hey, he'd reply; I would ask something, he'd answer and maybe ask something back; we'd tell stuff, just stories about some stuff in our lives and all that... okay I just continued reading some more of our IMs and I can't take it... everything just used to be so fun.. we just used to talk about random stuff and I'd end up laughing for 5minutes because of some part of our conversation.. but well, everything's.. changed, now... he stopped telling me things.. he's been just so serious with everything.. I've been careful now with what I tell him coz I, well, kinda know that about 90% of him doesn't care about the things I'll be blabbing about.. he doesn't say bye now when he has to go.. most of his replies are only one letter: k.. and he doesn't talk to me anymore.. not the way it has been... it's like, I've been talking to him for years and the conversations have been fun but suddenly, it's just nothing anymore... it would last for hours but when you take out all the dead air time, it would just be worth about ten minutes.. I just don't tell anybody because I know that what feel like years, is only four months... yep, I just stared talking to him four months ago... and it's already felt like forever... and I kinda know that no matter what I do, I can't talk to him the way we talked two months ago anymore... he's now a different person to me, and I think just to ME. I don't think he wants to talk to me anymore... he doesn't want to talk to me... he.. he's different now; to me... ever since he's told me about that thing... I feel like, like, he thinks he doesn't really need to talk to me anymore...

okay I can't continue anymore I'm sorry.. I'm sorry I just went completely off topic... I just wanted to make a comparison but it ended up like this I'm so so sorry...
okay I just better go now...
I need to read a book... I really need to finish the product plan for baking and start reading a book... okay I really need a book now...

no song playing...
ja..

song playing: "2PM" 's Heartbeat

haha I can't help it, I'm sorry... they're still 1:59PM without Jay...:D
let's hope the time will be 2PM soon..:)

haha anyways!:P
hm.. what to blog about??:))
I just suddenly decided I'll write a blog post without anything in mind..:))
oh oh!!!!!:DDDD

I finished a book in SIX HOURS!:)) yay me!
actually, it wasn't six hours straight... since I was at school..:))
I started around 730AM and finished around 145PM...:)) while classes were going on..=))
well, nothing interesting happened in school today so I just read the book...

Top Ten Uses for an Unworn Prom Dress
-- Tina Ferraro

I absolutely LOVE it!! I mean,, I couldn't put the book down! I was only planning on starting the book that's why I brought it to school I never imagined I'd finish it that fast!!
haha I'm actually proud of myself... finishing a book that fast... and it took my mind off things I've been thinking of... I plan on doing it again tomorrow tbh...:)) just light reads like that book... I don't want to keep thinking about the stuff as I'm reading..:)

hmm... I'll look for a book to read tomorrow...:) I should keep doing this until I can get things off my mind independently.. I mean, I don't need to read a book or try to listen to lectures in vain...
just time... I only need time to get back on my own two feet.. to not find reasons to smile and/or laugh.. to just be happy without reason.. it's been a while since it's been like that.. (maybe never?:P I dunno..)
I just need time.. I can't not go to school because I can't afford it.. so I'll just do the "recreation" thing at school.. I'll just read and read books until I get better..

I only need TIME.
I know it's a lot to ask..
but right now that's everything I need.. I can't ask for anything more.. (well, money is a different issue.. I need money too but that's irrelevant right now..)
anyways..
my life is such a loser I can't even do things on my own..:))
I just need time to get back up.. I feel like dragging my two feet, or crawling, the day away.. maybe hide under a rock or something.. or lock myself in my room and listen to songs that will make me go insane..
anyways~~

pfft.. whatever!:))
why is that my title???:))
well, it's still TOP SECRET for now!! ask Chad or Jona if you wanna know!:)) but can't ask them, can you?:))
I'll spill everything once it's all final...:D

haha anyways again..:)))))
I'll be going now... haha! can't think of other things to talk about..:D
maybe I'll tell stories this saturday..:) stuff will happen... I'm.. about.. 84% sure...:))

okay! I'll really be going now!

song playing: 2PM's Only You (Acoustic Mix)

ja~!:* ♥♥

song playing: Girls' Generation's Girlfriend

LOL I'm sick today...:))
as in literally sick... fever, cough, stuff like that...
I hate it...
I only get sick like 2~3 times every year but every time I do it feels like I'm dying...
so I just had to miss class today.. (and the first day of Baking 2!!!!:c)

I think this is a good thing actually.. I got to sleep for more than eight hours (the first in a while) and I was "craving" for a week break... just to get my life back...

I called him again yesterday... I just feel so stupid that I even asked Eijei to confiscate my phone for a full week.:))
well, I could've done it. but I thought, "it's the UPIS celebration soon, stupid! you have to contact people and obviously, you'll need that damned phone of yours..:))"

the reason why I need that week-long break is because I need to redeem myself.
I'm thinking, how can I be cum laude when I graduate, no, how can I graduate if my mind's not focused where it should be?
I need to get my life back because if I don't it'd mean chaos.
I wanna read a few books, make paper (I want a paper-making kit!!:)) ), work out, think straight, so I can get back on my own two feet.

I'm not saying that he's the reason why I need this. it's my own problem. I think too much about him that I'm starting to lose myself. I've always believed that when you love someone, give him/her your 90%, then leave that 10% for you... so when your heart gets broken, you won't feel too bad coz you still have that 10% left for yourself...

but now I feel like I've already given that 100% and 100% more...
plus 100% of my attention EACH to him, my pKA duties, still my MC1 duties, and my studies. okay, screw the studies part, I only give about 70% to it... oh right. and 130% to my love of KPOP.

so that's 200% of my heart and 500% of my attention.

where does this leave me?
I dunno...
that's why I need the break soooooo bad.
I need to see if I'm giving all that attention to the right places...
I'm not saying that I don't need to give attention to those things...
I'm not even giving 1% to myself...:))
sometimes I don't want to sleep anymore so I can do everything I need to do...
I haven't even blogged lately...
I'm thinking now that it's a good thing I got sick. I may have missed a LOT of things in school, but at least I can think about what I really need to think about.
maybe I can have time for myself when I get a bit better (hopefully by tomorrow) and clean up my room..:))
my room's just been so messy lately... papers and stuff everywhere... I'm even sleeping beside my school bag and cellphone charger..:))
I need to get a bit better first before I move, I don't wanna get sick again. I can't afford that anymore... I can't even afford it from the beginning...
oh well...

I just wanted to take this opportunity to blog... like I said, I haven't blogged lately...
right now I need to get cellphone load so I can text the people I need to text for UPIS week..
and ask for notes..:)) I wanna have complete notes this sem... so I can get the cum laude position when I graduate...
I wonder what they did in Science&Math&English&PE&Econ&Baking today~~
oh well...

AH!!
I forgot to blog last night! I was too sick...

HAPPY 23RD BIRTHDAY TO MY BIGGEST INSPIRATION, ASIA'S POP PRINCESS BoA!!!!!
more years of success and LOVE to come!!!

sorry, no pic... I'm using my sister's laptop..:D

song playing: Paramore's Brick by Boring Brick

ja~~:*

song playing: KARA's 똑 같은 맘 (Same Heart)

annyeong!!
it's been a while since my last blog..
just been sooo busy nowadays..
too much work... with MC1 and pKA...
for starters..

it's finally the SECOND SEMESTER next week! yay!!!
months closer to that graduation!:D
but still a LOT more work to do..

the UPIS celebration will be held from December 15 to 17, 2009...
and since well, I'm part of pKA, we have to really work hard to make it the BEST!
so, since I'm the bus.man,,, I'm in-charge of coordinating with the booths of the school orgs, contacting concessionaires, contacting sponsors, coordinating with the different people for the ACLE or alternative classroom learning experience... which just means I'll really be busy this November..:))
but not just me, of course. everyone from pKA will be really busy these days so, NO DISTRACTIONS PLEASE! :))

another thing?
taking of yearbook photos have already started and MC1 is in-charge of it...
even though the first semester is already over we're still the ones in-charge of the picture-taking...
and also we'll still be helping MC2 with the actual yearbook...:))
which just means we'll be hanging around the MC room more often than we should..:))

I just hope everything goes well..
I have to do my very best in what I'm doing right now so I can graduate without any regrets..

I wanna help MC make the BEST yearbook in UPIS; or at least the yearbook be as good as batch 2006's yearbook...
I wanna help pKA help the school, plan the BEST UPIS celebration in years, and plan more activities for the betterment of the school...
I, with my groupmates, wanna finish that research paper in English!
I also wanna make a good paper in Filipino.. I know we have to do one..
I wanna get a line of 8 in Econ!!!:))
I wanna pass ALL my subjects with flying colors and graduate with honors...
and I wanna set my future straight. once this is all over I can concentrate on studying fashion and Korean! yay!!

a Lot of things I want, no? well, I wanna accomplish all these things so, like I said, I won't regret anything..:)

anyways...
I wanna learn how to not think of him all the time..:)
it's just that I know that if I think of him too much, I'll end up not accomplishing ANY of those goals.
I wanna think of him, but not as much as now.:))
you don't get what I mean, do you?:))

before, there was this voice in my head, telling me that I should be doing this and that.
since I found out what I felt, that voice suddenly disappeared and was replaced by this other voice screaming to me things that won't really 100% help me with those goals aforementioned...
so, I just wanna bring that voice back in my head..
I think it's starting to come back... I hope it'll be the stronger voice soon, than the other one..:)
I have to be focused with what I need to do as opposed to what I want to do... well, the things I wanna do are also the things I need to do...
I just have to stop myself from staring into nothingness while listening to Taylor Swift songs at night..=))

anyways... I'll be getting back to work!:D

song playing: BoA's IZM ft. VERBAL from m-flo

ja!!!!♥♥♥:*

**love Jona for my caricature~!**

what other people call me: | Leni | Iz | LeniIz | Leng | Lens | Aching Min Dong | Aching | Ching | Ching Min
where I study: | university of the philippines integrated school
sections: | k-magnolia | i-agila | ii-atis | iii-dagat | iv-patani | v-banahaw | vi-topas | vii-earth | viii-firefly | ix-calcium | x - acacia |
desired courses in college: | psychology | fashion design | music | photography | culinary arts
dreams: | go to Korea | have my own clothing line | meet my idols and inspirations esp. BoA | buy BoA's complete discography | write a song for BoA | graduate until college | get married
everyday necessity: | Cappuccino | earphones | BoAjjang wristband
unforgettable words: | Soliloquy | Melancholy

what I want for my birthday (or Christmas):
♥ BoA CD
♥ Epik High CD
♥ Girls' Generation CD ♦
♥ okay, any KPOP CD
♥ camera (digital, SLR, polaroid, lomo)
♥ a cute bag
♥ a cute shirt
♥ Ed Hardy shoes
♥ paper-making kit
♥ LOTS of colored pens
♥ BOOKS!!
♥ a DECENT mp3 player
♥ EARPHONES!!
more to follow dears..:D

other info:::
♥ I'm the Fashion Suicidal. (from Nana-chan)
♥ I'm BoAjjang's 13795 th member.
♥ I love pink, black, white, gold, yellow.
♥ I write songs.
♥ I design clothes.
♥ I try to live life.
♥ I live. I laugh. I LOVE.

my inspirations:::


BoA
official websites:::
Korea | Japan | America | Twitter


Epik High
official website

others I love:::


Girls' Generation (소녀시대)
official website


KARA
official website


TVXQ / DBSK / Tohoshinki
Korea | Japan


Super Junior
official website


f(x)
official website


Big Bang
official website


2NE1
official website


2PM
official website


4minute
official website

and more...

what album(s) I'm liking right now:::
definitely must-listen to's. :D


BoA 1^st US album repackage: BoA Deluxe


BoA 2^nd Japanese greatest hits album: BEST&USA


Epik High Book-Album: 魂: Map the Soul


Epik High 6^th album: [e]


Girls' Generation 1^st mini-album: Gee


Girls' Generation 2^nd mini-album: Genie


Super Junior 3^rd album repackage: SORRY, SORRY (Version C)


KARA 2^nd album: Revolution


Brown Eyed Girls 3^rd album: Sound G


G-Dragon 1^st solo album: Heartbreaker


4minute 1^st mini-album: For Muzik


f(x) digital single: LA chA TA





♥

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given name: Leniniza C. dela Cruz
dob: 05281993
e-mail: leni_iz@yahoo.com

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aftermath
uhm..
tsk tsk..:))
grr...
let's go PARTY.!:))
:))
work.
white.
*sigh*
wait.LOL.:))